


In Love and War

by PukingPastilles, shoebox_addict



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Remus Lupin, Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 01:27:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 75,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15595200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PukingPastilles/pseuds/PukingPastilles, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoebox_addict/pseuds/shoebox_addict
Summary: In the summer of 1976, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black finally stopped circling each other. Then the war began and turned their lives upside down.





	1. 1976, Summer

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my awesome artist, PukingPastilles. She drew some amazing illustrations for this story, and I think they really help enhance it. Thanks, also, to the fabulous mods of the Wolfstar BigBang.
> 
> This fic took me far longer than expected, and it got so much larger than I'd originally planned. I hope you enjoy reading it, because I had a ton of fun writing it.

_1976 - Summer_

Sirius was three blocks away from Grimmauld Place when he realized he had no next step. In truth, he’d had no plan at all when he’d stood up at the dinner table to declare that he was finished being associated with the Black family. This, in itself, was not necessarily alarming. Sirius’ was a long life of jumping headlong into ideas that had no planning or structure behind them. But this idea was rather grander than anything he’d done before. Also, he typically had the backing of three other people in his wild schemes. Embarking on this one alone was new to him.

But he was confident that any impartial onlooker would agree he’d had no choice. Regulus had started it by asking him whether he was going to spend the summer with his blood traitor friends. This was pretty standard fare from Regulus since he’d started at Hogwarts, been sorted into Slytherin, and received more attention from their father than he ever had before. Sirius was constantly torn between feeling contempt for Regulus and simply feeling sorry for him.

“Yes, I’m going to James’ place next month,” Sirius had responded, trying to keep his tone neutral. He’d learned that if he sounded too enthusiastic about something, his parents became extra motivated to keep it from him.

“I don’t think that will be possible this year, Sirius,” said his father.

Though his blood was boiling, Sirius kept a calm demeanor as he turned toward the head of the table. “What do you mean?”

“We’ve indulged you in this youthful rebellion long enough,” said his father. “But it’s time I start putting my foot down.”

“Oh, just now?” said Sirius, scoffing.

Mr. Black pounded the table with his fist, causing everyone’s flatware to bounce several inches into the air. “I will not be spoken to like that in my own home. While we’re at it, you’re going to get your hair cut tomorrow.”

“What?”

“And it’s time you visited our tailor for your first proper set of formal robes.”

Sirius shook his head slightly to ruffle his hair, which he was absolutely not getting cut. “I’m sorry, but you couldn’t pay me enough to wear formal robes like the ones you wear every day.”

“Good, we won’t be paying you to do so,” said his father. His tone was calm, but Sirius could see the vein throbbing on his right temple. He’d spent his childhood trying to keep that vein from throbbing, but now he spent more time figuring out how to make it burst.

“I’m afraid I won’t be doing any of that,” said Sirius. “I already have plans for tomorrow. They mainly involve listening to this great new album my friend Remus gave me, probably while wanking.”

“Filth!” shrieked his mother from the other end of the table. “Ever since you started at Hogwarts, all we hear from you is filth and depravity.”

“Oh, please,” said Sirius, sipping some more soup.

“We should have brought you home the moment we heard you’d been sorted into Gryffindor,” she continued. “Durmstrang would have sorted you out.”

“Right, a little training in bloodlust never hurt anyone,” said Sirius, calmly sipping a spoonful of his soup.

Sirius’ mother sneered at him. “Better that than cavorting with blood traitors and _queers_.”

Three years ago, this comment would have sent Sirius into a blinding rage. Three years ago he probably would have stormed away from the table, screaming at his parents about how they didn’t understand him and that they were close-minded assholes. Those were still the facts, but Sirius was finished fighting with them. He’d seen what fighting got him -- supper-less evenings spent in his room, torrents of verbal abuse, and several sound slaps on the face. Flying into hysterics only elicited an hysterical response from his parents. They’d be pissed no matter how he acted, so he chose to act calm.

Also, he wasn’t sure what made this the moment, but something snapped into place in Sirius’ brain, and he knew this was the time to come out to them.

Sirius had spent the previous year thinking and overthinking his sexuality. Everyone’s hormones were going wild, and for the first time Sirius interrogated why his own hormones hadn’t ever followed the trajectory that James’ hormones had. Granted, James was a weird bloke to use as a model, seeing as his hormones had made a beeline for Evans and never looked back. Still, it was somehow clear that James’ hormones never would have gone for Fabian Prewett. And Sirius had found himself staring at Fabian a fair few times without quite knowing why.

Plus, right after they’d returned from summer holidays last year, Remus had made a passing remark about liking men and women. He’d said it so casually, but Sirius saw the way his shoulders subtly relaxed when no one made a fuss about it. As soon as the idea of being attracted to men was mentioned aloud, Sirius realized he’d been attracted to men for years.

Then he’d had a dream about Remus kissing Marlene McKinnon and Fabian Prewett, which he was sure meant absolutely nothing.

In any case, the topic of sexuality had been everywhere during fifth year. Even Peter had snogged some girl during at a particularly rowdy post-Quidditch match party. Sirius had spent a year thinking things through, and now he was ready to act. As soon as he was back on the Hogwarts grounds, and as soon as he overcame his Victorian upbringing, Sirius was well and truly prepared to snog a boy in full view of Regulus and disappoint his parents. Though he adored the drama of this plan, his mother’s rude remark gave him the perfect opening to tell them himself.

Sirius carefully lifted his napkin from his lap, folded it twice, and placed it on the table. Then he stood up and leaned against the back of his chair, smiling to himself.

“Mother, I don’t know who you’re referencing. I’m the only queer in my group of friends.”

Sirius’ only regret was that he didn’t see their faces. He heard a gasp from his mother, a snarl of rage from his father, and something that sounded like “I knew it” from Regulus. Filled with adrenaline from his pronouncement, he marched right out of the dining room, through the foyer, and out of the big, foreboding door. The night air felt amazing, and he just kept walking until his lack of destination became apparent.

As Sirius made his way down the block, slowly realizing that he hadn’t taken any of his things with him, the way forward became clearer. This was mostly because he came upon King’s Cross Station.

Now all he had to do was come up with money for a ticket.

 

**************

As a rule, James Potter was not averse to surprises. Surprises that involved his friends were particularly welcome. But, if asked, he would not deny being flabbergasted to find Sirius on his doorstep at such an early hour.

“Hiya, Prongs,” said Sirius, who seemed to be in high spirits despite his slightly bedraggled appearance. He was carrying a plastic bag and nothing else.

“Um, hello,” said James. “Did I fall asleep for a month, or did you decide to come early?”

“Decided to come early,” said Sirius, grinning. “Well, ‘decided’ is a really big word to use for this. I sort of stormed out of my house and had absolutely nowhere to go, so I’ve come here. I hope it’s not a bother. I hope your parents don’t hate me, because mine certainly do.”

James blinked at him. Something had to be wrong because Sirius only seemed this hyper and on edge when he was upset.

“Okay,” he said. “Slow down and come inside.”

“Thanks, it’s actually a bit nippy out here,” said Sirius, stepping past James and toeing off his trainers near the door.

James, still feeling half asleep and bewildered by Sirius’ sudden appearance, wandered into the living room, assuming Sirius would follow him. He plopped down on the couch and Sirius sat next to him, their thighs nearly touching.

After a moment, James said, “How did you even get here?”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. “Glad you asked. See, I was wandering down the street, nothing to my name, and that’s when I saw King’s Cross. And I thought to myself -- there are more destinations than Hogwarts inside that train station. The Muggles have got to go places as well.”

“Right, sure,” said James, suppressing a yawn. “But you said you had nothing. How did you--?”

“Buy a ticket?” Sirius interjected. “Yes, that was a tough one to get around. Even if I’d had a Galleon or two in my pocket, it wouldn’t have done me much good. Then I saw someone playing the guitar.”

James nodded. “Playing the…?”

“Buskers!” said Sirius, a bit too excitedly. “You know, those blokes who stand around and play music for money on the street corners. Maybe you don’t know because you live in the middle of bloody nowhere. Anyway, I found my own corner and started singing those Rolling Stones songs Remus played for us last year. Before I knew it, I had a few coins and even some of that funny paper money the Muggles use.”

“Wow, that’s...that’s actually quite smart.”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” said Sirius. “After I bought my ticket, I had some money leftover to buy all of these excellent Muggle sweets. Wait ‘till you try the Dairy Milk. It’s really quite something.”

Sirius began rummaging in his plastic bag, but James grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Padfoot, have you slept at all?”

“Not a wink,” said Sirius, setting his plastic bag down on the floor. “I really wanted to on the train, but I guess I was too worked up. Suppose that’s what happens when you tell your family you’re a big poof. Oh, by the way, I’m a big poof.”

Now James was fully awake. It wasn’t really the fact that Sirius was gay (he’d sort of had a sneaking suspicion), it was more the fact that Sirius had told his family he was gay.

“Wow, that’s big,” said James. “Are they...what did they...you just left?”

Sirius nodded and shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. The manic look in his eye gave him away. “Why stick around when you know what’s going to happen, eh?

James studied his friend for a moment, trying to determine the best course of action. It was often difficult to tell what Sirius needed. Sometimes he came out and told you that he wanted to shoot fireworks off the Astronomy Tower or flood the Slytherin common room with gelatin. But other times he was more opaque. When this happened at Hogwarts, James typically took him to the kitchens, put him to bed, or waited until he was ready to talk. Sometimes he just guessed things and asked Sirius until he got it right.

Now, sitting in his own living room, with his parents fast asleep and Sirius here a month early, James was at a loss. But he saw Sirius’ red eyes and wobbly smile and figured the kid just needed some sleep.

“Come on,” he said, nodding toward the stairs.

Sirius grabbed his plastic bag and followed James up to his bedroom. By the time they reached the landing, Sirius was a changed man -- the frenetic energy was gone and his whole body had succumbed to his obvious fatigue. Sometimes, when they were just back from summer holidays, Sirius seemed to need permission to calm down again. James had never met Mr. and Mrs. Black, but if he ever had the misfortune, he was sure he’d hex them without a second thought.

Once James had conjured up a second, slightly smaller bed next to his own, Sirius collapsed onto it and sighed softly.

“Thanks, mate,” he said. Even his voice sounded tired now. “For everything, not just for the bed. I mean, you didn’t have to ask me in. I’m a whole month early. I’m an imposition.”

“Sirius, shut up,” said James. “Just get some sleep.”

Sirius nodded, laid down, and was snoring in a matter of minutes.

The next morning, James awoke to find Sirius sitting hunched on his bed, his knees pulled up to his chin. He was staring off into the middle distance and jumped when James touched his shoulder.

“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to...are you okay?”

Sirius gave him a sad look. “I left everything behind. I didn’t think to take anything.”

James didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have any idea what Sirius was going through, so it wasn’t as though he could honestly commiserate. Instead he simply sat down next to him and waited until he was ready to talk about it.

 

*************

Once Fleamont and Euphemia Potter knew that Sirius was in their house, the hospitality train was full steam ahead. Admittedly, they did this for any guest who entered their home, but they always made an extra effort when that guest was Sirius Black.

When Sirius excused himself to use the loo, James raced downstairs to inform his parents about their surprise guest.

“I thought he wasn’t coming for another month,” said Fleamont, setting down his _Daily Prophet_. “Did something happen?”

“Erm, yeah,” said James. “He had sort of a fight with his parents, and I guess he ran away.”

Euphemia frowned the tight frown she reserved for talk of Sirius’ parents. “It’s no matter. If Sirius doesn’t feel welcome at home, he’s more than welcome here.”

“Thanks, mum,” said James. He turned to run back upstairs, then swiveled around and looked at his calm, understanding parents. “Thanks for being so great, both of you.”

By the time James came downstairs again, this time accompanied by Sirius, a stack of blueberry pancakes -- Sirius’ favorite -- had appeared on the table.

“Hallo, Sirius,” said Fleamont, setting down his paper again. “Glad to have you with us.”

“The water’s just gone for tea,” said Euphemia. “I’ve got a new tin of that chamomile that you like so much.”

James looked to Sirius and was pleased to find him smiling and not seeming at all on edge.

“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Potter,” said Sirius. “I’m really very sorry to have shown up like this, early and unannounced. You’re too kind for letting me stay.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Euphemia insisted. “It’s a pleasure to have you stay with us. We were expecting you anyway! What’s a few weeks, eh?”

Sirius nodded, clearly at a loss for words. James nudged him and Sirius took a seat at the kitchen table, pulling the plate of pancakes toward himself. Sirius’ parents were not mentioned once throughout breakfast. It seemed that with each pancake, with each moment of normal conversation, the tension in Sirius’ shoulders lessened more and more.

Later in the day, James sent urgent owls to Remus and Peter. The family owl went to Peter, and just as James was sending off his own tawny owl to Remus, a pompous-looking great owl swooped in and landed beside him on the window sill. He didn’t recognize the owl, but he recognized the Black family crest pressed into the wax that sealed the letter in its talons.

James took the letter from the great owl and fixed it with a disdainful stare. The owl stared back for a moment, then flapped its large wings and flew away across the countryside. James was left contemplating the letter. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Sirius more grief, especially now that he was relaxing. But maybe it was better to give him the letter now, let him process whatever it said, and enjoy the rest of the summer.

Sirius was sitting on the floor of James’ bedroom, with David Bowie’s _Station to Station_ spinning on the turntable. As soon as Remus had introduced them all to records and Muggle music, James had asked for a turntable for Christmas. Though his parents were slightly baffled by the technology, they obliged their son and tolerated his love of Bowie, the Beatles, and many others.

“It’s weird, but it’s good,” Sirius remarked when James came in. “But you know me, I miss Ziggy.”

“Oh, he hasn’t been Ziggy for years,” said James, plopping down next to his friend.

“More’s the pity,” said Sirius. “What’ve you got there?”

“I sent owls to Remus and Peter,” said James, stalling. “I thought I’d have to wait to have you all here until later in the summer, this is excellent.”

“What’s the letter?” said Sirius.

James sighed. “Right. So, don’t get upset. I mean, I don’t want to tell you how to feel. You can feel however you want, mate. You can scream or whatever you need to do. Hmph. Let me start again.”

“It’s from my parents, isn’t it?” said Sirius, his face suddenly blank.

James hesitated, then presented the letter to him. Sirius took a deep breath, then ripped open the letter and read it, all the while maintaining that blank expression. When he was finished, he flung the letter across the room and massaged his temples.

“What did it say?” James asked, hesitantly.

“Nothing. It’s fine,” said Sirius. “I’m just disowned, that’s all.”

James said nothing. What could you say when your best friend had just been disowned by his family? In truth, he could think of a few choice words, but Sirius hated it when people were angry on his behalf. So he sat beside Sirius, listening to David Bowie singing “TVC 15.” He liked this track, but he also missed Ziggy Stardust. Perhaps he’d put that record on next. That might cheer Sirius up.

“Fuck them,” said Sirius, suddenly. “Fuck them and everything they stand for. I never wanted to be a part of their world anyway, so it’s better that they make it this official.”

“That’s right,” said James. “Fuck them,”

They were quiet until the record ended. James turned to him to suggest putting on some Ziggy, but Sirius spoke first.

“One thing’s for sure,” he said, with a sardonic smile. “I definitely can’t go back and get my things.”

 

**************

“Peacocks,” said Sirius. “Honest to God, peacocks. Just strutting about the grounds. And, and fucking dress robes for everyday, some for dinner, and some for occasions even more special than dinner. Good riddance to bad rubbish, that’s all I can say.”

“Yup,” said James, passing Sirius the bottle of firewhisky they were sharing.

After dismissing the letter, Sirius had gone very quiet and pensive. They’d had dinner with James’ parents and Sirius had mostly pushed his food around his plate. Then they’d gone back to James’ room and Sirius sat staring out the window. For a while, James had felt lost again, not knowing what to do for Sirius. Luckily, this turned out to be one of those times when Sirius made himself perfectly clear. After Mr. and Mrs. Potter turned in for the night, Sirius had simply said, “Let’s get drunk.”

Now they were sitting on the roof of the Potters’ house, which was conveniently accessible by James’ bedroom window. They’d spent many a summer night out here, more recently with the company of certain illicit substances. On this particular occasion, James had nabbed a bottle of firewhisky from his parents’ liquor cabinet.

“You know me,” said Sirius, taking a long drink of the firewhisky. “I was gonna get out as soon as I could anyway. I’m...I’m just glad that I ran out on them first, and then they disowned me. You know? It’s like breaking up with someone before they can break up with you.”

“Mm-hmm,” said James, staring out at the vast darkness. He kept thinking about how he would feel if his parents disowned him. Of course, he and Sirius were in very different situations. He knew that. But Sirius was putting up such a defensive front that he wondered if there wasn’t some kernel of sadness inside it all.

“It’s okay to feel a bit bad about this, too,” he said. “I mean, sure, they were complete arseholes, but they were also your family.”

“Only in blood,” said Sirius, grimly. “The wanker who said that blood was thicker than water must have had much nicer blood.”

James took a swig from the bottle. “What about Regulus?”

Sirius snorted. “What about him?”

“Kind of a shame, innit? Him stuck there with your parents, all on his own.”

Perhaps Sirius hadn’t yet considered this. He was quiet for a moment, then grabbed the bottle from James and drained it of the remaining firewhisky. Then he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and said, “He chose his side a while ago.”

The quiet reigned again, intruded upon only by the nature sounds that surrounded the Potters’ house. The summer evening had a pleasant chill to it, but James knew it would soon get too cold and they’d have to clamber back inside.

“So anyway, it’s fine,” said Sirius. “I’m gonna spend this year snogging as many blokes as I can. Time to sow my wild oats while I’m still young, eh?”

“Right,” said James.

“I know you’re not one for the wild oats approach,” said Sirius. “I mean, that is, if you’re still stuck on Evans.”

“I’m not _stuck on her_ , honestly,” said James, rolling his eyes and chewing at his thumb. “I’m in love with her, I’ve told you.”

“Oh, you don’t know what love is,” said Sirius.

“And you do?”

“Not at all. None of us does,” said Sirius. “Thus, the wild oats. Pity about the firewhisky being gone.”

“Can I ask how you knew? A-about being gay?” said James. Then he quickly added, “And please tell me if I’m being an unmitigated ass by asking this. I’m just curious.”

Sirius shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. I’ve probably known for a really long time? But I started thinking about it last year when Remus told us about...you know, how he likes birds and blokes.”

“Ahh,” said James. “Because you fancy him.”

Sirius spluttered incoherently for ten full seconds before making sense again. “I...I beg your pardon?”

“You fancy Remus,” said James. He said it so matter-of-factly that Sirius actually wondered whether he’d said something in a drunken stupor or in his sleep.

“Er, I have to disagree,” he said, snorting incredulously. “You know, seeing as I’m me, so I should know my own bloody feelings.”

“Please,” said James. “The two of you have that, that banter all the time. And I know this sounds stupid and you’re just gonna say I’m drunk, but...you’re a dog and he’s a wolf. It’s got to mean something that that’s your animagus form.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and held up his fingers to count James’ points. “So we’ve got banter and some kind of weird animal magnetism. Yes. You’ve made your case. Clearly, I fancy Remus.”

James groaned and flopped all over Sirius, as he was wont to do when drunk. “I know it sounds stupid. But that’s just because I’m drunk and you’re drunk, so everything sounds drunk.

“You must be astronomically drunk to think that I fancy Remus,” said Sirius. “I’ve never heard anything so stupid…”

There was a line from some Muggle play about protesting too much, but James’ brain couldn’t quite make the connection because the firewhisky was running interference on his synapses. All he knew was what he saw, and he’d definitely seen Remus and Sirius flirting. Sure, they might not see it, but James was an expert at detecting flirtation. He was waiting for the day when he detected flirtation in Lily’s attitude toward him, but that day had not yet come.

After that, the conversation tended toward finding rude shapes in the stars and wondering after more liquor somewhere in the house. Eventually they both stumbled through James’ bedroom window and fell asleep, blissfully unaware of how dreadful they would feel in the morning.

 

**************

Remus was sitting at his bedroom window when James’ owl arrived. It was just four days after the full moon, and he was finally feeling more like himself again. At Hogwarts, he was always eager to get back to his schoolwork after the full moon. But when he was home for the summer, he liked to take his time getting back to normal. After the full moon, he often spent entire days in bed, paying attention to what his body was telling him. Usually it was bad news. This time around he’d scratched up his arms something fierce and was wearing bandages until they healed.

James’ owl was stereotypically dramatic. The small scroll of paper that had been tied to his owl’s leg simply read: _Sirius in crisis. A boy needs his friends at a time like this._

Truth be told, Remus was slightly alarmed by the lack of exclamation points in James’ message. If this had been a “crisis” akin to the Very Bad Flea Situation of last Christmas, or even the Disastrous Haircut of ‘74, there would have been more exclamation points. But James had eschewed his favorite punctuation mark here, and that made Remus worry that something really was wrong.

Of course Remus had immediately sent back a message telling James he’d be there as soon as he could. The plan for the summer had included eventually congregating at James’ place anyway, so his parents weren’t much bothered by his early departure.

“I know I don’t have to tell you this,” said his mother. “But mind yourself at the moon next month.”

Remus nodded. “The Potters have got a cellar that I can use. James set it up for just this situation last summer.”

“His parents know?”

“Yes, of course,” said Remus. “You’d be surprised at how understanding the Potters are.”

Though Remus said all of this casually and without so much as a twitch of his eye, it was all patently false. He had no idea if the Potters had a cellar, but even if they did it certainly wasn’t kitted out for a werewolf to transform. Although James’ parents were, indeed, understanding, they had all agreed it was best to omit the truth of Remus’ condition. At first Remus had been embarrassed for them to know, but now mentioning it might have lead more easily to a conversation about their son and two of his friends being illegal Animagi. Yes, some things were best left hidden.

Remus’ parents were protective of him, but their barriers had been lowered slightly since Remus had gone to Hogwarts and found himself three amazing friends. Especially since those friends had shown they could be trusted with Remus’ most important secret. Even so, all previous trips to James’ house had been coordinated around the full moon. Perhaps they now trusted him to be careful, and perhaps they too worried about what Sirius might be up to.

Two days after James’ owl had landed on his window, Remus was standing at his parents’ fireplace with a handful of Floo powder and a rucksack over his shoulder. He promised that he would be back to get his school things and to let his parents take him to King’s Cross.

“There are only a few more times we can do that, you know,” said his mother.

“I know, mum,” said Remus. “I’ll be back, honest.”

This was absolutely the truth. Remus knew how important it was for his parents to take him to the train at the beginning of each term. For a while they’d assumed that Remus wouldn’t be attending Hogwarts at all. Somehow the novelty of ferrying him off to school hadn’t worn off. He would just have to steer them clear of the Potters, lest they ask about their werewolf-proof cellar.

With a quick puff of Floo powder and a dizzying sensation that Remus would be glad to say goodbye to when he got his apparition license, he was standing in the Potters’ living room. Seconds later, James and Sirius rushed in to greet him. In the old days, a greeting from his friends probably would have knocked Remus to the ground. But they were all growing up, it seemed. Or perhaps something was _truly_ wrong with Sirius.

“Hiya, Moony,” said James, grinning and ruffling his own hair. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course,” said Remus, shrugging. “Your message mentioned a crisis, so I figured I’d better be quick about it. Now, who’s got the bad haircut?”

He’d hoped for a chuckle, if not a raucous peal of laughter. What he got instead was James looking uncomfortable and Sirius rolling his eyes.

“Crisis? You said it was a _crisis_?” he said, glaring at James. “Fucking hell, I’ve only been disowned.”

“Oh,” said Remus. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but it wasn’t that. “Oh.”

“Quit standing there staring at me like that,” Sirius barked at him.

Remus let the rucksack slip from his shoulder down to the floor, and then immediately regretted it. Some small part of him wanted to hug Sirius, but he wasn’t sure if the occasion called for it. Now he was left with his hands hanging stupidly by his sides. He stuck them deep into his pockets and tried to appear casual.

“So, what else is new?”

Roughly twenty minutes after Remus arrived, Peter came stumbling out of the fireplace.

“What’s wrong?” he said, brushing soot out of his dirty blonde hair. “What’s the crisis? Is it fleas again? Because I don’t think I can handle that.”

“I’ve been disowned,” said Sirius.

“Blimey,” said Peter, looking legitimately shocked. “Why would they do that?”

“Yes” said Remus. “Would you please just tell us? I’ve been sitting here struggling to think of small talk and it’s killing me.”

“Right,” said Sirius. “Well, I came out to my parents, and then I stormed out of their house. I guess that was the last straw because they sent me the big disowning letter soon after.”

Sirius glossed over the big news so casually that Remus actually almost missed it. When his brain rewinded the scene for him and played it back, there it was. Sirius had come out.

“So, you’re…” he said, trailing off, not wanting to make any assumptions.

“As gay as the day is long,” said Sirius.

“Oh, not you as well,” said Peter.

“Wormtail!” said James, smacking him on the arm.

“What?” said Peter, rubbing his arm. “Moony already came out last year. Are you next?”

James shrugged. “Who knows? I contain multitudes. Only time will tell.”

“Please, you only have eyes for Evans,” said Sirius.

“That’s only my eyes. Who knows what the other parts of me think?”

“Please,” said Remus. “Don’t make me think about your genitalia having independent thought, I beg of you. Sirius -- what did your parents say?”

“I didn’t stick around long enough to hear anything,” said Sirius. “And hopefully I won’t hear anything from them ever again. All I know is that I’m disowned, I can’t return to their house, and I can no longer enjoy the so-called perks of being in the Black family.”

“Well,” said Remus. “In a way, I suppose this was a long time coming.”

“And you never liked them anyway,” said Peter.

Sirius frowned at them, arms crossed over his chest. “I don’t know why everyone thinks they need to make me feel better about this. I hated them, they hated me, and now we’ve parted ways. End of story.”

Remus caught James’ eye, and he sort of shrugged at him. Their silent friend language was nowhere near as advanced as what James had with Sirius, but they could generally communicate when it came to Sirius’ well being. Remus raised his eyebrows and James nodded with a slight smile. It seemed as though James had been taking care of him while he was here, and now Sirius was doing better.

“What the fuck happened to your arm?” said Sirius, very suddenly.

“Last full moon,” said Remus.

“Oh,” said Sirius. “Shit.”

“It’s fine,” said Remus, wishing he’d worn a sweater. “I’ll be here for the next one, so it won’t be as bad.”

“That’s right! Oh my God, Prongs, I’m suddenly very glad that you live in the arsecrack of nowhere,” said Sirius. “We’re gonna have so much fun.”

“It’ll certainly be more bearable,” said Remus, though he wasn’t willing to use the word _fun_.

“I know several people who would hit you for calling Devonshire the _arsecrack of nowhere_ ,” said James, looking peeved.

“I call ‘em as I see ‘em,” said Sirius.

The rest of the day was fairly normal. The Potters greeted Remus and Peter, they had all had a magnificently large lunch, and then they cavorted around the vast expanse of the Potters’ property. And no one mentioned that Sirius was gay. On one hand, it was good that no one felt the need to make a huge deal out of the declaration -- not even Peter. On the other hand, it was all that Remus could think about, and that made him uncomfortable.

In fact, the amount of time he spent thinking about Sirius or thinking about things that Sirius did had been making him uncomfortable for some time. If he was honest with himself, this discomfort was partly what lead him to realize that he was bisexual. But he was rarely honest with himself, so this thought got pushed deep into his brain, somewhere between the memories of seeing Peter naked and watching James dance. But this new piece of information was calling up those thoughts, and being around Sirius was making it hard to ignore.

By the time they were all turning in for the night, or at least settling into James’ bedroom, the subject had not been broached. As James and Sirius traded barbs about something or other, and James conjured up two more beds, Remus ruminated on the upcoming term might be different now that Sirius was out. Sirius was gorgeous. Outside of anything Remus might have felt about him, Sirius was objectively gorgeous. Once the news was out, the queer blokes at Hogwarts would be tripping over themselves to have a go at Sirius.

“I don’t know if four beds will fit in here, if I’m honest,” said James, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Maybe we could double up,” said Sirius, grinning. “I call dibs on Moony.”

Remus had to concentrate very hard indeed to keep his expression blank. There was perhaps a split second in which his eyes widened, and then he composed himself and smiled wryly at Sirius.

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” He stepped in front of James and waved his wand, resizing the three beds that James had conjured up and conjuring a fourth one of the same size.

“Brilliant,” said Peter.

“Standard spellwork,” said Remus. “Shall we get to bed?”

Though Remus was still quite tired from the full moon, he forced himself to stay awake until at least two o’clock, at which time he could no longer hold his head up. He suspected that his friends fell asleep some time around four, which is when he was partially woken up by someone pulling a blanket on top of him. Through the sleepy slits of his eyes, he thought he could make out Sirius’ black hair falling over his face as he leaned down to pull the blanket.

***************

When he awoke around eight o’clock the next morning, Remus cursed his inner clock. This was why he spent most of the school term sleepless. He stayed up late with his friends and woke early as a matter of habit. The only time he got truly restful sleep, ironically, was after the full moon when he was so knackered he couldn’t stay awake if he tried. He rolled onto his back and flung his arm over his eyes, trying to block out the morning sun. It was no use, and nature came calling soon enough, so he got out of bed and stumbled his way to the loo.

When he emerged moments later, a morning that had been calm so far was disrupted by the same thing that disrupted all his mornings: Sirius Black.

“Hey, Moony.”

“ _Jesus Christ_ ,” he hissed angrily, jumping back and narrowly avoiding toppling backward down the Potters’ staircase. Now he was awake.

As he gulped air, trying to calm his wildly beating heart, Remus noticed Sirius. He was standing beside the doorway to the loo, practically blending in to the shadows that streaked the hallway.

“Make yourself a little less visible next time,” said Remus, a hand on his chest.

“Sorry,” said Sirius. “I saw you weren’t in your bed, and I wanted to catch you before you got back. Can we have a chat?”

Midday Remus might have found an excuse to say no. Evening Remus would have said yes but been on guard for questionable chat topics. Morning Remus, however, was still too new to the day to know better.

“Sure, why not?” he said through a yawn. “Let’s make some tea first, though.”

James’ parents were already awake, because of course they were. Remus and Sirius made polite conversation with them about how their son was never awake before noon and how it was so exciting to have a full house this early in the summer. Mrs. Potter poured them each a cup of tea -- Earl Grey for Remus, and some absurd berry concoction for Sirius. Remus took care not to confuse their mugs as he carried them out to the back garden.

“I love summer mornings,” said Sirius, settling down on the grass. Remus could see that there was still dew on the ground, but he didn’t want to be a bother. So he sighed and sat down next to him.

“Much nicer than winter mornings,” he agreed, taking a sip of his tea. It was far too hot to drink, but he loved the way the warmth spread down his throat.

It might have been nice to just sit there, drinking their tea and drinking in the morning sun, but Sirius seemed eager to talk.

“So, listen, it was sort of you that got me thinking about being gay and whatnot,” he said, diving right in.

“Oh?” said Remus. He held his mug of tea close to his face, breathing in the Earl Grey scent.

Sirius nodded. “At the start of last term, when you told us about yourself. I mean, that made me start thinking about my own shit. It put me in the right headspace.”

“Glad I could help,” said Remus, still unsure of where this was heading.

“And James said something so stupid the other day,” Sirius continued. “Because I told him this too, and he said it was because I fancied you or something.”

Remus was deeply grateful he hadn’t been taking a sip of tea just then. All the same, he knew that he froze for a split second in shock. He brushed it off and composed himself almost immediately, but he knew Sirius must have seen that. That was the whole point of this little chat: to catch Remus off guard. He should have known better. Morning Remus was a pillock.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Remus, chuckling a bit for good measure. Even if Sirius had found him out, he had to try. “I mean, you know you’ve got your pick of the lot at Hogwarts. I was just thinking about this -- there are at least three guys who would kill just to snog you once.”

Sirius actually looked taken aback by this news. “There are?”

What he wanted to say was, _How are you that gorgeous and you don’t even know it?_ What he actually said was, “Honestly, there are. I could introduce you once we get back.”

Sirius’ expression was unreadable. He smiled in a sort of noncommittal way and nodded to Remus, still genuinely surprised by this.

As they sat drinking their tea, Remus’ thoughts went on a tear through his brain. It was at times like these when he wished he was more like James. James never seemed to think about what he said. Sometimes this got him into trouble (usually with Lily), but sometimes it served him well because there were situations in which talking was more important than thinking. Remus knew this as an empirical fact, but he couldn’t make his brain realize it. So instead of asking follow-up questions or getting straight to the point with Sirius, he sat beside him in the wet grass and felt the pleasant morning heat up into a summer’s day.

  
  


***************

Sirius had seen it. Remus was always so good at hiding his emotions, but if you knew where to look you could find them. When he’d mentioned James’ suspicion, Remus had paused. It was one of the pauses you could practically hear. He’d actually been blowing on his tea to cool it and had stopped. To Sirius, that seemed like an affirmative answer to the question he’d been secretly asking.

And now he was well and truly fucked. Now he had some indication that Remus would be interested as well.

When James had brought it up, Sirius had brushed it off as ridiculous. He had to. In truth, he’d always felt _something_ toward Remus, and that _something_ looked different in light of his sexual awakening. Remus always seemed so annoyed with him that he’d assumed he’d never be interested. But then James had mentioned their banter and Sirius thought he’d better do some more stealth research. Lucky for him, he knew all about Morning Remus.

It was two more days before he did anything more about these developments. He didn’t want to rush things, and he figured Remus might be expecting something after their conversation. So he laid low, playing it cool and insisting they do things as a group. They played some two-a-side Quidditch despite Remus and Peter’s protests. They went walking around the countryside with no particular goal in mind. In general, they did everything you could possibly do to waste a summer.

“What a glorious waste of a summer,” James said the next morning, stretching his arms above his head and grinning.

“I have to agree,” said Remus, who was lying on the grass beside him, reading a book.

“Please, you’re reading,” said Sirius. “That’s not a waste of a summer.”

“It’s not required reading,” Remus retorted, staring resolutely at the book.

“It’s homework-adjacent,” said Sirius. “You can’t even enjoy your summer holidays without being a swot.”

Remus sighed and pushed himself up onto his elbows, one finger holding his place in the book. “Enjoying reading does not make me a swot.”

“Fine, but it makes you a bloody bore sometimes,” said Sirius.

“Oh?” said Remus. “What, pray tell, is your idea of excitement? Because I’ll tell you that being on a Quidditch team with Peter, and playing against you two, is not my idea of excitement. No offense, Pete.”

“None taken,” said Peter, from his spot in the grass.

Sirius studied him for a moment. God, he loved the way Remus’ eyebrows looked when he got cross with him. This was such a stupid, silly thing to think, and Sirius hated himself for thinking it, but the floodgates had been opened. Now he might have a chance. Now he had permission to be this sappy and ridiculous.

“Come on, then,” he said, grabbing Remus’ arm and trying to haul him up. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“That’s not exactly my idea of excitement either,” said Remus, frowning.

“Oh, go on already,” said James. “I’d rather you took a walk than sat around here arguing.”

Sirius looked at James, but he wouldn’t meet his eye. He turned his focus back to hauling Remus up from his spot on the grass. Remus was resistant at first, but eventually he gave in, standing up and brushing off his trousers.

“Let’s head this way,” he said, pointing toward a copse of trees on the horizon.

Sirius smiled to himself. This was a familiar pattern -- Remus often put up a fight about certain pranks, only to offer a suggestion that would make a prank ten times better. In the same way, he often protested when Sirius suggested they study together in the library or walk down to the lake while James and Peter were otherwise occupied. Though he was initially annoyed by the intrusion into whatever boring thing he was doing, he always ended up going along.

As they left the garden, Sirius glanced back and saw James give him a casual salute. He should have known that James would’ve been able to tell what he was doing. Though James would undoubtedly tease him about this later, Sirius was grateful for the help. And at least Peter remained blissfully unaware, tapping his bare toes to a tune only he could hear. Bless him, at least he enjoyed himself.

The sun was shining, and it was such a pleasantly warm day that Sirius actually questioned whether they were still in England. It was so warm that Remus had again left his usual cardigan inside. Sirius had to stop himself staring at the bandages on Remus’ right arm. Every time he noticed them he wondered how bad the last moon had been. At least Remus would be here for the next one. They’d make sure he didn’t worsen those wounds this month.

“Want to tell me that I’ve inspired you to care more about your schoolwork?” said Remus. “If I can make you rethink your sexuality, perhaps I’d better put my powers to better use.”

Sirius snorted and shook his head. “I don’t think your powers are quite that strong. I’ll just continue relying on my own innate brilliance, thank you very much.”

“Mmm, indeed,” said Remus, smirking at him.

They were almost past the boundaries of the Potters’ property when an owl came swooping toward them. Sirius expected it to fly right past them and head to the Potters’ house. Instead, it flew straight at them and landed on the grass so it couldn’t be avoided.

Remus looked at the owl, and then at Sirius. “Well, it must be for you. That owl looks far too expensive to be for me.”

Sirius had been thinking the same thing but hoping that it wasn’t true. He stared down at the owl, who stared resolutely back at him before sticking out his leg and turning his head away. Clearly, he wanted Sirius to take the message so he could be on his way.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” said Remus, after the standoff had lasted at least a full minute. He bent down, took the message, and patted the owl on its head. Its mission complete, the owl flew away across the empty fields. Remus turned and handed the small scroll to Sirius.

“I don’t think I want it,” said Sirius, folding his arms over his chest.

“Er, okay,” said Remus. He sort of moved his wrist, as though he was going to chuck the scroll into the grass, but then thought better of it. “Perhaps...should I read it?”

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and walked a few feet away from Remus. He dragged his hands through his hair, looked up at the sky, and then glanced over his shoulder at Remus. His head was bent down as he studied the scroll, his bottom lip between his teeth. Suddenly he looked up and Sirius looked away, dreading what would come next.

“I think you’d better read this,” said Remus, his hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

Sirius turned to face Remus and saw that he wasn’t frowning. If it had been another nasty letter, surely Remus wouldn’t be saying that he should read it. Sirius took a deep breath and took the letter from Remus. The small scroll of paper read:

_My dear nephew,_

_I’ve just heard what Walburga has done and I am appalled at her cruelty. Not surprised, per se, but certainly appalled. Please know that I’m willing to help you in any way that I can. When I leave this earthly realm, you can expect to receive an inheritance from me, even though you will no longer receive one from your parents._

_Your uncle,  
Alphard_

At first, Sirius didn’t know how to feel about the letter. But something inside him must have known, because -- to his surprise -- a tear appeared on the scroll, blurring Alphard’s name. He wiped at his face and turned away from Remus, embarrassed and surprised by the sudden tears. But then he couldn’t seem to stop them, and his shoulders began to shake, and he couldn’t wipe away the tears fast enough because they were simply replaced by more. Dimly, as though it were happening to someone else, he felt Remus’ arm across his shoulders.

“Oh, Sirius,” he said in a solemn tone. “It’s alright to cry. I know you meant what you said earlier about not liking your parents and not wanting to be a part of their world, but we all want acceptance.”

“I have you, and James, and Peter,” said Sirius, his words garbled through the sobs. “Why should I need anything else?”

“There’s something special about family, I suppose, and about blood,” said Remus. “I don’t know how I would feel in your situation because it hasn’t happened to me. But I do know that I’m grateful to my parents for sticking by me after I was bitten. They could have easily put me in an institution rather than deal with my situation.”

“They would never,” said Sirius, wiping at his eyes.

“They could have,” said Remus. “It was a choice they made. In any case, it seems your Uncle Alphard has made a choice of his own.”

“He’ll be disowned next,” said Sirius, calming down a bit now. “They’ll blast him off that damned tapestry. Holy shit, I forgot about the tapestry. I’m probably nothing more than a burnt circle of fabric now.”

“That tapestry is horrid,” said Remus.

“You’ve never seen it.”

“All the same, I know that it’s horrid.”

Sirius sniffled and wiped away the last few tears. He glanced at Remus and he finally noticed just how close they were. Remus’ face was mere inches from his, and suddenly Sirius felt shy. He turned away, knowing that this wasn’t the right moment. In fact, the letter had thrown everything off, and he wasn’t in the mood for a romantic stroll.

“Feeling better?” said Remus, moving his arm away at last.

Sirius nodded. “But I don’t know if I feel like a walk anymore.”

“Come on, then,” said Remus. “Maybe it’ll clear your head. Besides, you dragged me out here and I won’t have it be for nothing.”

Remus was smirking at him, and Sirius couldn’t help but smile back. He took a deep, bracing breath and rubbed vigorously at his sore eyes.

“Very well, if you insist on being in my presence,” he said, summoning the bravado.

Sirius hadn’t had a destination in mind anyway, so he was happy to follow Remus’ wanderings over hill and dale. Remus had such long legs that Sirius often had to hurry to keep up with him, and the dog jokes were just too easy to make. Sirius was a good sport about the jokes, but when Remus picked up a stick and tossed it off into the distance, Sirius had to whack him on the arm.

“I’d say something about canines being sensitive,” said Remus, rubbing his arm. “But I’d be insulting myself as well, wouldn’t I?”

After a while, they came to a small pond surrounded by tall grass. Remus said he was tired and sat down on a large rock near the edge of the pond. Sirius clambered up beside him, and when he got there, he was rewarded with a view of the fields they’d just traversed. The Potters’ home was still visible in the distance, but only just. Beside him sat Remus, his best friend after James, and someone who was willing to take walks with him to clear his head after receiving startling family news.

Was that all this was? Was it simply friendly affection that he was mistaking for something else? Had he been too hasty in jumping to conclusions because he’d come out and James was making jokes about them?

Suddenly, without moving his head, Remus’ gaze shifted to Sirius. Sirius’ heart leapt in an exciting and terrible way, and he looked back toward the Potters’ house.

“What?” said Remus.

“Hmm? Nothing.”

“You were staring.”

“I wasn’t.”

Yes, he was. And he was well and truly fucked.

 

**************

The air was filled with a new electricity that made Remus’ bones tingly. He hadn’t yet worked out whether the tingling was good or bad. All he knew was that some new current ran between him and Sirius ever since their walk out to the pond. He’d always felt something there, but this seemed more serious. It hadn’t come from their typical back-and-forth, but instead from an honest conversation about feelings, of all things. Sirius had even _cried_. It was frightening. Again, he was in the position of needing to talk about something and not knowing where to turn. Eventually he got desperate and turned to Peter.

One night, James and Sirius were arguing about broomsticks, and neither Remus nor Peter cared much whether the new Cleansweep was better than other brooms on the market. So they were sitting together on the grass, and Remus decided to set his book down and poke Peter in the arm.

“Huh?” said Peter, tearing himself away from the argument taking place. Unlike Remus, Peter still found it entertaining to swing his head back and forth between James and Sirius, as though he were watching a tennis match.

“What would you do if you were suddenly attracted to a good friend of yours?” said Remus. Past conversations had taught him that beating around the bush did you no good when talking to Peter. No matter how embarrassing, it was better just to cut to the chase.

Peter gave him a small, almost pitying smile. “Moony, I’m glad you’ve figured things out about yourself and all, and I’m flattered, but you know I prefer the ladies.”

Remus shook his head and silently prayed for strength. “I wasn’t talking about you, Pete. And this is just a hypothetical. Imagine that you were really good friends with a girl, for several years, and then you realized you had romantic feelings for her. What would you do?”

Peter considered this for a few long seconds, then said, “I’d probably ask her out.”

“But wouldn’t that be awkward?” said Remus. “I mean, what if she said no? Or worse, what if she said yes? And then you went out on a date and it was catastrophic? And suddenly your entire group of friends had imploded before your very eyes?”

Peter stared at him. “Well, obviously that would be very bad.”

“Right. Of course it would,” said Remus. “But shouldn’t it be worth the risk? I mean to say, things could work out swimmingly, and you might gain an amazing romantic relationship from it all.”

“I...suppose that’s true.”

“There’s just so much at stake. I mean, these friendships are really important to you, hypothetically. And you’d hate to do anything that might jeopardize them. What if it all went wrong and people took sides?”

“You never know until you try,” said Peter. “I mean, you know I don’t really like hypotheticals. But it seems to me that you’d be trying to prepare for something that might not happen. You can’t know whether it will go badly, so to prepare for the worst is sort of a waste. Isn’t it?”

“I suppose, I suppose,” said Remus, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “But isn’t it important to safeguard against something bad? If you know there’s a potentially bad outcome, should you roll the dice on that?”

“Like in gobstones?”

“We’re losing the thread of this thing, I’m afraid,” said Remus.

“No, really, it’s like gobstones,” Peter insisted. “You know you’ll either win points or get a face full of disgusting sludge. But you give it a go anyway because you want the points. You try despite the nasty option because the good option could be really good.”

Remus mulled this over and glanced at James and Sirius, who were still going strong. He looked back to Peter, who was watching him expectantly.

“Honestly, I don’t know whether that’s very wise or very silly,” said Remus. “And I’m not really one for gobstones, if it comes to it. But I appreciate you listening.”

“Anytime,” said Peter. He clapped Remus on the back, then returned to watching the broom argument.

 

**************

If things continued as they had been, Sirius was going to die.

Exhibit A: He could no longer speak to or look at Remus without causing himself grievous injury.

It all started when he and James had been tossing around the quaffle (not a euphemism), and Remus had come into the back garden to read. He was wearing something perfectly ordinary, he looked normal, and he was reading. Nothing about the situation was extraordinary. And yet Sirius had found himself unable to tear his eyes away from him. When James threw the quaffle, Sirius wasn’t paying attention, and he was knocked off his broom.

Since then, there had been a scalding with hot tea, many stubbed toes, and one incident in which Sirius ended up walking into a door and giving himself an ugly bruise on his forehead. Aside from the pain, it was simply embarrassing. Even Peter asked if he was feeling okay.

Exhibit B: He was pretty sure that Mrs. Potter suspected something was going on.

For one thing, when Sirius had accidentally spilled the hot tea on himself, Mrs. Potter had been there. Sirius couldn’t be sure because he’d been preoccupied by the way Remus looked in shorts, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Mrs. Potter had seen him staring. As she helped him wipe the tea from her dining table, she’d actually _winked_ at him. The thought that Mrs. Potter might know about his romantic feelings was too much to handle. If (Merlin forbid) she should actually say _something_ to him, he would spontaneously combust.

Exhibit C: Remus was infuriatingly sexy, and he didn’t even know it.

Although Sirius was sure he’d once registered a general attractiveness in Remus Lupin’s appearance, the allure was now unbearable. Hair that had once just been hair was now begging for Sirius to run his hands through it. A body that had once simply carried Remus around could now be put to certain other uses. Sirius’ brain had no shame and offered tantalizing thoughts at the most inconvenient of times.

After several days of this, Sirius decided that he needed help. Since the Wizengamot was probably very busy at this time of year, he turned to James.

“This is all your fault, by the way,” said Sirius, passing the joint to James and breathing out a steady stream of smoke. “I hadn’t thought of Remus in this way since last fall. I was all wrapped up in my own brain. You know, where it’s safe? And then you had to go and mention our fucking banter.”

“There is banter, there’s no way you can deny that,” said James, taking a drag.

“I have to take your word that there always was banter. But now I can’t stop noticing it.” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and grumbled to himself. “Now I’m all wrapped up in my brain, but in a bad way. Does that makes sense?”

“Not really,” said James. “But we are pretty high right now, so it could make perfect sense and we just don’t know it.”

Sirius nodded thoughtfully and took the joint from James. “Anyway, what do you think?”

“I think you belong together, I thought I made that clear.”

“What? Observing the banter was giving us your blessing?”

“Absolutely. I’d be happy for you guys if you got together.”

“You don’t think it would be weird? Pete would think it was weird.”

“Pete’s a bit close minded,” said James. “I guess I was, too, until Moony came out to us. But he’ll get there.”

“You think so? I wouldn’t want to feel weird around Pete.”

“You already do.”

“Oh. That’s true.”

James stared off into the distance for a long while, and Sirius became fixated on a passing bird. Then he noticed his fingernails and spent some time studying those. Then he remembered how Remus had looked in those shorts a few days ago, and suddenly James was nudging his arm.

“Come on, let’s get back,” said James, stubbing out the joint on a rock. He placed the remainder in his pocket and brushed his hands together. “And don’t forget the deodorizing spell. We don’t need mum asking if we’ve run into some smelly animal.”

“Honestly,” said Sirius, casting the spell on himself. “Especially since I’m positive she knows I’m thinking impure thoughts about Remus.”

James paused with his wand held aloft. “Wait, what?”

 

***************

Remus had been friends with James, Sirius, and Peter for several years now. Long friendships like these had rhythms. As such, it was pretty easy to tell when something was off. In the previous four days, Sirius had burned himself with tea, fallen off a broom, and openly stared at Remus on five separate occasions. Clearly, something was off.

There was a pretty strong possibility that this all had to do with hormones and recent conversations regarding sexuality. But Remus couldn’t be sure. After all, this could just be residual weirdness from Sirius being disowned, which was a fairly traumatic occurrence no matter how much he pretended he was okay. If it was just weirdness, and Remus tried something with Sirius, then everything would be catastrophically off. Perhaps they wouldn’t even be friends after that.

So as Sirius continued inadvertently injuring himself and worrying Mrs. Potter, Remus stewed in his own thoughts. It was what he did best.

One afternoon, Remus found himself a small chunk of alone time. James, Sirius, and Peter had gone to look for newts. At least, that’s what they’d told Mrs. Potter. In reality, they were probably smoking a joint. Normally Remus would have joined them, but he begged off with the excuse of the impending full moon. He loved his friends, and he loved spending time with them, but sometimes he just wanted to be alone. It was tricky finding a middle ground, but usually he was able to hide pretty well at Hogwarts. At the Potters’ house, there was nowhere to hide.

With his friends somewhere out in the countryside, likely analyzing rocks with unwarranted intensity, Remus spent several hours reading in the back garden. The air was somewhere in between cool and warm, and there were just the right amount of clouds. They’d drift across the sky, occasionally covering the sun and occasionally allowing Remus to attempt something of a tan. He didn’t care what Sirius said about reading; this counted as a summer wasted well.

When he finished his book, turning the final page with a smile, he went up to James’ room to find another in his rucksack. He was trying to portion them out so they would last until he went home to get his things for school, but it was difficult when he had such large swaths of free time. He’d become an expert at reading while contributing to conversations in his second year. It was the only way he could be friends with James and Sirius, but also manage his studies.

He opened the window of James’ bedroom to let the summer breeze waft into the stuffy room. It was so utterly perfect that Remus laid down on his bed and started his new book right there.

“Oh, shit. What are you doing here?”

Remus shut his eyes and sighed to himself. He had read roughly three paragraphs when he heard the bedroom door open, followed by Sirius’ voice. There was really no way to feign sleep when you were clearly reading a book, so Remus sat up and swung his legs off the bed.

“Just getting some reading in,” he said, holding up the book.

“I thought you were reading out in the garden.” Sirius pointed to the window.

Remus nodded. “I was. And then I came up here. What are _you_ doing here? Catch enough newts?”

“We weren’t catching them, we were just looking for them,” said Sirius. “And anyway, you know we were just getting high.”

Remus snorted. “I thought as much.”

Sirius surveyed the room and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I see you’re sitting around here being boring.”

“Sirius --” Remus began, but he stopped himself. What was the point in keeping to old rhythms if they were no longer serving you? Perhaps it was time to break the mold and move forward.

Something in his head, a voice that he didn’t hear often enough, whispered, _This is it_.

Remus set down his book and concentrated on keeping his voice steady, on not losing his nerve. “Sirius, why are you acting so strangely all of a sudden?”

Sirius actually, physically, took a step backward. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting this forward approach. “Er. What do you mean?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” said Remus. “You spilled tea the other day, and you fell off your broomstick. There’s something going on, and I just want to clear it up before we get back to Hogwarts, all right?”

“This is...where’s your usual waffling?” said Sirius.

“Sod the waffle,” said Remus, feeling braver now. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

Sirius swallowed and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “I think you know what’s wrong.”

Remus sighed. “Are we just going to continue playing games?”

“Fine,” said Sirius. “Fine. I think I have feelings for you. And I’ve just been testing the waters, I guess, to see if you feel the same way. And if you don’t feel the same way, I’m going to feel like a right nob.”

Remus smiled to himself as relief blossomed in his chest. No matter what Sirius had said, he would have been glad to clear the air. But he was glad his suspicions had been right. “There’s no need to feel like a nob.”

Sirius grinned at him, his eyes lighting up. “Really? That’s...wow.”

“I suppose it is,” said Remus.

All of a sudden, Sirius was sitting beside Remus on the bed. It was like a blip in a Muggle film -- one moment he was standing at the door, the next he was beside him. Remus was torn between studying Sirius and looking away. When he managed to drag his eyes up to meet Sirius’ gaze, Sirius was unabashedly staring at him.

“This is very close,” said Remus.

“I’m sure we’ve been this close before.”

“Yes, but it’s in a whole new context now. Before it was just as friends. And, I mean, friendship is an intimacy all its own, but this is new and...and frightening.”

“Shut up,” said Sirius, leaning closer.

Remus watched as Sirius closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side. And then the bedroom door burst open and the film jumped again. In an instant, Sirius was on the opposite side of the room, standing near James’ record collection. James and Peter were standing in the doorway, and while Peter was oblivious, James looked very smug.

“What’s going on in here?” he said, his voice much too loud. Remus groaned; this was going to be made so much worse by the fact that James was high.

“Reading,” said Remus.

“Nothing,” said Sirius.

“Sure, sure,” said James, grinning now. “Because it looked like something else altogether…”

As James trailed off, time seemed to slow down. Remus could see it all -- Sirius admitting what they’d been doing, Peter groaning and moaning about gay people, James shouting and proclaiming how he’d been right. In the midst of it all, of course, Remus would be jumping out the window. He was glad he’d had the presence of mind to open it earlier. He only hoped that three stories was enough to ensure an untimely death.

But then, to Remus’ great relief, Sirius burst out with, “Oh, fuck! I’ve stepped on your Led Zeppelin.”

James’ eyes widened and he flew across the room. “You complete idiot! Which one?”

“Might’ve been the new one,” said Sirius, stepping lightly around the pile of records.

“The new one?” cried James. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Why do I even let you in here?”

As James trailed off and sunk to the ground, examining each of his precious records, Sirius winked at Remus. Remus thought he managed a smile, but he couldn’t be sure. Everything felt numb with terror, and he assumed it might take a while for normal functions to resume.

Crisis and embarrassment had been averted for the time being. However, even though Remus and Sirius were now on the same page, things still felt off. While they had been in their own holding patterns before, now they were stuck in the same one. And this was the wrong place in which to try and work out romantic feelings.

Anytime Remus gathered the courage to approach Sirius again or ask him to talk, James or Peter or the Potters interfered in some way. On one particular day, Sirius was actually tanning in James’ back garden, and it could have been the perfect opening for Remus to say something or make a move. But as soon as he made it down to the garden, he found Peter there talking Sirius’ ear off about the upcoming Quidditch season. Embarrassed, Remus hurried back upstairs before Sirius could even notice him.

Then, the full moon.

In the days leading up to the full moon, Remus noticed Sirius wanting to hover nearer to him. If they’d been able to work things out earlier, he wondered, would Sirius be doting on him? The thought seemed odd but also pleasant. All four of them worked very hard to lay the groundwork for a “camping trip” so that Mr. and Mrs. Potter wouldn’t be alarmed when they wanted to spend the night in the countryside. If they tried this more than once, the Potters were bound to realize which nights necessitated a camping trip. But Remus supposed it was safe just this once.

They set out early on the actual day, wanting to leave more than enough time to get settled before the transformation. James and Peter carried the camping gear and any other supplies they were bringing. Sirius said he couldn’t possibly carry anything “in this heat,” and Remus was excused for obvious reasons. The muscle cramps were already beginning, but he was an expert in pretending they weren’t there.

As James and Peter moved ahead with the gear, Sirius slunk back to walk next to Remus.

_Please don’t let this be the moment,_ Remus thought. _Not right before I’m about to become a hideous beast. It’s just too Hans Christian Andersen._

“Are you okay?” said Sirius.

“Sirius, I’m fine. I’ve done this many times.”

“I know, but, are you sure?”

Remus smiled at him, though his left thigh was throbbing with a new cramp. “Yes. Would your being a mother hen have anything to do with new feelings?”

Sirius shrugged and shook his head. “I have no bloody idea. I’ve never felt like this before. Is this how you feel when you love someone?”

Typical Sirius. They hadn’t so much as held hands and he was already throwing out big, important words. Still, Remus couldn’t deny the way his heart leapt when he said it.

Soon enough, James declared that they were far enough out to stop. Setting up camp was pointless, seeing as one or more of them would likely shred the Potters’ tent if it was standing. So they simply dumped their gear in a safe place and sat down to wait. Sirius sat next to Remus on a log, so close that their legs were touching. Remus prayed that neither James nor Peter would notice. He didn’t want to have this conversation right now, but he didn’t want to tell Sirius to move either. Human contact often helped right before the big moment.

The time seemed to fly by, and soon they were nearing moonrise. Everyone stripped down to their birthday suits -- something that had been much less awkward before now -- and waited. Remus took a moment to glance at his friends, as he always did to remind himself that people were here and they cared. James gave him a nod, letting him know he was ready to go. Peter smiled nervously and glanced up at the sky.

Remus might have expected Sirius to be ogling him now, what with the nakedness and awkwardness, but he simply fixed him with a solid stare. There was worry there, but mainly a reassurance that he was there to help however he could that evening. It occurred to Remus that he was never in doubt about whether Sirius had his back, even before this summer. He never had to question it, and Sirius always came through.

Then the moon appeared, and everything changed.

 

**************

Over the years, Sirius’ feelings about the full moon had changed. At first he’d seen it as frightening -- something that was hell bent on hurting his friend every month. While they were attempting to become Animagi, full moons were his motivation. Every time he saw Remus in the Hospital Wing afterward was a new reason to push forward with the process. As they were testing out their animal forms, full moons became purely fun for a time. That evening, in the Devonshire countryside, Sirius felt nothing but worry.

Before, he’d simply been scared that something might happen to Remus. Now he was worried that it would, and somehow the two feelings were miles apart. While fear had driven him to find a way to help Remus, worry made him want to rip the moon from its place in the sky. He bore it as well as he could in the hours leading up to moonrise, and concentrated on changing into his dog form. The change was still new to him, and he had to focus on the way it felt to be a dog before he could actually transform.

Luckily, it was an uneventful full moon. There were no fights, no one ate anything they shouldn’t have eaten, and soon enough it was morning.

“It’s a good thing you’re not too scratched up,” said James, placing a bandage on Remus’ shoulder. “Otherwise my parents might get really suspicious.”

“I don’t know how they’re not suspicious already,” said Peter. “I mean, when have you ever shown an interest in camping?”

“Fair enough,” said James, shrugging. “But the more we can do to make this seem like a normal camping trip, the better.”

“You’re right, it’s not too bad,” said Remus, and Sirius could hear the fatigue in his voice. “Might be difficult to sell the story of an angry cat when we’ve been out in the country all night.”

“I guess you could say we were attacked by wild animals,” said Peter.

“Yeah,” said James. “But then we’d have to wound ourselves to make Remus’ scrapes look less conspicuous.”

“All right, all right,” said Remus, rubbing at his eyes. “Enough. The fact is that I’m fine and we should head back.”

“Are you sure?” said Sirius. He saw a flash of annoyance in Remus’ eyes, but he couldn’t help making sure he was all right.

“Yes,” said Remus. Once James was finished bandaging his shoulder, he heaved himself up off the ground with a barely suppressed groan. He wobbled for a moment, then grabbed onto Sirius for balance. “Let’s go.”

Sirius was a head shorter than Remus, which made him the perfect height for a sort of human crutch. He was happy to help Remus out, and the closer they got to the Potters’ house, the less pronounced his worry became. They’d made it through the night and Remus was going to be okay. For now, he ignored the fact that this new worry was likely to crop up every month from now until eternity. That was too much to handle on this little sleep.

As they neared the house, Sirius glanced up at Remus. “Are you going to be able to walk?”

“I should be fine,” said Remus. Very slowly, he took his arm off Sirius’ shoulder and walked beside him on his own. “Thank you -- for last night. It was a big help to have you there.”

“Of course,” said Sirius, his heart in his throat. “I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

Remus nodded and quickly looked away. Sirius remembered him once saying that the full moon brought emotions closer to the surface for him. He decided not to probe any further.

The Potters remained blissfully unaware of their son’s true activities with his friends. Mr. Potter asked them how they’d liked the tent (it was an enchanted one, apparently, meant to house a dozen people). Mrs. Potter offered them all tea and scones. Remus accepted some tea, but he looked positively dead on his feet.

“Hey, er, Remus?” said Sirius. “Would you come upstairs for a sec? I wanted to show you that, er, new record that James got?”

Remus stared at him confusedly for a moment, and then nodded. “Right, right, I did want to see that. Will you excuse us?”

“Of course, dear,” said Mrs. Potter, and Sirius could have sworn she’d winked. He shuddered and hurried up the stairs, Remus right behind him.

“What’s up?” said Remus, once Sirius had closed the door to James’ bedroom.

“Nothing,” he said. “I just wanted to rescue you. You looked like you needed a lie down.”

To Sirius’ surprise, Remus sighed and covered his eyes. When he looked at Sirius again, it was with the patient expression he often used to explain things to Peter.

“I appreciate that,” he said. “I really do, and I appreciate you being worried about me. But Sirius, I’ve been doing this for most of my life. If I’m not all right, I’ll let you know. I can certainly sit through tea and scones with James’ parents.”

Sirius was astonished. “But you...you leaned on me all the way back. I want to help you now, I want to take care of you.”

“You’ve been helping me for ages,” said Remus. “Long before you felt anything romantic for me. And I don’t need to be taken care of. Yes, I leaned on you, and that’s because I really did need help. But I’m fine, I promise you.”

Sirius swallowed and looked down at his feet. “Okay. I didn’t...I didn’t mean to annoy you.”

“I know. I’m not mad, really,” said Remus, and he really didn’t seem it. “I just want to make sure you know how I feel if…”

Remus trailed off and Sirius stopped himself from filling in the blank. He didn’t want to make any assumptions just yet. Everything was so new and fresh, and no boundaries had been drawn. It left Sirius feeling unsure in every interaction with Remus. He wanted to break the tension, and he knew what might work, but before he could do anything, Remus stepped toward the door again.

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s go and have some tea.”

“Okay,” said Sirius, hesitantly.

“I’m not mad, honestly,” said Remus. “You would know if I was.”

Sirius certainly knew that was true. When he’d made the biggest mistake of his life -- something he’d thought would simply teach ol’ Snivellus a lesson -- Remus hadn’t spoken to him for a month. Judging by that, Remus wasn’t even mildly miffed right now. Sirius smiled at him, and then led the way back down to the Potters’ cozy kitchen.

After the full moon, there were just two full weeks until the start of term at Hogwarts. A mere four days after the full moon, Remus announced that he was heading back home to pack his things for the new term.

“You need a whole week to pack up your things?” said Sirius.

“No, but I want to see my parents,” said Remus. “Besides, I’m going to see you lot every single hour of every single day for the next few months.”

“So you’re saying you’re sick of us,” said James, smirking.

Remus grinned. “You can sometimes have too much of a good thing, that’s all.”

Remus left with very little ceremony, which was just his style. He thanked the Potters for letting him stay, he stuffed everything back into his rucksack, and he even transfigured his bed into a thimble so that it wouldn’t be in the way. Standing at the fireplace with a handful of Floo powder, Remus waved to his friends and was then whisked away back to Wales.

Sirius’ one regret was that he hadn’t kissed him before he left.

Three days later, Peter went home to prepare for Hogwarts as well. Then it was just James and Sirius in the Potters’ cavernous home, just as it had been at the beginning of the summer.

On the night before they were set to leave for London, James stood in the middle of his room with his hands on his hips. Sirius was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I hate packing,” James grumbled.

“You should have done what I did,” said Sirius. “Abandon all your possessions! Then you wouldn’t have to pack.”

“You still had to pack what my parents bought you in Diagon Alley,” said James, gesturing to Sirius’ new trunk.

“Yes, but that was mostly done by shop assistants,” he replied, playing up his posh accent. “I wouldn’t be caught dead placing my _own_ things into my _own_ trunk.”

James snorted and started gathering up his things. Sirius continued to stare at the ceiling, thinking about how it had felt to walk around Diagon Alley with the Potters, James’ dad insisting that he get absolutely everything he might need. There had been such a war between gratitude and shame inside Sirius’ head that he’d felt panicked the entire time. He was fairly sure he’d got what he needed, but there was a chance he’d purchased three cauldrons and only one schoolbook.

“Hey,” said James, dumping a pile of assorted books and clothes into his trunk with a _thump_. “What ever happened with you and Remus? I mean, did something...did anything…”

Sirius sighed and sat up. “Relax, okay? We didn’t get funky right here in your room, mate.”

James tossed a t-shirt over his head and groaned. “Please don’t use the word ‘funky’ in that context ever again.”

“We didn’t get funky anywhere near your precious house,” Sirius continued, ignoring James. “The moment was never right. I mean, I don’t want to rush it either. We just...words were exchanged. We talked things out.”

James pulled the t-shirt off his head, making his hair even more of a mess than normal. “So things were discussed. Things are in motion? Am I right -- are you destined to be together?”

“I don’t know,” said Sirius, picking at his duvet. “I hope so?”

James sighed. “Ah, young love. You know this was all down to me, right? I’m the one who mentioned the banter, remember? I fully expect you to reciprocate and somehow help me woo Evans this year. This _has_ to be the year. Even you’ve said I’m less objectionable than I once was, right?”

“Mmm, marginally so,” said Sirius. “I’ll see what I can do, Prongs. But I can’t promise miracles.”

Sirius lay back down and, moments later, James’ t-shirt hit him in the face.

 

***************

For the first time ever, Sirius arrived at King’s Cross without his parents and Regulus. If asked to imagine this day, he might have guessed that it would feel liberating. In reality, he felt uneasy as they made their way to Platform 9 ¾. At any moment, they could turn a corner and run smack into his parents and he would have to face their haughty expressions. When he came through the barrier, Sirius winced and glanced around, but he didn’t see his family anywhere. Instead, he caught sight of Remus standing with his parents. Remus’ face lit up when he saw Sirius, and Sirius paused to wave at him. But James came through the barrier just then, stumbling into Sirius and knocking them both down.

“Thanks for that, mate,” said Sirius, wiping his hands on his trousers as he stood up.

“Well, you’re supposed to move away once you’ve come through,” said James. “Honestly.”

Eventually they sorted themselves out and the Potters followed them onto the platform. While James’ parents ran through a checklist of things he should have brought, Sirius wandered off toward Remus.

“Hello, Sirius,” said Mr. Lupin, sticking out his hand for Sirius to shake. “Good summer?”

“Brilliant,” Sirius replied, shaking his hand. Although Sirius adored James’ parents and was eternally grateful for how they’d helped him, he actually felt more comfortable around the Lupins. They were the happy medium between the sometimes suffocating love that the Potters lavished on their son and the chilly environment in his own home.

“Nice to see you again,” said Mrs. Lupin, giving him a warm smile. “I like the long hair.”

Sirius grinned at her. “My parents hate it.”

“Perhaps they’re a bit old-fashioned,” she said.

“They’re a bit something,” said Sirius, winking and making her laugh.

“Right,” said Remus. “Did you want to...can we have a moment alone?”

“Of course, of course,” said Mr. Lupin. “Go on, we’ll wait here with your trunk.”

Remus nodded to his father, then gestured for Sirius to follow him to a secluded area of the platform, away from the bustle of the families and students.

“Having fun flirting with my mother?” he said, smirking at Sirius.

“She started it! She said she liked my hair.”

“It is very fetching,” said Remus, studying him with his head cocked to one side.

They stared at each other for a few long moments before Remus took a step toward him.

“Whoa,” said Sirius. “What...what are you doing?”

Remus chuckled. “Er, sorry. I...I’ve just been thinking about things ever since I left James’ house. I think...I wanted to do something. And I should have just done it before I left. But you know how I am, what with the waffling.”

“It’s downright absurd,” said Sirius, smiling fondly at him.

“So. In the spirit of setting that waffle aside,” said Remus, stepping toward him again.

The sentence remained unfinished. The next thing Sirius knew, Remus’ hand was on the back of his neck and he was left wondering where Remus had learned how to kiss like this. Granted, Sirius had absolutely no experience in kissing anyone, so Remus could be really shit at it and he’d never know. But judging by the way Sirius’ stomach leapt into his throat, Remus was definitely not shit at this.

It was over far too soon, but Remus’ hand remained on Sirius’ neck, and his thumb rubbed gently at the skin below his ear. Sirius gazed up at him, knowing that he looked like a lovestruck idiot and not really caring.

“You know,” he said, swallowing nervously. “I’ve been a fan of your waffling in the past, begrudgingly. But I think I rather prefer it when you get straight to the point.”

Remus smiled and bit his lip. “I should have done it earlier. I probably should have done it last year at this time.”

Sirius felt an odd pang in his chest at the thought of this lost time. They could have had all of last year to figure this out. But he told himself it didn’t matter -- they had this year, and many years to come. Right now, all the time in the world stretched ahead of them and Sirius just wanted to spend it together. He hoped the look on Remus’ face meant that he felt the same way.

“What time is it?” he asked.

Remus looked at his watch. Like most Muggle mechanisms, it didn’t work properly when he was at Hogwarts. He still wore it, though, no matter how much Sirius teased him.

“Half ten,” he said.

Sirius grinned. “All the time in the world.”

Just as Remus was smiling back at him, Sirius pulled him down for another kiss. When their lips met he felt it all the way down to his toes.


	2. 1976, Fall

_ 1976 - Fall _

For all its hidden nooks and secluded crannies, Hogwarts somehow did not lend itself to clandestine snogging. Remus was almost as appalled at this fact as he was at how often he wanted a place to snog. Since the beginning of term, since he made the first move on the train platform, Remus hadn’t been able to keep his hands off Sirius. In the past, there had been a stray thought here or there about what it might be like to be with Sirius. Now it was all that filled his mind. Between classes, during classes, with their friends...it never seemed to stop. 

Just the week before, the four of them had been eating supper when Remus had felt something graze his leg. When he glanced up at Sirius, he found him _leering_ at him. What was more, Remus _didn’t mind this_. Frankly, he was disgusted with the both of them. 

But the disgust couldn’t have been that strong, because that very evening he and Sirius had snuck down to the common room once everyone was asleep. This had become a favorite activity of theirs -- becoming a writhing mass of limbs and falling onto one of the couches. The only problem was that time ceased to exist when they were together, and Remus was beginning to feel the lack of sleep. 

On a Wednesday evening in the middle of October, Remus and Sirius were strolling around the castle after dark. The hallways were already chilled with the autumn wind that howled past outside, and Remus was glad of the cloak that had felt suffocating in September. 

“Let’s just grab one of the classrooms,” said Sirius.

“That sounds like a good idea,” said Remus. “But it sounded like a good idea last week as well, until we stumbled upon those fourth years.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sirius, almost fondly. “I had no idea there were so many people messing around with each other in this castle.”

“Please, we’re a bunch of adolescents with raging hormones, cooped up inside for months on end,” said Remus.

“Stop talking about raging hormones,” said Sirius. “At least until we find an empty classroom. Listen, I’m going to try the next one.”

“Just be careful.”

“Why bother? You have the perfect cover -- if we find someone, just tell them off for snogging and flash the ol’ prefect badge.”

Remus groaned. After the start-of-term feast, he’d been summoned to Dumbledore’s office with several other sixth-year students. To his dismay, Dumbledore had named him a Gryffindor prefect. He was serving alongside Alice Longbottom, and he had to keep making excuses for wanting to make their rounds separately. Alice was lovely, and Remus had studied with her in the library once or twice, but his one-track mind only wanted to be with Sirius. 

As soon as Dumbledore had handed him the tiny silver badge, Remus knew he didn’t deserve it. There’d been a glint in the headmaster’s eye that suggested Remus might use this authority to keep James and Sirius from flooding the Slytherin common room or charming suits of armor to dance around the Great Hall. If he could see him now -- abusing his power to clear out classrooms for his own snogging purposes -- Remus was sure that Dumbledore would shake his head and wonder why he’d ever let him into Hogwarts in the first place. 

“How about here?” said Sirius. He cracked open the door to their Charms classroom, poked his head inside, and then rapidly withdrew it. 

“Occupied?”

Sirius nodded, his eyes wide. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Come on, then,” said Remus. “It’s getting late.”

Sirius groaned. “What’s the point, anyway? Let’s just go claim a table in the Great Hall. No one will walk in on us there.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’d rather not snog where I eat my three meals.”

The only reason they were going to the trouble of finding an empty classroom was for privacy. There hadn’t even been time to have a conversation about who they should tell or when they should tell them. Once they were on the train and on their way to Hogwarts, Sirius announced the exciting news to James and Peter. It was immediately apparent that they hadn’t needed to make an announcement at all. Apparently this was old news. 

“Well, that makes sense,” Peter had said, not even looking up from the new Chocolate Frog card he’d unwrapped. 

“Yes!” James had shouted, pumping his fists in the air. “You did it! Jesus, that was fast, though. Who made the first move? Tell me  _ everything _ .”

After that, news had spread pretty easily. Lily found out somehow and congratulated Remus. Alice and Frank welcomed them to the Club for People Getting Together in Sixth Year. Kingsley sidled up to them in the common room one evening and asked if they were really, truly in love, before making them promise not to hurt each other. 

Those who missed the gossip train found out in more interesting ways. 

During a “study session” in the library one night, a wayward elbow had knocked some books off a nearby shelf. By the time Madam Pince made her way to their area, Remus and Sirius had managed to set the books to rights. However, as soon as she was gone, a certain pair of brothers stepped out from behind the offending shelf, grinning from ear to ear.

“What’s this?” Gideon had said. “I thought Remus Lupin was a great lover of books. Now he’s forsaken them for a new love?”

“Honestly, I’m heartbroken,” said Fabian. “Sirius, you promised me you wouldn’t take another lover until my divorce was final. Here I am, with the papers just gone through, and I find you like this?”

“There’s no need to dash them to the floor, old boy,” Gideon continued. “You may need them again when this arsehole breaks your heart the way he’s broken my brother’s heart.”

All Remus could say was, “Oh my God.”

Sirius was far more eloquent, as was his wont. “Fabian, please accept my most sincere apologies. When I made you that promise, I didn’t know my own heart.”

“A likely story,” said Fabian, his handsome face contorted with fake but very convincing hysterics. “Take care, young Lupin. His loins may burn for you now, but who knows whose loins will catch his eye tomorrow?”

Sirius turned to Remus, clutching at his arm. “Don’t listen to him, my love. You know I only have eyes for your loins.”

Remus had simply repeated, “Oh my God.”

He still wasn’t sure how he’d extricated himself from that one. With the Prewetts, you typically had to wait until they found something new to make fun of. After they’d gone, Sirius had dropped the dramatic tone and assured Remus that nothing had ever happened between him and Fabian. 

“You know how we like to joke around,” he said. “I mean, looking back, I’m pretty sure I had a crush on him for years. But nothing ever happened. You’re...well, you’re actually my first.”

Remus had been waiting for this slightly awkward topic to come up. Ever since that day on the platform, he’d been trying to keep to his new mantra of no waffling (at least when it came to Sirius), but this one tested his resolve. It was a full ten minutes before he could respond. 

“Sirius, I just want you to know that you’re not my first,” he said, forcing the words out. 

For a moment, something flickered in Sirius’ eyes. It was too brief, though, and Remus couldn’t work out whether it was surprise or hurt. When it was gone, Sirius just smiled at him.

“I kind of figured,” he said. “I mean...you kiss _really_ well.”

After that, the conversation had devolved and more books were knocked over. That time, Madam Pince caught them as they were reshelving the books and booted them out. 

Remus and Sirius turned a corner and stared down another hallway with classroom doors to try. Remus started forward, but Sirius grabbed the back of his cloak. 

“Hey,” he said, glancing around the hallway as he dragged Remus close to him. “Who cares, eh? No one’s around, and I can’t wait any longer.”

Remus tried to protest, but Sirius pulled him down into a kiss that rendered speech impossible. In a matter of seconds, whatever Remus had been about to say was completely gone from his brain, replaced by just one thought. He ran his fingers through Sirius’ hair and pushed him back against the stone wall. Sirius moaned against his lips and clutched at his cloak, trying to pull him closer and closer. 

“Hello, boys.”

Remus tore himself away from Sirius, his heart beating out of his chest, certain that Professor McGonagall had just come around the corner. But when he got his bearings, all he saw was Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes walking past them down the hall. Dorcas turned to grin at them, and Marlene winked knowingly. 

“Get back to your dormitory, you delinquents!” Sirius shouted after them. “Show them your badge, Remus. Go on.”

“Sirius, shut up, you’ll lead Filch straight to us,” Remus hissed. 

In second year, Remus had had a silly schoolboy crush on Marlene McKinnon. They were paired up in Potions once, and she was roughly as terrible at the subject as Remus, so they had fun ruining a cauldron. Two years later, when he’d stumbled upon Marlene and Dorcas in the common room, enjoying themselves on the couch by the fire, he’d been surprised and a little disappointed. 

About a week after the incident with the Prewetts, Marlene and Dorcas had interrupted Remus and Sirius in a very similar situation. Remus was mortified and terrified of how Marlene might tease him. But she just smiled and said, “You’ve gotten over me, then?”

Since then, the four of them had been running into each other during these late nights in the castle and trading barbs whenever possible. Remus thought of them fondly as part of his little queer family at Hogwarts. He was fairly certain one of the Prewetts was part of this family, but he couldn’t work out which one because they were equally flamboyant. Though Frank was currently deeply devoted to Alice, he’d told Remus about past dalliances with men. If certain rumors were to be believed, even Dumbledore himself was part of the Hogwarts queer family. Though they were a tiny group, Remus thought they were quite fierce.

“End of your night, or just the beginning?” said Marlene, wandering back toward them. 

“The beginning, I hope,” said Sirius, his fingers grazing Remus’ wrist. 

“Us too,” said Dorcas. “The castle is getting freezing now, and we’ve got to find interesting ways of keeping warm.”

“Well, good luck,” said Remus. “Look out for Alice, I know she’s at least doing her job.”

Marlene snorted. “Right. Unless, of course, she’s in one of these rooms with Frank. Honestly, I don’t know why they think we’re going to police each other. See you guys later!”

“I can see why you fancied her,” said Sirius, keeping his voice low as the girls walked away. “In fact, I’d understand if you still fancied her.”

Remus smiled at Sirius and dipped his head down to kiss him, aiming to make his knees tremble. When he pulled away, he whispered, “I only want you, Sirius Black. Just you.”

*******************

Sirius could safely say that his sixth year was his best year yet at Hogwarts. When he thought back to the start of summer, those few weeks he’d spent in the suffocating environment of Grimmauld Place, it felt like another lifetime. His parents hadn’t tried to contact him; what would they say if they did? The few times he’d seen Regulus in the halls of Hogwarts, Regulus had quickly avoided his gaze. Sirius had half a mind to ask him how he was, but it was clear that Regulus wanted nothing to do with him, so he put him out of his mind.

Besides, he was a little too focused on one Remus Lupin to think much about his musty old family. If he was perfectly honest, he wasn’t even trying to pay attention in class anymore. In the past he’d put in something of an effort, mainly to show Remus that he could care about school too. But now he could impress Remus in  _ other _ _ ways _ , and school seemed boring when they could be spending time together instead. 

Remus had always been the quiet one in their group, and that hadn’t changed in this new relationship. Sometimes Sirius was left wondering what he was thinking, or worrying that he wasn’t actually that interested in him. But then they would be alone together, and Remus would look at him, and Sirius would so clearly see the truth of his feelings. Though he didn’t talk much about how he felt, Remus’ face was incredibly easy to read. Or perhaps Sirius had spent so much time looking at him over the years that he knew Remus’ expressions like an old, favorite book. 

Either way, Remus had his ways of banishing Sirius’ doubts and insecurities. Those ways often involved his hands, and Sirius had never before noticed how strong and sexy Remus’ hands were. But now he appreciated them on a whole new level. 

“You know you talk too much, right?”

Sirius opened his eyes to find the upside-down figure of his good friend James, with his hands on his hips, looking quite cross. Sirius sat up from where he’d been laying with his head dangling off the bed and closed his eyes against the dizziness. 

“What do you mean?” he said, waiting for his brain to calm down. 

James sighed and messed up his hair. “I don’t want to hear about Remus’ hands, okay?”

“Shit.” Sirius opened his eyes. “Was I saying that out loud?”

“Yes!” said James, exasperated. “Merlin’s beard, you’re not even high.”

Sirius shrugged. “I’m always a little bit high.”

“You’re infuriating.”

“Yeah, but you love me.”

James rolled his eyes and sat down on the bed next to Sirius. “You’ve become completely disgusting. Listen, I’m as happy as the next guy that you and Moony have gotten together. But do I need to hear about it all the time? Can we not talk about other things?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Sirius. “Is this James Potter speaking? The same one who spends roughly seventy-five percent of each day talking about and lusting after one Ms. Lily Evans?”

“Mate, that is not the same, and you know it.”

“You’re right, it’s not the same. At least I’m with the person I talk about all the time.”

As soon as the words left his lips, he regretted them. But James didn’t explode or act insulted, as he thought he might do. Instead, he hung his head and sighed.

“You’re right,” he said. “I’m pathetic.”

Sirius shuffled closer to James and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, I didn’t say that.”

“Maybe not, but it’s the truth.” James ran his fingers roughly through his hair so that it stood on end in new and exciting ways. “This _has_ to be the year. I...I’ve got to...what can I do?”

“I said I would help you, didn’t I?” said Sirius. “Never fear, a plan is in the works.”

James looked at him, unimpressed. “Oh, really? You know, I’ve had plans in the past. Clearly, our brand of plans don’t work with Lily.”

“This is new and improved, never you fear,” said Sirius. 

James squinted at him. “Is there really a plan, or are you just saying there’s a plan?”

“There’s a plan!” Sirius insisted. 

There was no plan. Sirius had forgotten his promise to help James and his Romantic Endeavors until that very moment. But it pained him to see his friend so upset when he was spending every night in the throes of passion with someone whose eyes burned with true love when they looked at him. Those eyes, by the way, were a very particular shade of brown that Sirius had never noticed before, and which had the ability to be very piercing if you touched Remus right where...

“You’re saying all of this out loud again,” said James. Sirius snapped back to reality and was faced with James’ exasperated expression. “Did you not realize?”

“Fuck,” said Sirius.

Sirius spent the next week daydreaming during class in a whole new way. Of course, Remus still made appearances, but he mostly daydreamed about how to get James and Lily together. In all the years of James being annoying and Lily being annoyed by him, Sirius had always thought they could hit it off under the right circumstances. They just needed to be forced together in some way, given some common ground to discuss. 

“Are we doing the Beatles again?”

“Huh?” said Sirius. Though, on the surface, he was playing Exploding Snap with his friends, his mind was miles away in the land of Fixing Up James Potter. 

“For Halloween,” said Peter. “It’s a nice, easy costume idea.”

“True,” said James, contemplating his cards. “There aren’t many other groups of four people we could dress up as.”

“Well, there are lots of other bands,” said Remus.

“The Beatles are really easily recognizable, though,” said James. “And people sort of expect us to do it at this point.”

“I don’t have a problem doing it again,” said Remus, shrugging and setting down a card.

“We’ve already got the wigs,” said Peter. “I’ve still got mine, at least.”

“Sirius?” said James. “Any thoughts?”

“Yup, the Beatles,” said Sirius. “Fine by me.”

The Beatles might be boring, but it was true that it was an easy costume idea. It might be fun, Sirius thought, for people to see John kissing George as the night wore on and he and Remus got steadily drunker. 

“That would be quite funny,” Remus said, when Sirius told him this. “But I’m sure we could think of two people who’d look even funnier kissing each other.”

“Dumbledore and Filch?” Sirius suggested.

Remus pulled a face. “I said funny, not sickening. I don’t want to imagine Filch kissing anyone.”

“True.” Sirius leaned in for another kiss, his fingers sneaking between two buttons of Remus’ shirt to tease at the bare skin there. 

“Hey,” said Remus, when they broke apart. “I’ve got an idea.”

Sirius grumbled when Remus pushed him off his lap and clambered off the bed to root through his trunk. “What are you doing? James and Peter will be back any minute, and we never get to snog in an actual bed.”

“I know, just hang on,” said Remus. “Aha!”

When he emerged from behind his trunk, Remus was holding up “Bridge over Troubled Water,” one of his favorite albums. He gestured to the album cover, looking expectantly at Sirius.

“Oh, no,” said Sirius, as he realized what Remus was suggesting. “Never gonna happen. Which one do you expect me to be? The one with the bad haircut, or the other one with the bad haircut?”

“Oh, and that Beatles wig looks so flattering on you?” said Remus. “I’d be Garfunkel, obviously, because I’m taller.”

Sirius frowned. “Not sure if I’d even want to snog you if you looked like that.”

“Oh, no?” said Remus, climbing back onto the bed. “Not even if I did...this?”

Blessedly, James and Peter stayed away just long enough for Remus and Sirius to compose themselves and avoid getting caught in the act. Sirius wasn’t entirely sure how it happened, but he agreed to dress up as Simon and Garfunkel for Halloween. That meant he had to break the news to James, who would be pissed that they weren’t doing their group costume anymore. He’d probably call Remus ‘Yoko’ or something, which was absurd because Remus was so obviously a George, and if anyone was Yoko it was Lily.

Lily. Perhaps this was the key. James would need a new costume, and Sirius could be the one to suggest something. Now he just needed to figure out a way to talk to Lily, who despised him even more than she despised James. 

*******************

In any other life, with any other circumstances, the library would not have been one of Sirius’ favorite haunts. However, in this life, one Remus Lupin was quite fond of the library. By the transitive property of fancying someone without knowing it, Sirius had spent a lot of time in the library. This worked in his favor, though, because it meant that Madam Pince didn’t look too suspiciously at him as he strolled in one Wednesday evening. At least, no more suspiciously than she looked at every student. 

Sirius knew the table he wanted. It was near the library entrance, but just hidden enough that he’d be able to watch who came and went without drawing attention to himself. Contrary to popular belief, he could be furtive when the situation called for it. The summer after his first year at Hogwarts, he’d spent most of his time melting into the wallpaper of Grimmauld Place.

Once he’d snagged the table, Sirius grabbed a large book and placed it on the table with some parchment. As long as he turned the pages of the book every few minutes, he figured Madam Pince would not throw him out.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Sirius could not lay low at Hogwarts as well as he could in his own house. Twenty minutes after he arrived, Fabian came by and asked him how things were going with Remus. He gave polite but perfunctory answers and told Fabian he was busy. Alice wandered by and asked him if he’d seen Remus anywhere, and Sirius told her he’d last seen him in the Great Hall. Though these interruptions were annoying, Sirius was able to get rid of them pretty easily. When a fourth year named Arabella Vance came by, things got trickier. 

“Yes?” said Sirius, after several minutes of Arabella hovering nearby but not saying anything. 

“Hi,” she said shyly. “Erm, I was just wondering…”

Arabella hesitated, and just at that moment Lily Evans walked into the library. Sirius nearly jumped from his chair and ran after her, but then he remembered he had to be discreet. 

“Yes, yes?” said Sirius, urging Arabella on.

“Well, erm, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?” she said, finally. 

Sirius sighed and realized this was the first time he’d have to turn down a date because he was with someone else. Then he realized it was the first time someone had asked him out since returning to Hogwarts. Why had it taken this long? It was nearly Halloween, and no one had shown interest in him? Did news travel that fast, or was he seriously losing his touch? Why was Remus even with him? Clearly he no longer held the allure he once had, fending off young ladies sometimes twice a week. What had he become? 

“Well?” said Arabella, snapping him out of it.

“Sorry,” said Sirius. Past Arabella, he could see Lily making her way through the stacks to find a quiet table of her own. “I’m dating Remus Lupin. You must not have heard.”

Arabella gave him a once-over and scoffed. “You must be joking.”

“Listen,” said Sirius, gathering up his things and reshelving the book. “A lot of beautiful men in your future will be gay. I’m just preparing you for that.”

Arabella scoffed again, and Sirius skirted past her in search of Lily. As he followed the path he’d seen Lily take, Sirius couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that he’d just said he was _dating_ Remus. Was that how Remus would characterize their relationship? He wondered. 

It didn’t take long for Sirius to find the table Lily had chosen. He spied her through the gap between two shelves and took a quick ten seconds to review his plan. Then, hoping she hadn’t seen him as she came into the library, Sirius stepped out and pretended to be finding her by accident.

“Oh, hey, Evans,” he said, nonchalantly. 

Lily looked up, clearly surprised to see him and equally surprised that he was talking to her. Sirius supposed he deserved that reaction -- he hadn’t been very nice to Lily in the past, and this was probably a good time to stop that for several reasons. But he understood why she might be wary of him. 

“Sirius,” she said, nodding to him. Then she went back to the essay she was writing. 

Sirius almost never felt this nervous around people. He could generally talk to anyone, and he found it easy to strike up conversations. But anything he said to Lily would, he thought, also reflect on James. For the first time, he was aware of this connection and wondered if perhaps he’d contributed to Lily’s poor opinion of James over the years. He had to be careful, and that might require him to go against some of his instincts. Perhaps he could just pretend to be Remus, who’d always got on well with Lily.

“Hey, um, did you -- do you mind if I sit down?”

Again Lily glanced up, and this time he could see she was suspicious. She set down her quill and folded her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry, what’s happening?”

“I just…” Sirius paused and cleared his throat. “I just had a question about Potions? I saw you sitting here and I thought you might know.”

Lily studied him, and he could almost see the wheels turning in her head. “Has Remus told you to be nice to me or something?”

“No,” said Sirius. “I just...I just saw you sitting here and I knew you’d know about Potions. What, erm, what we were supposed to write that essay on?”

“The essay that’s due tomorrow,” said Lily.

“That’s right. That one.”

“The Draught of Living Death.”

“Right. Good. Not too complicated, I can definitely write that one in an evening.”

Lily rolled her eyes at him and turned back to her essay. Sirius cursed himself -- he hadn’t expected it to be this difficult to talk to her, but he felt the weight of all the times he’d made fun of her or put her down because she was stealing James’ attention. Why had he been so stupid?

“C-can I sit down?” he asked, again. 

Lily sighed and rubbed at her forehead, leaving a smudge of ink above one eyebrow. “I’m very busy, Sirius. You’d better just tell me what you actually want to talk about.”

“Right.” Sirius slid into the chair across from her and folded his hands in front of him on the table. “I was just wondering who you’re dressing as for Halloween.”

Lily stared at him for what felt like a very long time. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“May I make a suggestion?” he said. Though the look on Lily’s face clearly said “no,” he continued. “You know Sonny and Cher, those Americans who sing?”

Again, Lily stared at him. If only he knew what she was thinking. On the other hand, knowing that might make him want to run away. Finally she said, “Yes, I know of them.”

“Remus has one of their albums,” said Sirius. “I noticed it the other day, and I thought that Cher sort of looked like you. Don’t ask me why I thought that, it just came to me. Anyway, I was reminded again when I saw you come in, and...and I wanted to tell you. You know, in case you hadn’t thought of anything for Halloween.”

The silences before Lily’s responses were going to kill him, he was sure of it.

“I look nothing like Cher,” she said.

“Sure, but maybe with a wig?” said Sirius.

“I don’t really know why you’re giving me this suggestion,” said Lily. “But I know from experience that something weird is probably behind it. It usually is with you lot. So, thank you, but I’m still deciding what I’ll dress as for the party.”

“Okay,” said Sirius. 

He wasn’t sure why he thought there might be more to the conversation, but he sat there like a fool for just slightly too long. Then Lily raised an eyebrow pointedly at him and he slid out of the chair bashfully.

“Well,” he said. “See you later?”

“Not likely,” said Lily, who was already looking down at her schoolwork again. 

*******************

“I will look like an absolute nob.”

“Who cares? I’m gonna look like a nob as well. It’s Halloween, pretty much everyone is gonna look like a nob.”

“Yeah, but like  _ this _ ?”

James held up the album -- Sonny and Cher, “The Two of Us.” Sirius had to admit that he was right -- this Sonny bloke had an extra helping of “looking like a nob.” He knew this would be a hard sell, and he had no idea if his awkward conversation with Lily had done any good, but he had to try. If this didn’t work, he’d just have to count on everyone at the party being rather tipsy and not noticing James’ odd costume.

“It’ll be hilarious, though,” he insisted. “I’ll get Peter to dress up as Cher. Can you imagine? Just consider the mental image for a moment.”

James thought and gave into a chuckle. “Okay, you do have a point. Besides, it’s something new instead of our tired old Beatles idea.”

“That’s the spirit,” said Sirius. “Who knows? This look might grow on you.”

“Right,” said James, rolling his eyes. “Don’t think I don’t know why you’re doing this, by the way.”

“What?” said Sirius, playing dumb. 

“This whole costume suggestion thing,” said James. “It’s because Remus has roped you into some other idea, isn’t it?”

Sirius studied his fingernails. “I don’t know what you’re on about.”

When he looked up again, James had his arms crossed and was smiling fondly at him. “Moony really must have magic hands or something. You _love_ dressing up as Lennon.”

“Listen,” said Sirius, the beginnings of a protest on the tip of his tongue. Then he realized there was no point in protesting; James was absolutely right. He shook his head. “Anyway, it’s nice to have a change sometimes.”

“Sure, sure,” said James, nodding so smugly that Sirius had no choice but to tackle him. 

*******************

“Remus? You know you have a very strange boyfriend, don’t you?”

Remus, who had simply been eating a bowl of porridge, looked up to find Lily posing this very interesting question. He set down his spoon.

“As a matter of fact, I’m keenly aware of that,” he said. “What’s up?”

Lily sat down. “The other day, Sirius cornered me in the library to suggest that I dress up as Cher for Halloween.”

Remus let out  a guffaw of laughter, unable to stop himself because those words arranged in that order were absolutely ridiculous. Lily frowned at him, though, so he quickly reigned it in.

“I, er, I have no idea why he’d do that,” he said, clearing his throat to cover up some lingering giggles.

“Are you sure?” said Lily, squinting at him. “I know you’re the one who looks innocent, but you’re always just as deep in the shit as the others. What’s this all about?”

“Honestly, I have no idea,” said Remus, holding up his hands. “I mean, we’ve been discussing our costumes for Halloween, but I don’t know why he’d suggest something to you.”

Lily sighed, looking disappointed. “I’ve thought it over a million different ways and I can’t figure it out either. I really thought you might know.”

“I’m sorry I can’t help,” said Remus, dipping his spoon into his porridge. “The only thing I can think of is that it must have something to do with James.”

“Oh?” said Lily, leaning into the table. “What do you mean?”

“Well, think about it. Why else would Sirius be talking to you? James stopped telling me about schemes that involve you because he knows we talk, and I don’t really approve of all his absurd ideas to woo you.”

“Huh,” said Lily. “I know I shouldn’t be giving it a second thought, really, because it’s Sirius and he’s clearly mad. No offense, I’m sure he has his good points.”

“I can think of three, at least,” said Remus, smirking. Privately he knew that his list of Sirius’ good points could potentially stretch into infinity. 

“But for some reason I can’t get this out of my head,” Lily continued. “It was just so bizarre. Are you sure you don’t know more than you’re saying?”

Remus shrugged. “I told you, they keep me in the dark about these things. If you want to stay out of it, I’d suggest not dressing up as Cher. God -- really? Cher? Why Cher, of all things?”

“Who says I want to stay out of it?”

Lily said this very quietly, and she said it while Remus was pondering about Cher, so he almost didn’t hear it. But when he looked at her, Lily was visibly blushing.

“Now who knows more than they’re saying?” He set down his spoon and pushed away his bowl.

Lily sighed loudly and ran her hands through her long hair. “Feelings are confusing. Okay? Last month, after the start-of-term party, James helped me clean up the common room. I didn’t ask him or anything, he just stuck around and helped me. It was weird at first, and then we just started talking. I think it was the first time we’ve talked properly, like two normal people. James wasn’t trying to ask me out or anything, we just...talked.”

Though he’d never tell her, Remus wasn’t enormously surprised by Lily’s confession. Over the years, he’d seen the way she barely held back laughter when James and Sirius were being idiots. He’d seen her smiling once when James helped a first year find a classroom he was looking for. If she’d truly wanted to rebuff James’ advances once and for all, she could have done it ages ago. James wasn’t a complete idiot -- if he hadn’t felt like he had something of a chance with Lily, he would have stopped beating that dead horse.

“I suppose this really is the year of people getting into relationships,” he said, winking at her.

“No one said anything about getting into a relationship,” said Lily. “I’ve got too much going on this year, anyway. So, I guess, thanks for the chat.”

Lily was halfway across the Great Hall before Remus could even say goodbye. He smiled into his porridge and hoped that whatever was going to happen on Halloween went well.

*******************

The air was frigid, but Sirius’ hands were warm as they crept under Remus’ shirt. They’d grown tired of trying to find an empty classroom and had settled for the Astronomy Tower. Now Remus found himself pressed against the hard stone of the tower’s parapet, Sirius snogging him within an inch of his life. He hadn’t thought about his conversation with Lily in several days, but Remus’ mind worked in strange ways. When Sirius leaned in to kiss the skin under his ear, his black hair brushed against Remus’ face and he was reminded of Cher.

“Hey,” he said. “Erm, should I be worried about Halloween?”

Sirius pulled back. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“Lily told me you ambushed her in the library to talk about Cher,” he said. Again, he felt the urge to break into hysterical laughter. He bit his lip to stop himself.

“Oh,” said Sirius. “That was nothing, forget about it.”

“I just want to know ahead of time if something crazy is going to happen,” said Remus. “I do like to plan ahead. You’ve made it very hard to do so, but I can try.”

Sirius smiled at him. “Honestly, it’s nothing crazy. Don’t waste another thought on it.”

“If you say so.”

Remus thought perhaps he had better worry about it just a bit because, after all, James and Sirius were involved. But then Sirius tugged at the waistband of his trousers, and it was hard to think about much of anything.

*******************

Halloween was on a Sunday, which gave Sirius lots of free time to worry about whether his plan was going to come together or not. He spent the morning in the Great Hall having a leisurely breakfast with Remus. They took a walk around the lake, though the cold wind quickly ruined  their enjoyment. Finally it was time to get ready, and Sirius made himself busy in the bathroom with Remus’ copy of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” propped up on the sink. 

“Be careful with that,” said Remus, wandering into the bathroom. “I’d like it to remain dry and in one piece.”

“I know, I just need a reference for this ridiculous hairstyle,” said Sirius. He stared at himself in the mirror, reminded himself it was just for one night, and then scooped a glob of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion out of one of a zillion jars they had in their dormitory. 

“Go on, you look fine,” said Remus, encouragingly. As Sirius slicked down his hair, Remus tapped his wand against his own head, teasing the strands of his hair out until they formed a sort of afro akin to the one that Garfunkel sported on the album cover. 

“We’re hideous,” said Sirius, when he’d finished and had a chance to study them both. 

“It’s all in the spirit of fun,” said Remus, kissing him on the cheek. “Come on, I’ve got the costumes.”

Using some Transfiguration spells he’d found in a library book, Remus was able to alter some of his clothes to match those worn by Simon and Garfunkel. Sirius donned the brown jacket and plaid scarf, feeling that he truly got the short end of the stick in this costume arrangement. All Remus had to wear was a black overcoat. But any reluctance he felt was soon whisked away as Remus surveyed his handiwork and grinned.

“You know, I think we’ve done quite well,” he said. 

“I feel like a tit,” said Sirius. “But you’re right that it’s a good costume. Good job on the clothes.”

Remus looked so pleased with himself, a look he so rarely sported, and Sirius found it adorable. He pulled him down by the lapels of his overcoat and kissed him softly. “Happy Halloween.”

“What the bloody hell are you two dressed as?”

Remus and Sirius glanced toward the doorway in unison to find Peter standing there. He was dressed in a suit and tie, with a fake mustache plastered over his top lip and a mop-top wig on his head. 

Sirius gulped, realizing his massive oversight. “Erm, we’re Simon and Garfunkel.”

“Well, I’m gonna look pretty stupid out there, aren’t I?” said Peter. 

“That’s a...it’s a very good Ringo costume,” said Remus

“Not very good if there’s only one Beatle, though,” said Peter. “I assume I’m the only one who followed through, eh? What’s James, then?”

At that very moment, James walked in and Sirius had to try very hard not to laugh. James had also plastered down his hair and was wearing a large fake mustache. He wore an absurd denim shirt with sparkly appliques, just like Sonny Bono on the album cover Sirius had shown him. James pointed at Remus and Sirius, no doubt about to make a smart remark, and then he noticed Peter.

“Are you kidding me?” he said. “I thought you were supposed to be Cher! What happened?”

“Cher?” said Peter, bewildered. “No one said anything to me about Cher. I thought we were still doing the Beatles.”

“Is this what I shouldn’t have worried about?” said Remus.

“Er, this is only half of it,” said Sirius, keep his voice low.

“Oh, this is a fucking disaster,” said James. “It’s only funny if I’ve got a stupid-looking Cher by my side. Now I’m just an idiot wearing an ugly shirt.”

“How should I know I was supposed to dress up as Cher?” said Peter. “No one told me anything!”

“Sirius?” said James, staring him down. “Did you forget to tell Peter about this?”

Sirius didn’t have very long to decide his response. In the end he chose a shrug and apologetic expression. “I’m so sorry, mate. It must have slipped my mind?”

James fumed at him, which was mostly just funny because of the fake mustache. “Great job, arsehole. Now I have to look like  _ this  _ in front of Lily. You’re really coming through on that promise.”

With that, he stormed out of the dormitory, slamming the door shut behind him and stomping off down the stairs. Peter stood there for a moment, his hands at his sides. Then he sighed and followed James down to the party. 

“What promise?” said Remus.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Sirius.

“Oh, yes, and that worked so well with this debacle.”

Remus and Sirius followed their friends down to the common room, which was already abuzz with activity. Some people -- mostly seventh years -- chose not to dress up, but most were clad in a variety of absurd and impressive costumes. Sirius scanned the room for Lily, desperate to find her because the rest of the plan was up to her now. He got confused because none of the redheads he saw were Lily, and then he realized she was wearing a black wig, standing near the refreshments, talking to James.

“Oh, fuck,” he said, laughing with relief. “Jesus bloody Christ, it worked.”

“What worked?” said Remus, and then he noticed where Sirius was looking. “Did you promise to help James with Lily this year?”

“Maybe,” said Sirius, whirling around to face Remus. “I know I probably shouldn’t meddle, and this whole thing almost went tits up, so I’m clearly bad at it. But James sort of set us up in a weird way, and I wanted to repay him for that. The guy deserves to be as happy as I am. Are you mad?”

“Not one bit,” said Remus, smiling at him in such a way that made him feel lighter than air. “Come and help me with the records, then we can dance.”

Together, Remus and Sirius put together a playlist for the first dozen or so songs of the party and set up the records to magically change themselves. This neat bit of spellwork was all down to Remus, who’d gotten tired of sitting at the turntable and watching everyone else dance. They started off the evening with Bowie’s “Young Americans,” and Remus swept Sirius onto the dance floor with those opening drum beats. 

Throughout the night, Sirius kept scanning the crowd for James and Lily, wanting an update on how his scheme was going. To his surprise, they seemed to spend the entire evening together. He saw them dancing near the turntable, laughing with Frank and Alice about their absurd costumes, and chatting near the fireplace. Sirius was used to crafting schemes for much sneakier and mean-spirited ends. It was exciting to have pulled something off that brought people closer together. 

At the end of the party, when most of the younger students had gone back to their dormitories, Remus started putting quieter tunes on the turntable. He disabled the charm and changed the records himself, with Sirius leaning against him, swaying slightly to the music. James and Lily were sitting on the couch -- Lily had abandoned her wig and Sleekeazy’s had lost its power over James’ crazy hair. Sirius wondered if he could sneak up close and eavesdrop on their conversation. But just as he began to move, Remus’ arm curled around his shoulders and pulled him close.

“Hey,” he said, his voice low and sultry. “That was an altruistic bit of conspiring you did there.”

Sirius grinned and pressed his face into Remus’ chest, breathing in the scent of his soap and sweat and firewhisky. “Do you find that sexy?”

Remus chuckled, running his fingers through Sirius’ hair. “Yes, please fix up more of our friends. Who can you find for Peter?”

Sirius glanced over at Peter, who was dancing like a maniac to Elton John’s “Your Song” because he’d had too much to drink, his Ringo wig threatening to fly right off his head.

“I can’t make any promises,” he said.

They swayed together for a bit longer until Remus cupped his jaw and kissed him slow and sweet. Sirius pulled him close and kissed him back with everything he had. This had been his best Halloween to date, and he wished that it could stretch on forever. Instead, Remus re-charmed the records and led Sirius upstairs to take advantage of the empty dormitory.

*******************

Remus found winter endlessly depressing. The dark, dreary days made him feel closed off from the world. Waking up the morning after a transformation on the cold floor of the Shrieking Shack was one of his least favorite things. On the Full Moon just after Halloween, a light dusting of snow lay on the ground. James complained about the chill on his hooves, and Peter’s whiskers shook as he shivered. Remus had to admit that he hadn’t felt the cold much that night because Padfoot and the wolf had been preoccupied with running, chasing, and brawling. Since beginning their relationship, Remus had felt a deeper connection to Padfoot on full moon nights. He joked that he would have started snogging Sirius much sooner if he’d known about these unexpected benefits. 

Unfortunately, the full moon had been the longest stretch of time he and Sirius had been able to spend together in a while. Prefect duties were more pressing as students tried to stay out past curfew in order to study for exams. Classwork became more demanding, and Remus -- who wanted to do well on his exams -- refused to slack off as Sirius had been all year. All of this amounted to less time spent sneaking into empty classrooms. Even if they’d had the time, the classrooms were likely too frigid to hide out in now.

One Sunday morning near the end of November, the dormitory miraculously emptied out. James had Quidditch practice, and Peter had a study date with a Ravenclaw girl he was interested in. Remus was unaware of this until Sirius climbed into bed beside him, introducing cold air under his warm and cozy duvet.

“Hey,” he protested, still half asleep. “In or out.”

“I know, I’m trying,” said Sirius, fumbling with the duvet until it was once again curled around Remus’ feet. Once the duvet was secured, Sirius shuffled in close and wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist. 

“What’s the occasion?” Remus mumbled into his pillow, relishing the pressure of Sirius’ head against his shoulder blade. 

“No one’s here,” Sirius replied. He nuzzled his head against Remus, putting Remus in mind of his dog form. “And I don’t care where they are because it means we can do this. I’ve missed you.”

“We see each other every day in class,” said Remus, though he knew what Sirius meant. 

“Shush, you know I can’t wrap my legs around your legs in class.”

“You could certainly try,” said Remus, smiling. “Professor McGonagall would be scandalized, and isn’t scandalizing her always your goal?”

“Good point,” said Sirius. “I guess I’ll have to try it out this week.”

Remus shifted and turned so that he was facing Sirius, the duvet covering them both up to their necks. Sirius’ hair, which had been stylishly shaggy during the summer, was now something of a mess. Remus brushed a few stray hairs off Sirius’ face and leaned in to kiss him gently. Sirius’ responded by hugging Remus close and intertwining their legs. 

“You’re like an octopus,” Remus remarked when they broke apart.

“Do I hear a note of judgment or complaint in there?” Sirius asked.

Remus smiled. “Not at all, I’m just observing.”

“Then I’ll stay right where I am.”

Remus settled his head on top of Sirius’, breathing in the stale scent of his hair. He wasn’t sure how Sirius managed it, but he didn’t seem to produce body odor. Remus noticed a muskiness to his hair if he failed to wash it for a few days, but nothing strong or unpleasant. In fact, Remus was rather fond of the smell. He imagined it had something to do with that upper-class breeding.

“Now,” he said. “If you were to do this in class, would it be more or less scandalizing than when you stood up in class and declared that I, the love of your life, would be your partner for preparing the Draught of Living Death?”

Sirius chuckled and brushed his nose against Remus’. “No worse than when you admitted that, for you, Amortentia smells partially of wet dog.”

Remus still blushed when he thought back on that. “I swear, there’s some other component to that potion that forces you to tell the truth. Everyone was saying ridiculous things. Peter said something about ink, and I have no idea what that might mean.”

“He’s in love with the person who sends out those Ministry of Magic notices,” said Sirius. “That ink has a very particular smell.”

Remus snorted. “You know, Slughorn didn’t ask you. What did it smell like for you?”

“A fresh meadow,” said Sirius, without hesitation. “Also tea and that cleaner you use to clean the records. You know that stuff?”

“Yes,” said Remus, kissing the top of Sirius’ head. “No old book smell?”

“Oddly, no,” said Sirius. “Especially odd considering I can smell it right now. Do you have books in your bed, you absolute weirdo?”

Remus reached behind him and grabbed the copy of  _ Frankenstein  _ he’d been reading the night before. “I forgot to put it away last night. Or I probably fell asleep on top of it.”

“Wish you’d fall asleep on top of me,” said Sirius, winking at him.

“I know, love,” Remus sighed. “Don’t you think it would be awkward, though, with James and Peter in the same room?”

Sirius shrugged. “They know about us. I don’t see why it should be a problem.”

Remus knew, logically, that it shouldn’t matter. If they were four Muggle blokes sharing a dormitory or a flat, it might be less awkward. But that would mean they’d have separate rooms. The thought of doing anything with Sirius while James and Peter were a short distance away, sleeping peacefully, made Remus incredibly uncomfortable. But as the term came to a close, he’d been considering a different possibility for getting some privacy.

“What are your plans for Christmas?” he asked. “I mean, I can probably guess. You want to go home with James, right?”

“That’s what I was planning to do,” said Sirius. “But if I were to get another offer…”

“You’ve never been to visit me,” said Remus. “I might be a bit biased, but I think my parents’ stuffy little cottage is the most perfect place to spend Christmas. Dad plays loads of jazz records and mum makes a splendid holiday feast. Am I selling it all right?”

Sirius laughed. “There’s no need to sell it, Moony. As long as you’re there, I know I’ll have a good time.”

Remus blushed and ducked his head, but Sirius caught his chin and pulled him into a kiss. It was so comfortable and easy to lay there with Sirius, their limbs tangled under a warm duvet. Remus pushed himself closer and they settled into a rhythm of kissing and conversing. 

“Do your parents know about us?”

“Yes, I wrote them a few weeks into the term.”

“Oh? A few weeks in? You didn’t hurry off to your stationary set as soon as we arrived?”

“I had to make sure it wasn’t going to explode or something. I thought you might get tired of me.”

“Or perhaps explode.”

“You have to admit that things seem more likely to explode when you’re around.”

“When will you stop mentioning that? I bought you a new cauldron.”

“I’m sure they’ll love having you. You’ll probably spend the whole time flirting with my mum.”

“What can I say? My charm clearly appeals to the Lupins.”

“I have my own room, obviously. And I’m very good at soundproofing spells.”

“You’re good at most spells, I don’t know why you think you need to study.”

“I need to study for Potions, at least. I bloody hate Potions.”

“Sod Potions. When will you ever need that nonsense?”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“I’m saying it because it’s bloody true. I hate that Potions makes you feel bad about yourself, because you’re a brilliant wizard.”

Remus smiled against Sirius’ lips as he kissed him again. He felt an odd sort of giddiness rise up in his chest. Sirius was always saying nice things about him. Regardless of whether Remus truly believed them (he usually didn’t), it made him feel good to know that Sirius felt this way. He couldn’t believe his luck; how had Sirius ever become interested in him? His head spun as Sirius bit his bottom lip, moving lazily, setting off all sorts of sensations in Remus’ body.

Maybe he was getting delirious from their combined warmth under the thick duvet. Maybe it was something else. Whatever the source, when they broke apart, Remus felt the words tumble from his lips. 

“Sirius, I love you.”

Suddenly, their rhythm was broken. Sirius stared at him and Remus couldn’t decipher what his expression meant. Was he scandalized? Was he embarrassed? Did he not feel the same way? Finally, Sirius blinked and he smiled in perhaps the most beautiful way Remus had ever seen. He had seen a lot of different smiles on Sirius Black’s face, but this was something new. He seemed to be lit from within.

“Oh, Moony,” he said. “You know I love you, too.”

*******************

The Quidditch pitch was one of James’ favorite places on the Hogwarts grounds. He was much fonder of it, however, when the weather was warm. Though an icy rain was falling that morning, Bethany -- their captain -- insisted that they squeeze in another practice. By the time they’d finished running drills and playing through a practice match, James was soaked through to his very bones. He shivered the whole way back up to the castle, wanting nothing more than to hurry back to the dormitory, interrupt whatever Moony and Padfoot were up to, and change into warm, dry clothes.

He certainly wasn’t counting on running into Lily somewhere along the corridor that led to Gryffindor Tower. But he turned a corner and ran directly into her, an impact that scattered the books she’d been levitating beside her all over the corridor. Lily cried out as the books went flying, and then she let loose on James.

“Watch where you’re going, you arsehole! D’you think you’re the only person in the castle? Oh my God, you’ve got the books wet as well. Why were you outside in this miserable weather?”

“Erm,” said James, who was standing there like an idiot, his hands at his sides, still startled by having collided with Lily. “I had Quidditch practice. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, help me pick up these books. Wait, no. Hold still.”

James, who had no idea what was happening, stayed where he was as Lily waved her wand in a complicated way. Hot air blew from the end of her wand and she moved in a circle around James, drying off his sopping clothes. 

“There,” she said, when he was no longer dripping. “Now you can -- oh, nevermind.”

As James watched, Lily waved her wand again and gathered the books up into a teetering stack that hovered in mid-air beside her. She turned to James, her wand still held out to keep the books afloat. 

“How can they make you practice in such dreadful weather?” she said.

James shrugged. “I like being out there. And Bethany really wants to win the cup this year.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Yes, we hear about it quite a bit in my dormitory. I’m sick to death of people talking about how important it is to win a cup for flying around.”

James smirked at her. “What about people going on about how important it is to get good marks on some silly essay?”

“Oh, it’s not the same and you know it. It’s not as though Quidditch is going to affect the rest of your life. Exam grades matter, especially if you know where you want to end up.”

“I’ve got no clue,” said James. 

Lily gave him a tolerant smile, and he appreciated that she chose not to lecture him on the importance of one’s future. Since their fourth year, Lily had been talking about becoming a healer and securing a residency at St. Mungos’ in London. Upon hearing this, James had briefly considered becoming a healer himself so they could be amazing married healers, working side by side, but it was clearly a lot of work. Besides, he didn’t much like being around sick people. 

“You’ll figure it out,” she said. “For now, did you want to end up in the common room? Because that’s where I’m headed.”

“Oh, er, yes,” said James. “I’ll follow you. If you don’t mind, I mean.”

Lily nodded and they started down the corridor, the stack of books hovering between them. James couldn’t help but think that this wouldn’t have happened a mere two months earlier. If he’d run into Lily and thrown her books all over the place, she would have shouted at him, he would have apologized profusely, and she may have even thrown a book at his head. Now they were just normal, just two people walking and talking. It was all down to that Halloween party, and James knew that Sirius had been behind their matching costumes. He wouldn’t admit to it, but it couldn’t have happened by accident. James just couldn’t work out how Sirius had known Lily would dress as Cher.

Soon they were standing at the Fat Lady’s portrait, and James let them in with the password: Drooble’s. Lily stepped in first, taking care with her stack of books, and James followed. Lily set down her books on a table near one of the couches and turned to face James. James tried to keep it together, he really did. But he was struck by the green of her eyes, and they always seemed to be his undoing.

“Hey,” he said. “Erm, I really enjoyed talking with you at the Halloween party. And I feel like we’ve really sort of become friends.”

Lily nodded. “I feel the same way. But I think I know what you’re going to say and I need to stop you.”

James swallowed nervously. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” said Lily. “I’m just...it’s a really busy time of year. I have all this studying to do, and I need to focus on my exams.”

“Oh,” said James. “Sure, yeah, I understand.”

Lily seemed to be preparing herself for something. She took a deep breath, looked James straight in the face and said, “But when we get back from the Christmas holidays, would you maybe want to go to Hogsmeade with me?”

He must have blacked out. The shock was too great and it must have shorted out his brain circuits. The next thing James remembered was watching Lily levitate her books up the steps to the girls’ dormitories. He was fairly certain he’d said yes. He really hoped he’d said yes.

Just before she turned the corner, Lily looked back and gave him a little wave. 

He’d definitely said yes.

*******************

Sirius thought there was nothing quite as exhilarating as the Christmas holidays. They combined all the excitement of being finished with exams with the knowledge that you’d be back at Hogwarts in just a few weeks. Summer holidays had got more exciting in recent years, but Sirius used to consider them a prison sentence, forcing him to return to Grimmauld Place. Since starting at Hogwarts, he’d spent only one Christmas at Grimmauld Place. It had taken just one for him to realize that his entire family -- immediate and extended -- was going to give him constant, sustained shit for being sorted into Gryffindor. When James first invited him to Devonshire for Christmas, the choice had been easy to make. From then on it had been his tradition to spend Christmas with the Potters.

However, Sirius was basically the mascot for breaking tradition, so he was excited at the prospect of visiting what he’d taken to calling Lupin Manor.

“I really wish you’d stop calling it that,” Remus said one afternoon. “We haven’t got a big house or lots of land like James’ family.”

“I know, but you’re so dignified,” said Sirius, kissing Remus’ nose just to see him scrunch it up. “Your house could only be called a manor.”

As soon as Remus’ parents had sent word that Sirius was welcome to come for Christmas, Sirius had begun dragging details out of Remus. Apparently his parents lived in a cottage near Swansea, and you could easily walk to the sea. There was a charming city center and docks where you could watch boats coming and going. The cottage was small but comfortable, and Remus’ room was on the opposite side of the house from his parents’ room, which should help them avoid any awkward situations.

“Are they okay with us sharing a room?”

“Yes, I told you they know we’re together.”

“Are they okay with us sharing a bed?”

“I don’t know why we’d need to tell them that.”

“They might ask if I need a cot or something.”

“Everyone will just go to sleep at the end of the day, and no one will question who is in which bed.”

As he said this, Remus’ face went very red, and Sirius felt quite pleased with himself.

December flew past in a flurry of library dates and waiting up for Remus after his prefect duties were finished. Though Sirius snuck a peek or two at Remus’ class notes, he mostly spent his time getting Remus to take “study breaks.” This, of course, meant snogging, and he insisted that it was important for resting the brain. Remus seemed very willing to believe this fake fact, or at least willing to thoroughly test out its merits.

The morning after exams were finished, people began leaving for their holidays. Peter went back home to Sheffield, and James left for Devonshire. He gave Sirius a long hug and told him to have a good time at the Lupins’. He actually seemed a bit sad to be going home without Sirius, but he brightened up when Lily came to say goodbye. 

The fireplace in Professor McGonagall’s office had been hooked up to the Floo Network especially for students to go home for the holidays. A line of students stretched from her office door, down the corridor, and halfway down a nearby staircase. As they waited in line, Sirius couldn’t stop himself from bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Would you please stand still?” said Remus.

“The nervous energy has to go somewhere,” Sirius replied.

“What do you have to be nervous about? My parents know about us, they already love you, and exams are over.”

“I dunno, aren’t I supposed to be nervous when meeting your parents? It’s how things are done.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “It’s not as though you’re asking my hand in marriage.”

“You don’t know that,” said Sirius. “In fact, now you’ve ruined the surprise. I have my grandmother’s ring and I was going to wait for the perfect moment to offer it to you over the Christmas pudding. No, better yet, I was going to hide it in a cracker for you to find.”

“Suppose my father grabbed that cracker instead of me?”

“It would be a hilarious misunderstanding that would spice up the story we’d one day tell our grandchildren.”

Remus sighed. “Honestly, though. You’ve nothing to worry about. Just be calm.”

Sirius knew that Remus meant well, but being told to be calm had never really worked for him. 

As they approached the door to McGonagall’s office, Remus turned to Sirius. “Listen, when you use the Floo, say ‘Swansea Cottage.’”

“Swansea Cottage? Huh, I thought it’d be more distinctive.”

“Well, dad didn’t want us to be easy to find,” said Remus, looking down at his shoes.

“Ah,” said Sirius. Remus was so damn normal that it was easy to forget he’d been attacked as a child, and that his attacker was actually still at large.

“Hello Lupin, Black,” said Professor McGonagall as they entered the office. “Ready for your holidays, I see?”

“But of course,” said Sirius. “Keep the castle safe for us, will you?”

“I daresay it will be safer with you gone, Black.”

McGonagall always took this tone with Sirius, but Sirius knew she enjoyed his japes. He opened his mouth to say more, but Remus tugged on his sleeve, so he followed him to the fireplace.

Remus stepped in first, his rucksack slung over one shoulder. He nodded to Sirius, then said “Swansea Cottage” and threw down his handful of Floo Powder. When he’d disappeared, Sirius stepped into the fireplace, winked at McGonagall, and threw down his own handful of powder.

In a flurry of movement that matched the nervous swoop of Sirius’ stomach, he landed in the Lupins’ sitting room. As he stepped out of the fireplace, he saw Remus hugging his mum. Remus’ dad stepped forward with his hand outstretched. 

“Hello, Sirius,” he said, smiling widely. “We’re glad to have you.”

“Thank you,” said Sirius. “Remus told me about the jazz records, and I have to say I’m very excited.”

Lyall Lupin gave a hearty chuckle and shook his head. “Well, I hope they don’t disappoint.”

“Sirius, your hair is a veritable mane now,” said Remus’ mum, gathering him into a rather unexpected hug. She smelled of sage, which made Sirius feel at ease for some reason. 

“Haven’t had a chance to trim it and make myself presentable,” said Sirius, ruffling his hair self-consciously. 

“You look fine, just fine,” she said. “Would you like some tea? Remus told me you enjoy chamomile.”

Hope lead the way into the kitchen, and Lyall followed with Remus and Sirius bringing up the rear. Sirius glanced at Remus, who gave him a calm and easy smile. Remus was a fairly serene person, but this was a level of calm Sirius had never seen before. It was clear that he felt completely safe and relaxed in this cozy cottage with his parents. As the day wore on, Sirius could understand why. The atmosphere in the Lupin household was one of intelligent conversation, ready laughter, and incredible warmth. Within twenty minutes of arriving, Sirius found himself wishing that he’d had the opportunity to visit sooner.

“How’s the term going so far?” Lyall asked, once they’d all settled down at the small, round, wooden dining table near the stove.

“Not bad, except for Potions,” said Remus. “Before you ask, the same goes for my exams. I feel good about them all, except Potions.”

“It’s a tricky subject,” said Lyall, sipping his tea. “Can’t be mastered with some simple wand movements.”

Remus just barely held back an eyeroll. “Yes, yes, that’s what Slughorn says.”

“Have you finished _Frankenstein_ yet?” said Hope, setting a plate of biscuits on the table.

“Not yet,” said Remus. “I was too busy with exams.”

“What about you, Sirius?” said Lyall. “Is the term treating you well?”

Sirius shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I suppose.”

He desperately wished he had more to contribute to the conversation. But he had a feeling it would be uncouth to tell Hope and Lyall that he’d spent most of the term snogging their son. Still, Lyall asked him several more questions, politely avoiding the topic of his family. Hope asked what he liked to do for fun, and Sirius cast about for a hobby until Remus jumped in to remind him that he liked music. He could only hope that he’d become more interesting over the next few days, lest the Lupins think their son was dating a dolt. 

Sirius found it incredibly interesting to see the surroundings and the people who had made Remus into the young man he loved so dearly. Remus had Lyall’s nose and Hope’s smile. Though his father was English, Remus’ accent was all Welsh thanks to Hope. One entire wall of the sitting room was a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf bursting with wizarding and Muggle titles alike, so it was clear where Remus had got his love of reading. The ceilings of the cottage were a bit low in places, and Remus and his father had to stoop sometimes, but Hope and Sirius had no trouble. 

Most intriguing to Sirius was the mix of wizard culture and Muggle culture. They had two wireless sets, one that tuned in to wizarding channels and one that picked up Muggle channels. The cottage was much less drafty than one might expect, and Sirius suspected that was due more to a warming charm than the wood-burning stove or the fireplace. And -- most exciting of all -- a television sat in the corner of the sitting room. 

“It’s a bit like portraits, actually,” said Lyall, when he noticed Sirius staring. “Pictures of little people that move around. I was skeptical when Hope first introduced me to this contraption, but I must say I’ve grown rather fond of ‘Coronation Street.’”

“That’s a soap opera,” Remus explained. “All dramatic twists and people having affairs.”

“It’s more than that once you get to know the characters,” said Lyall, somewhat defensively.

Remus smiled cheekily at his dad, then turned to Sirius. “It’s a shame ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ isn’t on anymore. You’d enjoy that.”

“It sounds brilliant,” said Sirius. 

“Come on, let’s put your things in my room,” said Remus.

Just as he’d said, Remus’ room was down the hall from the sitting room, in an area all by itself. The doorway was small, but it opened into a light and airy space with a window on the far wall that provided a distant view of the sea. Books were stacked  _ everywhere _ , but other than that the room was as tidy as Sirius might expect. A desk stood below the window, a few teacups sat on the bedside table, and the sleeve of a sweater hung out of one drawer in the dresser.

“The ceilings were all low in here as well,” Remus explained, setting his rucksack on the floor. “But then I got taller and dad convinced mum to let him magically raise the roof. To be honest, I sort of liked the low ceilings.”

“But you’d have to stoop,” said Sirius. “Then you’d develop a hideous hump.”

Remus chuckled. “I suppose, but it was cozy. How are you? Still nervous? I’ve never seen you this quiet before.”

“I’m just taking it all in,” said Sirius. “Your parents are lovely. I feel like I want to study every square inch of your house. Is that...does that sound creepy?”

“Nah, I sort of understand what you mean,” said Remus. “I wish I could do the same with your house and your childhood bedroom.”

“Right. Do you like coming up against evil, dark objects?”

“No, I can see how that might not be very fun.” Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and just held him, his cheek resting against Sirius’ hair. “I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for coming.”

“Are you kidding? This is going to be an amazing Christmas.”

*******************

When Remus had invited Sirius for the holidays, he’d simply wanted to spend more time with him. Now he was discovering the small joys of seeing Sirius in a place that Remus knew so well. It was all new to Sirius, and Remus found it rather adorable that he lingered at the big bookshelf, head cocked sideways to read the spines. Or that he marveled at the way the hob worked and gazed out his bedroom window at the sea. 

Each night, they shared a cup of tea and biscuits with Remus’ parents and sat by the telly, which Sirius found endlessly fascinating. Hope liked to watch the BBC’s evening news broadcast, and Sirius was glued to their coverage. Remus knew that Sirius hadn’t had much exposure to the Muggle world, what with his parents being so horrible about everything, so he was always happy to answer questions. To his surprise, his dad stepped in when Sirius began asking questions about the news. As Lyall explained about the turmoil in Ireland, Remus noticed his mum gazing fondly at him. Perhaps one day he and Sirius would be like this, older and still gazing at each other in that way. 

Christmas was wonderful, as it always was. Hope made a very large turkey that she and Lyall would no doubt be feasting on well after Remus and Sirius had gone back to Hogwarts. She laid the table with their best things, including the red and green tablecloth that Remus associated with so many pleasant Christmases in the past. Hope and Lyall gave Remus a set of P.G. Wodehouse books, and they gave Sirius several pairs of thick, woolen socks.

“I’m so sorry,” said Hope, as soon as he’d opened the present. “We weren’t sure what to get you, but these are very warm.”

“They’re brilliant,” said Sirius, smiling at the Lupins. “The castle gets bloody cold this time of year, so these will be perfect.” 

Later on, Sirius surprised Remus with a lovely leatherbound journal. Remus gave him a book of crossword puzzles, which earned him a slightly confused look.

“Remember when you nicked my copy of the _Times_ at breakfast and finished the crossword for me?” he said. “I thought you might like to do some more. Besides that, it’s a good place for your nervous energy.”

“Thanks,” said Sirius, flipping through the book. “I might need your help with some of these.”

“Of course,” said Remus, kissing his cheek. 

Christmas Day came to a close with everyone in the sitting room, with some nonsense on the telly and Lyall snoring softly in his armchair. 

“Now,” said Hope. “Tomorrow is Boxing Day, so I don’t expect to see either of you at least until noon.”

“Boxing Day is for lie-ins,” Remus explained when Sirius glanced at him. “Mum is very adamant on this point.”

“Christmas is all fanfare and big feasts,” said Hope. “The day after should be about relaxation. That’s just the way I see it. We’ll get out of your hair now, boys.”

No matter how gently Hope nudged Lyall, he always woke with a start. Hope told him it was time for bed, and Lyall drowsily got up from his chair to follow her to the bedroom.

“Happy Christmas, boys,” he called as he walked down the hall.

“Dad always thinks he can stay up later than he actually can,” said Remus. “Shall we?”

As they lay in bed together, Remus felt the happiness of the holiday wash over him. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve such wonderful parents, such a loving home, such a beautiful boy to share his bed. Sirius was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. Remus turned onto his side, the better to look at him. He studied the pale skin of his bare chest, the black of his hair against the pillow. Finally, he thought, they were completely alone. James and Peter weren’t here, there were no other amorous teenagers clamoring for their private space. Here they could simply be with one another.

Remus reached out to touch Sirius’ thigh. In response, Sirius turned on his side and pulled Remus into a kiss. It wasn’t long before their hands were roaming, caressing, slipping under clothing. Remus relished the way Sirius gasped when he palmed his erection. They’d done this before, but it was usually up against a wall or leaning awkwardly on a desk. Being able to take their time and truly enjoy the experience made all the difference. Sirius jutted his hips forward a few times before maneuvering his hand between them to return the favor. They moved in tandem, hot breath mingling, too overcome to say anything. 

They finished quickly, probably too quickly, but they were still fairly new at the whole thing. What really mattered to Remus was the moment after, when Sirius was all smiles and sweet kisses. He snuggled up against Remus and kissed his bare shoulder. 

“I love it here,” he said. “Thank you for inviting me, thank you for letting me be a part of this.”

“Of course,” said Remus. “I...I want you to be a part of everything. I want to see you first thing in the morning and at the end of the day. This is absurd, I know. We’re so bloody young. But, fuck, I love you so much.”

Sirius pushed himself up on one elbow and gave Remus a watery smile. He tried to say something, but decided against it. Instead he leaned over and kissed him deeply, fingers curling into Remus’ hair. 

“You’re such a sap.”

Remus laughed nervously, trying to stem the tide of his own thoughts. Had he said too much? This was all too soon, what was he thinking? Then Sirius spoke and put his mind at ease, as he had so many times before.

“I’ve felt the same way for a while, and I don’t even know where it started. You might say, ‘I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.’”

Remus sat up suddenly and Sirius fell onto the bed. He pointed accusingly at him. “You fucker! You said you’d never read  _ Pride and Prejudice _ .”

Sirius, looking infuriatingly smug and sexy, simply shrugged. “I lied. I read it two years ago when you wouldn’t stop going on about it.”

“You know this just makes me love you more,” said Remus. “You’re the cause of all this sap.”

“I think I can handle a bit of sap,” said Sirius.

As he lay back down, with Sirius’ arms folded around him, Remus thanked his lucky stars for this moment and hoped there would be many more to come.


	3. 1977

_ 1977 - Fall _

“Sirius, it’s only been a few weeks,” Remus protested.

“Hush, it’s been a whole bloody month. I’ve missed you, and your cute little arse.”

Remus yelped as Sirius gave him a pinch. “I thought all those long mornings spent in bed would tide you over until we saw each other again.”

“You thought wrong,” said Sirius, kissing him soundly. “Let’s never spend another second apart.”

Though Remus was certain there would be a few seconds, even minutes, during which they couldn’t be in each other’s company, he decided not to argue the point. Instead he gave Sirius one more kiss and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Much tidier,” he said. “I approve.”

Sirius shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. “Mrs. Potter said I was beginning to look like a convict or something, and that I had to start off my seventh year on the right foot.”

“Wise woman,” said Remus. “Come on, let’s go find the others.”

It had been a whole year since Remus first kissed Sirius on the train platform. Now, as they made their way through the crowd of students, Sirius took Remus’ hand. Remus was surprised by the gesture, and it made him muse on how much closer they’d become. It had been very difficult to concentrate on school during the spring term. Somehow, Remus had found just enough studying time and had still been able to spend an obscene amount of time with Sirius. Needless to say, he had been grateful for the summer with its lack of pressures or deadlines.

Following Sirius’ very enjoyable visit to Swansea over Christmas, Remus proposed that he come home with him for the summer. Sirius agreed, with the stipulation that he had to return to the Potters’ house in August. Apparently James had returned from Christmas to report that his parents had sorely missed having Sirius around. Given that his own family was rubbish, Remus understood Sirius’ desire to spend time with a family that treated him well and had done for many years. 

The month of July, however, had belonged to them. For Remus, there was nothing better than being near the sea on a warm day, and he was excited to share that with Sirius. They’d strolled through the sand, dipped their toes into the freezing water, and spent time in the city center. Of course those adventures were balanced out by days in which they did nothing. They very often stayed in bed, chatting, making their way through Sirius’ book of crosswords, or enjoying more carnal pursuits. They became more acquainted with each other’s bodies than ever before. Remus desperately wanted to revisit some of those mornings, but he knew it would be far more difficult now that they’d be back in the Gryffindor dorms.

In August, when Sirius had left for Devonshire, Remus found himself surprisingly sad. At the start of the summer, he’d assumed that August would be a release from the obligation to be around another person. He’d always cherished his solitude, and part of him had been wary of spending an entire month with Sirius. But he truly felt Sirius’ absence during that final month of summer, and the depth of that feeling scared him. They’d plunged headfirst into this relationship, and suddenly Remus knew what it would feel like if that disappeared. It might rip his heart in two. 

When Remus and Sirius finally tracked down James, they found him standing with Lily Evans. The two were standing more closely together than Remus had ever seen. There was no doubt that something had happened between them way back on Halloween of the previous year, but James had been surprisingly tight-lipped about the whole affair. Remus had always assumed that if James somehow managed to get Lily Evans to go out with him, the news would be shouted from the nearest rooftop. 

“Did you get James to tell you anything?” he asked Sirius. 

“All he said was that they went on a few dates during the spring, which we already knew,” said Sirius. “He got letters from her all summer, though. I tried to steal one, just to see what they were talking about, but he guarded them pretty well.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Well, don’t try to steal other people’s mail, honestly.”

“You said to find out, so I was trying to find out,” said Sirius. 

“Yes, but if James is mad at us, he’ll never tell us what’s going on.”

“He has to tell us eventually.”

“He doesn’t have to do anything. Piss him off and he might keep it secret forever.”

“Or at least until the wedding,” said Sirius, winking. 

Until that moment, the idea of James and Lily getting married had seemed like a complete fantasy. But now, as Remus watched Lily laugh and touch James’ arm, he could imagine it happening. His brain was struggling to process that thought, but it was hard to dispute the evidence right in front of him. After a moment, he led Sirius across the platform to join them.

“Hi guys,” he said, announcing their arrival so that Lily and James would stop staring at each other like idiots. “James, how was your summer?”

“Erm, good,” said James, appearing quite put out by the interruption. “You?”

“Splendid,” said Remus. “I got lots of reading done once Sirius had gone to your place.”

Sirius scoffed. “As if books could be as pleasurable as my -- ow!”

Remus kept an amiable smile plastered to his face as Sirius socked him in the arm in retaliation for stomping on his foot. “Lily, how about you?”

“My summer was nice. Very relaxing,” said Lily, watching Sirius warily.

“Well, good,” said Remus, hands in his pockets. “I’m glad we all had good summers.”

They all stood silent for a moment until Sirius, tired of trying to exact revenge, said, “Where’s Peter?”

James simply pointed, and they all turned to find Peter engaged in some rather violent snogging with a girl who had bright yellow hair.

“Sheila Parkinson,” said James, before anyone could ask. “He wrote me about her over the summer. Apparently they met in the library at the end of last term and discovered they lived near each other. I’m betting they did a whole bunch of that over their summer holidays.”

“Lovely,” said Lily, with a sour expression on her face. “Seems as though he likes her. I, for one, avoid her like the plague because she insists on calling me a mudblood.”

No one knew quite what to say to this. Sirius glared in Peter’s general direction and James reached out to Lily, only to pull his hand back before she could notice. 

“I’ll have a talk with him,” he said, teeth gritted as he watched Peter and Sheila. 

“There’s no need for that,” said Lily. “Why should it matter to me who Peter Pettigrew snogs?”

“Well,” said James. “He’s...he’s my friend. I don’t want to be associated with someone who would snog someone who called you a dirty word.”

“A mudblood,” said Lily, resolutely. “No sense in hiding behind a taboo. People are called mudbloods every day at Hogwarts, and much worse happens to them out in the world.”

“I know, I read about it in the _Prophet_ ,” said James. “Why isn’t the Minister doing more?”

“Some think he’s doing too much,” said Lily. “Barty Crouch is pretty ruthless, and it’s always possible for committees like his to get out of hand.”

“The attacks are getting worse,” said Sirius, and everyone looked to him in surprise. He was still staring darkly in Peter’s direction. “I try to avoid the _Prophet_ if I can, but it’s hard to ignore when the headlines are talking about things your parents were talking about weeks earlier. At least, that’s how it was when I lived with them.”

Remus put his hand on Sirius’ back, rubbing gently. He could feel Sirius relax under his touch, but he knew it was only a temporary fix.

“They used to boast about this shit?” said James.

Sirius nodded. “I can only imagine how ecstatic they are now that things are escalating.”

Lily was looking at Sirius with a curious expression on her face, as though she’d never seen him in this light before. Remus supposed she hadn’t; to her, Sirius was simply the clown who operated alongside James Potter. 

“Sod them all,” said James, glancing over at Peter one last time. “Let’s find a compartment, eh?”

“Okay, well, I’m going to find Marlene,” said Lily. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” said James. “Erm, I’ll see you later?”

“Sure thing,” said Lily. 

Remus could practically see the thought process pinging between them as they stood there. Should they kiss? Was that what you did? Would it bother Remus and Sirius? James looked lovesick, practically leaning toward Lily like he was the bud of a flower seeking the sun. Lily bit her lip and seemed to make a decision.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later on,” she said. She turned to leave, began to pull her trolley away, and then turned back. “By the way, James and I are dating. I thought I should say something before you both explode with anticipation.”

As Lily strode away, James stood dumbstruck. Sirius jumped around like a maniac, proclaiming that he’d known something was going on and that it was all down to him. Remus simply smiled. Seventh year was clearly going to be different. 

***********************

After the feast, Dumbledore called a few sixth- and seventh-year students to his office, James and Lily among them. As soon as they entered his office, with Dumbledore standing in front of his desk looking proud, James knew why they were there. But he wasn’t sure why he, specifically, was there. 

“Students,” said Dumbledore, once everyone had filed inside. “Each of you has distinguished yourself as a leader in your house. You have gone beyond what is asked of you to help younger students and care for your classmates. Sixth years, I am proud to award you each the Prefect’s badge and all duties that come with it. Seventh years, I am delighted to announce you will each be Head Girl or Head Boy for your house.”

James watched as each student took in the news in their own way. Some of the sixth years just barely disguised groans, while others fought back happy tears. The new Hufflepuff Head Girl actually squealed with delight. Beside him, Lily was smiling from ear to ear. James was simply confused. What could he have done to earn this?

Dumbledore made his way around the room, pinning the appropriate badge on each student’s robe. He took his time, saying something to each student. James stood there sweating, imagining what Dumbledore could possibly say to him. When he finally stood in front of him, all crooked nose and half-moon spectacles, James decided to say something first.

“Professor,” he kept his voice low. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure that I deserve this. This seems like more of a Remus thing, to be quite honest.”

“I’d hoped that you would trust my judgment, Mr. Potter,” said Dumbledore. “Mr. Lupin was made a Prefect last year, and he has fulfilled his duties admirably. But I believe that you are the best student for the Head Boy position.”

“But, sorry, sir. Why? I’ve…” James trailed off, but he was thinking about all of the times he and Sirius had dyed Slytherins’ hair pink or added laxative potions to their pumpkin juice. The list of his pranks and mischief was basically infinite at this point. He was surprised when Dumbledore completed his sentence for him. 

“You’ve befriended students under extraordinary circumstances,” he said. “You’ve made people feel welcome when you could have easily turned your back. Not to mention, you saved the life of a student even though you are, to put it mildly, not the best of friends.”

Though Dumbledore was speaking softly, James knew that Lily heard what he said. She turned her head slightly to look at him, eyes wide. 

“You embody so many of Gryffindor’s finest qualities,” said Dumbledore. “I have no doubt you’ll make a wonderful Head Boy. And I believe you’ll go on to do great things.”

After this, Dumbledore winked, his eyes twinkling maddeningly. James hated when he did this -- he was always making cryptic remarks as though he knew your future. James didn’t even know what he was going to do after school, so how could Dumbledore possibly know? 

James studied the small, shield-shaped badge that now adorned his robes as he and Lily walked back to Gryffindor Tower. Dumbledore’s sentiments were nice, but James was still doubtful about his suitability for the job.

“Hey, what did Dumbledore mean?” said Lily, clearly trying to sound casual. “When he said that thing about you saving someone’s life?”

James groaned internally. He’d known Lily would ask about this, but he’d thought it might be tomorrow or a week from now. “I wish I could tell you, I really do. And I’m honestly not trying to be dramatic about it, but Dumbledore swore me to secrecy.”

“Huh, a man of mystery,” said Lily. “It was Severus, right?”

James decided that the best course of action was to remain silent. If Lily guessed the circumstances on her own, he wouldn’t be breaking his promise to Dumbledore. 

“It must have been,” she continued. “He always used to tell me there was something funny going on with you and your friends. Then suddenly, in fifth year, he stopped talking about it. Oh my God, did he find out about Remus?”

James’ reaction was one of pure instinct. He grabbed Lily’s arm and hauled her into the nearest empty classroom, slamming the door behind them. 

“Who the hell told you about Remus?” he said.

Lily gave him a patient smile. “The signs are there for anyone who wants to figure it out, James. The poor boy looks like he’s been in a fight with a beast every month. If you line up that information with readily available moon charts, it’s pretty simple.”

James had to admit that she was right, but they’d always relied on people not paying close enough attention. Of course Snape had always paid attention because he was unhealthily obsessed with them for some reason, but James should have known Lily was bright enough to notice. “Does anyone else know?”

“I don’t think so,” said Lily. “Or, rather, I didn’t think so, until just now. God, what did Severus do?”

James gritted his teeth and stared up at the ceiling. Perhaps if he waited long enough, Lily would put the pieces together on her own. Then they could stop talking about this and get on with their lives. When he glanced back down at Lily, she was staring at him in disbelief.

“Oh, James,” she said, her voice low. “Holy shit.”

“We should get back. Let’s just go, please,” said James, walking toward the door.

“I would have sworn on Merlin’s grave that you’d happily let Severus die,” said Lily.

“It wasn’t about Snape,” said James, his hand on the doorknob. “It was about Remus.”

Lily was quiet for far too long, and when James glanced back at her, she was studying him carefully. Eventually she nodded and smiled at him -- it was a fond smile that made James feel incredibly warm inside. A mere three years earlier, when he’d been an idiot child, James had spent a lot of time fantasizing about being trapped in an empty classroom with Lily Evans. He never would have imagined that this fond smile would be enough, but it was all he wanted just then.

***********************

It seemed to James that every time he saw Peter, he was with Sheila. Peter started staying out late, allegedly studying with Sheila in the library. He ate breakfast extremely quickly, and then left the Great Hall with Sheila in tow. In short, Peter was never around anymore and it made James feel odd. Without Peter, and with Remus and Sirius paired off as they were, there almost seemed to be no reason for group activities. James still saw all of his friends, but he didn’t see them all together anymore. 

James considered himself a problem solver. Up until now, his problems had mainly been Snape’s existence and assholes who made fun of his friends. Those problems could be solved easily with charms that dyed hair, charms that made people smell funny, and a myriad other charms familiar to the prank connoisseur. The problem of his friends drifting apart was going to require something far more robust.

“Sirius, I’ve lost my lucky quill.”

Sirius looked up at him, blinked twice, and then went back to his toast.

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Yeah,” said Sirius. “And I decided to keep eating my breakfast because you don’t have a lucky quill.”

“What are you...how can you...do you even know me?” James sputtered. “Of course I have a lucky quill. Anyway, I _did_ have a lucky quill. I was kind of hoping you guys could help me find it.”

Sirius gave a long-suffering sigh that reminded James so strongly of Remus it was scary. “Where did you last see it?”

“The Common Room,” said James. “Or maybe the dorm. Listen, it would really help me out if you guys could just stick around Gryffindor Tower tonight and help me look.”

Sirius took another bite of toast and seemed to weigh this invitation. “Okay, I guess.”

“Great,” said James, clapping him on the back. “You tell Remus, all right? I’ll tell Peter, and I’ll see you all tonight.”

“Well, I’ll see you in Potions,” said Sirius. “But yeah, I’ll see you tonight.”

If anything, Peter was even less interested in James’ fake problem than Sirius, but James chose to have faith in his friends. That faith, however, did nothing to sustain him as he sat in the Common Room alone after dinner that evening. He glanced up every time the portrait hole opened, but it was never one of his friends. Finally, around nine o’clock, James stormed up the dorm to find his friends on the map. 

Remus and Sirius were clearly too preoccupied to confront just then. James could see their two dots on the map, so close together they were practically on top of each other. Oh God, they probably were on top of each other. James folded up the map, thought very hard about Quidditch and not at all about his friends shagging each other, and went to find Peter.

James heard Peter’s laugh around a corner near the kitchens before he even saw him. He stopped, flattened himself against the wall, and listened. 

“He let her into the Slug Club,” said a voice that James didn’t recognize. “What even gives her the right to join? What does the Slug Club even mean if mudbloods can join?”

James didn’t need to hear a name to know they were talking about Lily. Slughorn had invited her into his annoying, exclusive club because of her Potions prowess. She hated the club’s gatherings, but she knew that Slughorn could give her a good reference for St. Mungo’s. 

“When you think about it,” said another, drawling voice that James knew belonged to Evan Rosier. “What does Hogwarts even mean if mudbloods can join?”

“My mum says the day is coming when Hogwarts will be pure again,” said a girl, who James thought might have been Sheila. “We just need to get Dumbledore out of the way first.”

James’ heart was beating fast, his hands sweaty as he fumbled in his pockets for his Head Boy badge. Why was Peter hanging around these horrible people? When had these opinions snaked their way into Hogwarts? Had they always been there? Perhaps James simply hadn’t noticed them until now. He pinned his badge to his robes, took a deep breath, and stepped out into the hallway where at least a dozen Slytherins were gathered. Peter was standing at the far end of the group with his arm around Sheila. He stepped away from her when he saw James. 

“It’s past curfew,” said James. “You should all be back in the Slytherin Dungeon. Peter, let’s get back to Gryffindor Tower.”

At first, no one moved, and James actually began to worry that they might curse him. But then Peter stepped around the edge of the group toward James and the Slytherins began to disperse. James watched them saunter away, one hand on his wand just in case. Peter sidled up to him, hands in his pockets.

“We were just talking,” said Peter. “We’ve been out past curfew with Remus and Sirius loads of times.”

“Why were you with them?” said James. “They were saying horrible things about Lily.”

“They’re Sheila’s friends,” said Peter. “We were snogging in the library, and then she said she wanted to meet up with some friends. I just came along with her, that’s all.”

James wanted to berate him for laughing at whatever they’d been saying before he arrived, but he was afraid it would sound like an irrational accusation. After all, could he really prove that had been Peter laughing? Perhaps he really was just tagging along with Sheila. 

“Pete,” he said. “Doesn’t it bother you that Sheila has friends like that? I mean, how would you like it if I was friends with someone who made fun of you?”

“You are,” said Peter. “You’re friends with Sirius.”

James swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “I...Sirius doesn’t make fun of you, that’s just the way he is. He makes those kinds of remarks about everyone.”

“Mostly about me, though,” said Peter. “He doesn’t make them about you or Remus.”

“Well, maybe,” said James, feeling very uncomfortable. “I’ll have a word with him about it, okay? You’re right, he shouldn’t make fun of you.”

“Wish you’d had a word with him about four years ago,” said Peter, chuckling.

“Right,” said James. “Erm, I’m really sorry, Pete. Let’s just...shall we go back to the Common Room?”

“Sure thing, Prongs,” said Peter. “Let’s see if we can find that quill of yours.”

***********************

“Well, that’s that,” said Sirius one morning at breakfast. “The one member of the Black family who felt any good will toward me has kicked the can.”

“Oh, no,” said Remus, setting down his cup of tea. “Uncle Alphard?”

“Yes, I’m sad to say.” Sirius folded the letter he’d been reading and set it beside his breakfast plate. The toast that lay there seemed wholly unpalatable now. He took a sip of pumpkin juice to have something to do. 

“Will there be a service?” Remus asked.

“Erm.” Sirius unfolded the letter and gave it a quick second read. “Yup, there’s a memorial next week. I suppose I should go since no one else with the surname Black will show up. There’s a will reading the day after the memorial, and apparently I have to go to that.”

“Right,” said Remus. “You should speak to McGonagall about that, I’m sure she’ll let you go back to London for the week.”

“Haven’t been to London in a while now,” said Sirius.

Aside from several random hours spent at King’s Cross waiting for the train to Hogwarts, Sirius hadn’t seen the city of his birth in over a year. On the day he stormed away from Grimmauld Place, he hadn’t thought about being away from London for so long. He hadn’t thought about a lot of things on that day. Sometimes he still thought about his childhood bedroom and wondered if his parents had snooped around, burned most of his possessions, or perhaps snapped his David Bowie records in two. Perhaps if he swallowed his pride and darkened that doorstep again, his parents might let him take a few things. But he didn’t feel like swallowing his pride.

Remus reached across the table to touch Sirius’ hand. “Do you want me to come with you?”

It was a tempting offer, and it was kind of Remus to make it. But Sirius wasn’t sure how he’d react to (a) being back in London, and (b) attending a memorial for the uncle who’d been kind to him. He felt this was something he needed to do on his own. Besides, he knew that Remus had heaps of studying to do, and there was no sense in dragging him away from that.

Professor McGonagall only hesitated for a moment before granting Sirius permission to return to London for the memorial. Sirius almost never talked about his home situation, but everyone seemed to know about it anyway. He supposed word about his parents traveled, and it was clear to anyone who paid attention that Sirius was nothing like his brother. Though he appreciated not having to spread the word himself, Sirius found the compassionate smile McGonagall gave him a bit humiliating rather than comforting. 

Later that week, as Sirius was contemplating what he needed to bring to London, Remus returned from his nightly Prefect rounds. He came up behind Sirius and gave him an unexpected hug, his arms wrapped around Sirius’ middle. 

“What’s this?” said Sirius, smiling at the way Remus pressed his nose against his neck. 

“Please be careful in London,” said Remus.

“I will,” said Sirius. “Why so protective all of a sudden?”

“Lily just told me about some horrible attack in the city,” said Remus. “I just want you to be careful, okay?”

Sirius turned around and was surprised to see such a worried expression on Remus’ face. “You know I can take care of myself.”

Remus nodded. “Things just seem to be getting a lot worse. Be on your guard, all right?”

“I will,” said Sirius. “I promise.”

Remus bit his lip as he considered Sirius for a moment longer. Then he nodded briskly and looked past him at the bed strewn with clothing and various other items.

“Do you want some help packing?” he asked. 

“Yes.”

“Do you want to borrow my rucksack?”

“Yes.”

“Are you just going to tackle me onto the bed as soon as I start helping you pack?”

Sirius grinned. “Yes.”

Remus tried to look annoyed, but the smile trying to break through was too powerful. “Let’s get that over with then, shall we?”

***********************

Remus tried not to worry while Sirius was away, but there were new and frightening headlines each day that put terrible ideas into his head. A half-blood wizard was attacked in Diagon Alley for no apparent reason. Someone was cursed outside of Gringott’s. Each time he expressed surprise at these goings-on, Lily told him that they weren’t new and he just hadn’t been paying attention. Remus felt like a fool for not realizing the direction of the world. What had he been doing? Why hadn’t he seen?

On the last day of September, in an attempt to clear his head and enjoy perhaps the last semi-warm day of the year, Remus walked up to the Astronomy Tower at night. Sirius was due back from London, so Remus made sure that James knew where he would be. He loved spending time in the Tower because it gave him a bird’s-eye view of the Hogwarts grounds. Sometimes that helped him get a bird’s-eye view of his own thoughts and problems. 

Remus couldn’t stop thinking about a photo he’d seen on that morning’s issue of the _Prophet._ It showed a woman being struck by a curse as her children looked on. The article had explicitly mentioned that the woman was Muggle-born, but it hadn’t even suggested that might be the reason for the attack. The article barely mentioned the attacker, and the only witness hinted that the woman might have provoked the attack.

Though he didn’t know what all of this might mean for himself, Remus felt it would be unavoidable once he left Hogwarts. He knew the seven years he’d spent in the cloistered, safe environment of the castle had not prepared him for the outside world. Here his condition was kept secret and provisions were made for him to transform safely. He’d tried to avoid thinking about the Werewolf Registry, but it loomed like a big “unemployable” stamp ready to be placed on his forehead. If Muggle-borns were being attacked in the streets, how would werewolves be treated?

Melancholy had begun to set in when Remus heard someone calling his name. He turned to find Sirius creeping around the Tower, squinting to find him in the darkness.

“I’m over here,” he said. “Did you just get back?”

“Yeah, literally minutes ago,” said Sirius, setting Remus’ rucksack on the ground. He was dressed in Muggle clothing -- a pair of jeans, a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and a leather jacket. Remus had seen this outfit before, but it never failed to impress him. “James told me where you were.”

Remus strode across the tower to close the space between them. Sirius kissed him, and it was a gesture full of longing and something Remus couldn’t quite place. When they pulled back, Remus stroked his thumb along Sirius’ jaw, catching at the stubble there.

“I’m glad you’re all right,” he said. “How did it go?”

“It was sad,” said Sirius. “There were actually a lot of people at the memorial, just not from the Black family, and they all told these great stories about him. Oh, and I got to see my cousin Andromeda. She married a Muggle-born, and she’s got this adorable little girl whose hair changes color.”

“I’m sorry?” said Remus, chuckling. 

“She’s a Metamorphmagus,” Sirius explained. “Andromeda is awesome, and so is her husband Ted. Glad to see there’s another black sheep in the family.”

“That’s good,” said Remus. “It sounds like it wasn’t all sad.”

“Yeah,” said Sirius. “Then, of course, there was the will reading.”

“Right,” said Remus. He hadn’t wanted to bring it up unless Sirius did first. 

“Yeah,” said Sirius, rubbing his chin. “Erm. He left me a lot of money.”

“Really?”

“Yup, yup.” Sirius nodded his head and stared past Remus, out at the forest and the lake. “An absurd amount of money. I’d sort of been expecting destitution after graduation, and I guess that’s not going to happen.”

Remus swallowed and looked down at his shoes. It felt like an odd confluence of events that he’d been thinking about his post-graduation unemployability just before Sirius told him this. 

“So, listen, I have some news,” said Sirius.

Remus glanced back up at him. “More news than an absurd amount of money?”

“I bought a flat.”

That was definitely more news. “Wow. Erm. Why? Where?”

“It’s in Soho, above an Indian restaurant. And I bought it because I want us to have somewhere to live after school.”

Remus blinked, certain that he’d misheard Sirius. He opened his mouth a few times but couldn’t seem to decide on what to say. Finally, Sirius interrupted him. 

“I’ve thought about this a lot, but I didn’t think I’d have Uncle Alphard’s inheritance so soon. I probably should have discussed this with you, but I was in London and I just wanted to do it. So much about the future feels wobbly, so I wanted to have something secure. For both of us.”

Remus actually felt like crying. The manners that his parents had instilled in him insisted that he must refuse this offer. But the thought that Sirius actually _wanted_ to live with him after they graduated, and that he’d already made the grand gesture of buying a place, overwhelmed all his other instincts. 

“This is...Sirius, I really don’t know what to say. As you can probably tell.”

Sirius smiled at him and moved in close, arms snaking around his waist. “That’s because you’re trying to hold back the waffle, right? This would be the perfect time for some waffling. But listen, I know what you’d say. You’re going to say that this is charity, and that you can’t possibly accept. But are you saying that because you feel like you have to, or because you actually don’t want to live with me?”

Remus was silent. He wasn’t sure when or how it had happened, but Sirius had figured him out. He could read him like a bloody book, the arsehole.

“That’s what I thought,” said Sirius. “So, listen. It’s done. I have the place and I want us to live together after Hogwarts. The only reason I’m doing this is because I love you. I promise, it’s the only reason.”

Again, Remus cursed Sirius for preempting all of his concerns. It was true that he didn’t want charity and wouldn’t want Sirius to go out of his way to help him out financially because he felt like he had to take care of him. 

Remus stared at Sirius, and Sirius held his gaze, daring him to poke holes in this offer. If he tried, Remus probably could, but he found that he didn’t really want to. He fought back the gremlins of self-doubt that liked to hold mutinies in his head, just as he had done when his friends had wanted to be his friends even after they found out. The gremlins were strong, but Remus didn’t want them to take away something that could be so great. 

“Okay,” he said softly. 

“You sure?” said Sirius. “Because you don’t  _ have  _ to live with me. Only if you really want to.”

Remus chuckled and looped his arms around Sirius’ neck. “I want to, honest. You’ve just surprised me, that’s all. Am I that easy to figure out?”

Sirius smirked at him. “Only certain parts. Don’t worry, you’re still an enigma.”

“Not to you,” said Remus. “Thanks for understanding me.”

Sirius leaned in to kiss him, and this time Remus understood the unknown element there. It was a deep conviction, a feeling that Sirius was pouring his heart into the kiss. Remus understood that it meant Sirius wanted this to work, that this wasn’t just a lark for him. It surprised Remus because, as much as Sirius said he loved him, the self-doubt always crept in. This was unmistakable, though -- the way Sirius grasped at the back of his shirt and kissed him so hungrily, the small sound made at the back of his throat. Remus wasn’t sure his kisses conveyed the same feeling, so he decided to use words.

“I don’t know if I’ve made this clear,” he said, breathless, their foreheads pressed together. “But I’m quite mad about you.”

Sirius laughed as he breathed out and kissed the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Glad to hear it, because we need to start picking out curtains. Perhaps china patterns as well.”

“I think I can be of some help there,” said Remus.

“Oh,” said Sirius. “Also, I bought a motorbike.”

***********************

Although Remus had seen Peter with his new girlfriend at King’s Cross, he’d been surprised when James told him about finding Peter with a group of Slytherins out past curfew. It just seemed so out of character; if Peter was going to splinter from their group, Remus assumed he would flock to the Hufflepuffs. After all, he’d participated in all of their pranks on the Slytherins over the years. Why would he want to hang around them now? But he supposed that love -- or, rather, lust -- had a strong pull.

One night in October, Remus was making his Prefect rounds alone. On a normal evening, Sirius, James, or even Lily would have been with him. But Lily was making her rounds elsewhere in the castle, James had the night off for Quidditch practice, and Sirius was in bed with a cold that was far less severe than he was making it out to be. Remus had tried to shame him into coming with, but Sirius had wailed and moaned so much that he’d simply left. When Sirius was that intent on dramatics, even Remus couldn’t convince him to let up. 

At the very start of his rounds, close to the beginning of curfew, Remus came upon a few younger Hufflepuff students who appeared lost. He gently pointed them toward their Common Room near the kitchens. Then came a group of Ravenclaws taking their time returning from the library. He’d simply nodded to them because he could see they were heading back toward the Tower. Of course, there were couples entwined in various areas of the castle. Remus was never too harsh with them. His guilt about the abundance of on-duty snogging he’d done last year was too fresh.

The night was uneventful until the very end of his rounds, as he was considering knocking off early to spend more time with Sirius and his stuffy nose. He rounded a corner and found himself face to face with Rodolphus Lestrange. 

“Thought I heard something skittering around the hallways,” he said, sneering at Remus. “What are you doing out so late, half-blood?”

“I’m making my rounds,” said Remus, refusing to rise to the bait. “In fact, I have more right to be in this corridor right now than you do. You should get back to your Common Room.”

“Not sure I feel like taking orders from you,” said Rodolphus.

“I’m not giving you orders, I’m simply telling you the rules,” said Remus. “Curfew was quite a while ago.”

“You’re right, it was,” said Rodolphus. “Not many people around now, eh?”

Remus hadn’t felt afraid until just then. The hallways were all deserted now, and Rodolphus Lestrange was a big enough asshole to run into on his own. But then Remus noticed Sirius’ cousin Bellatrix standing behind him, flanked by several of their nasty friends. Remus recognized Avery and Mulciber because he’d once helped James and Sirius curse their pants to grow gradually tighter throughout the day until they were waddling back to the dungeons after dinner. To his great surprise, Peter and Sheila were standing next to them. Remus frowned at him, but Peter wouldn’t meet his eye. 

“I was just looking for my friend, actually,” said Remus, clearing his throat loudly. “Pete, come on, let’s get back to the Tower.”

“Peter’s hanging out with us,” said Sheila, clinging to Peter’s arm. “Why would he want to go with you?”

“Actually I think I will head back now,” said Peter, finally looking up at Remus. Peter looked most like his Animagus form when he was afraid, and right now he looked very rat-like. 

“You’d all do well to get back to the dungeons,” said Remus, waving Peter to him. 

“Oh, we’ll be sure to do that,” said Rodolphus, putting on a simpering tone to mock him. “Wouldn’t want to get caught by Dumbledore, now would we? That old bastard will only bend the rules for you if you’re a filthy Mudblood...or worse.”

It was a good thing, Remus thought, that he had years of practice in keeping his emotions off his face. He knew Rodolphus was likely just throwing his weight around and making false accusations, but what if he did know? What if he’d worked out what Remus was, and he’d told all of his friends, and now they were going to curse him into oblivion right there in the corridor? 

But then Rodolphus turned on his heel and his friends followed him down the corridor. Sheila kissed Peter on the cheek before prancing off behind the group. Bellatrix looked back at them, a wicked glint in her eye, and cackled as she followed Rodolphus. Peter shuffled over to Remus, looking half ashamed and half scared to death. 

With the Slytherins gone, Remus let out a breath he’d been holding and ran his fingers through his hair. “Bloody hell. Why were you with  _ them _ ?”

“I was with Sheila, and they all just showed up,” said Peter. “God, I’m glad you came by.”

“Indeed. This keeps happening, eh? James said he found you with a group of her friends a few weeks ago.”

Peter shrugged. “That was fine, none of them were scary. Have you ever talked to Bellatrix? She’s bloody terrifying.”

“Indeed,” said Remus, glancing over his shoulder to make sure they were all gone. “So, you, er, you really like her, then? Sheila?”

“She’s nice,” said Peter. “We had a nice time over the summer. It’s about bloody time I got a girlfriend, right?”

Remus frowned. That sounded like something Sirius probably said to Peter back in fifth year. He wanted to blame that on Sirius being all jumbled up and confused about himself, but he’d never been very nice to Peter.

“Don’t feel like you need to rush into anything,” said Remus. “You’ve got loads of time to find someone you like.”

“Yeah, but everyone’s got someone now,” said Peter. “You’ve got Sirius, and now James has got Lily, apparently.”

“I know things are changing,” said Remus. “But we’re still your friends. I can’t say we’d ever get along with Rodolphus Lestrange, but perhaps we could get to know Sheila if you like her so much.”

“Maybe. I dunno,” said Peter. “Why are you so concerned about me all of a sudden?”

“I guess I’m just surprised you can stand being around her friends. You don’t believe those things they were saying. Do you?”

Peter shook his head. “Of course not. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like Sheila.”

Remus was surprised that Peter was able to square the fact of the Slytherins’ beliefs with his affection for Sheila. Luckily James and Sirius were not the assholes their pure blood lineage entitled them to be. He remembered Sirius saying something about half-bloods in their first year, but James had called him out on it immediately, and Sirius had come an extremely long way from his upbringing. Remus doubted whether Peter could change Sheila’s mind on the topic of blood purity. 


	4. 1978

_1978 - Spring & Summer _

Sirius stood at the edge of the lake and watched as one of the giant squid’s tentacles arced up past the sky and slid back under the water. It felt like yesterday that he’d sat here in his third year, skipping stones with James to try to make the squid appear. So much and so little had happened between then and now. He’d been a foolish boy, passing what felt like endless time with his best friend. Now he was a foolish young man, staring out at the lake as though it represented the vast post-Hogwarts world he was about to enter. The possibilities were endless, but that felt frightening instead of exciting.

Sirius was knocked out of his reverie when James’ arm came to rest along his shoulders.

“Everyone’s looking for you,” he said. “You okay?”

Sirius nodded. “Just thinking.”

“That’s a dangerous game,” said James.

“D’you remember all those times we thought we’d get expelled? There were so many times we were sat in McGonagall’s office, and all I could think was that I’d never see graduation day. In that moment it felt so real, and I was actually convinced I’d never get here.”

“I know what you mean,” said James. “It’s weird to think we’ll never be back here again.”

“Never say never,” said Sirius. “I’m still convinced Moony will become a professor. Then I’ll get to visit him here at Christmas and scandalize all the children.”

“You have to carry on your legacy somehow,” said James. “How else will generations of Hogwarts students know how rebellious you are?”

“That’s easy,” said Sirius. “Your little, red-headed children will tell all their friends about their crazy Uncle Sirius.”

“Don’t joke,” said James, in an unidentifiable tone. “Come on, we’d better get back.”

James started walking up the hill, but Sirius couldn’t seem to make his feet move. Even if he did get to come back one day, everything would be different. New generations of students would swoop in and make new connections, scrubbing away the memories Sirius had made here with his friends. The dormitory would become their dormitory, and Sirius’ connection to this time would become tenuous. He had no doubts about them all remaining friends, but their friendship would evolve into something different. Romantic relationships would intrude, as they already had. In the wide world, it would be more difficult to keep track of each other than it had been in the perfect microcosm of Hogwarts. This time had been so special, and Sirius wished he could preserve it in amber somehow, to revisit whenever he wanted.

“Come on, Padfoot,” James called to him. “You’re going to miss your actual graduation.”

Sirius turned to him. “I love you. I just want you to know that.”

James gave him a small smile and came back down the hill to engulf him in a hug. “I love you too, you idiot.”

“I can never repay you for what you’ve done for me,” Sirius said, his words slightly muffled as he leaned against James’ shoulder.

“I didn’t do it so you’d repay me,” said James.

“I know, I know. It’s just...you’ve been...and this was all,” Sirius spluttered, unable to stop the tears from coming.

James sighed in his ear and patted his back. “I knew someone would end up blubbering today. If I’m honest, my money would have been on you.”

Sirius laughed and pulled away, wiping at his eyes. “Sorry. Big day.”

James nodded, and Sirius could swear his eyes looked a bit misty as well. “Anyway, come on. The quicker we get this over with the quicker the drinking can begin.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

“That’s the idea, yes.”

Back on the front lawn of the castle, James and Sirius joined the rest of their Gryffindor classmates, everyone dressed in their best robes. Lily had done something complicated and lovely with her hair, and Sirius watched as James leaned in to kiss her. Peter had slicked back his hair with some of the Sleekeazy’s that James had already decided to leave in their dorm for the next group. Remus looked like himself, just with slightly nicer robes. Sirius stood beside him and felt something rise in his chest when Remus took his hand.

The ceremony was fine. Dumbledore gave some cryptic speech at the end like he always did, implying this class’ importance in the wider world and the difference they were all sure to make. Sirius wanted to find meaning in the speech, but he felt preoccupied by the weight of Remus’ hand in his own, and the feeling of standing with his friends in this place for the final time.

Remus held fast to his hand throughout the entire ceremony, letting go only when it was time to applaud their fellow graduates. When Dumbledore dismissed them for the final time, Remus looked to Sirius and said, “Come with me.”

To Sirius’ surprise, Remus led him down to the lake. He’d been quiet all day, leaving Sirius to assume what he might be feeling about their final day at Hogwarts. They had grown so close, and Remus had let down many of his barriers, but there were still some days when Sirius couldn’t reach him.

“Are you ready?” he asked, studying Remus’ profile.

“Ready for what?”

“I dunno. Whatever’s next. What do you think is next?”

Remus smiled wryly. “I don’t know, but I don’t think it’ll be easy.”

“I’ll do what I can to make it easier,” said Sirius. “I promise.”

Remus sighed, and Sirius could tell that he wanted to argue with him. But then his shoulders slumped and he stepped forward to put his arms around Sirius. They stayed like that for a long time, pulling apart only far enough to allow them to kiss. Sirius felt a new fierceness in the way Remus gripped his hair and held him close. He’d never known Remus to cry, but perhaps this was how he let those feelings out.

“Hogwarts has been my home for so long,” said Remus, his voice close and hushed next to Sirius’ ear. “It’s been a difficult day saying goodbye to it. Thank you for not asking how I was.”

Sirius rubbed his back and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I know, I think it’s been difficult for all of us. I swear Prongs almost cried earlier today.”

Remus chuckled. “I think the last time he cried was when Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup a few years back.”

“Ah, yes,” said Sirius. “What will ol’ James do each year without the inter-house Quidditch tournament to cheer for and fret over?”

“I think that’ll be solved once he has a brood of tiny, red-headed children he can teach to play Quidditch.”

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “I just said that to him! We should start putting down bets. I give them four months, what d’you reckon?”

Suddenly Remus cleared his throat and pulled back from Sirius. Sirius gave him a quizzical look, then turned to see what Remus was staring at. Albus Dumbledore himself was standing halfway between the edge of the lake and the top of the hill behind them. Sirius had never had occasion to wonder about Dumbledore’s opinion of gay people, but now that he saw the slight twinkle in his eye as he gazed down at them, he knew.

“My apologies for intruding,” he said. “I wanted to speak with you both, and your friend Mr. Pettigrew pointed me in this direction.”

“What did you want to talk about?” Remus asked. All trace of emotion was gone from his voice now, and he’d taken on a sort of professional stance. Sirius was never sure how to act around Dumbledore, so he mimicked Remus now.

“I wanted to approach you with an opportunity to make a great deal of difference in the world,” said Dumbledore. “As I’m sure you’ve seen, there are more attacks each day, and these attacks are not new. The _Prophet_ hasn’t said this outright, but I know for a fact that Lord Voldemort and his followers are behind these attacks.”

Sirius couldn’t help but flinch at the name he’d heard mentioned in his parents’ house so often, but Remus remained purposefully straight-faced.

“I’d like to give you the opportunity to fight against Voldemort and his Death Eaters,” Dumbledore continued. “I realize that I don’t know your stated opinions on the matter, but I’m making an educated guess that you are opposed to Voldemort and his attitudes toward the world.”

“Absolutely,” said Remus, and Sirius nodded his head.

Dumbledore smiled and nodded back at them. “For a while now, I’ve been putting together a group because we need to fight back, and the Ministry’s efforts are simply not enough. Gideon and Fabian Prewett joined when they graduated last year, and I’ve already spoken to Ms. Evans and Mr. Potter about joining.”

“What did they say?” Remus asked.

“They have not given me a definitive answer, rather understandably,” said Dumbledore. “‘I’m sure that you will also need time to consider this offer. It may come as a bit of a surprise, and I know that you may already have post-graduation plans. But I would very much value your skill and your passion in our fight.”

“Surely there are more qualified wizards,” said Sirius. “Why are you asking us?”

“There may be more qualified wizards, Mr. Black,” said Dumbledore. “But many of those individuals already work within the ministry, or they have been recruited for the other side. You have all performed admirably at Hogwarts, and I believe I can recognize true talent when I see it.”

Sirius didn’t know how to respond, and he was surprised when Remus began to say,  “Well, I suppose we could --”

Sirius grabbed his arm and interrupted him. “We’ll certainly consider it, Professor. Thank you for the offer.”

Dumbledore looked from Sirius to Remus, something unknowable behind that inscrutable face. Then he nodded to them both, and turned to climb the hill back to Hogwarts.

“Why didn’t you want to say yes?” Remus asked him.

Sirius stared at the spot where Dumbledore had stood. “I think we should talk this over with James and Lily, see what they think.”

“I don’t know what there is to discuss,” said Remus. “We’d certainly be fighting for the right side.”

“I know, of course,” said Sirius, his hand still on Remus’ arm. “I just think we need to know what we’re getting into.”

***********************

Six weeks after graduating from Hogwarts, Sirius and his friends were officially inducted into the Order of the Phoenix, which turned out to be the name of Dumbledore’s resistance group.

For just one month, they lived in limbo between school and more grown-up responsibilities. After discussing Dumbledore’s offer with James, Lily, and Peter, they had all decided to wait on it. James and Lily had gone on holiday together to the Lake District. Sirius had gone with Remus to Wales, and then they’d spent several weeks in the London flat. They did nothing but sleep, eat, have sex, and wander around Soho.

Sirius put some more of Uncle Alphard’s money into populating the new flat with furniture. The first purchase was obviously a bed, but soon they had a couch and a dining table with enough chairs to have their friends over. Sirius bought groceries and Remus cooked their meals using recipes he’d learned from his mother. In the evenings, they listened to the wireless while Remus read and Sirius played with his hair. Sometimes Sirius convinced Remus to get up and dance with him. When the full moon came around, they apparated to a forested area of Wales that Remus was familiar with from his childhood.

Though he considered this utter bliss, Sirius knew they couldn’t live this way forever. He knew Remus would want to find a job, and he would eventually go stir crazy from sitting around the flat all day. Real life would creep in, and they would need to leave this quasi summer holiday behind. But that didn’t mean they had to get involved in the war Dumbledore seemed to keen on fighting.

Sirius was beginning to settle on a “no” in response to Dumbledore’s offer when Death Eaters attacked the Potters’ house in Devonshire.

In the middle of an August night, Death Eaters apparated into the woodlands around the Potters’ home. They blasted their way in through the front door, intent on finding either James or his parents. Dumbledore assumed they were coming to recruit James to their cause. The Potters themselves were on holiday in France when the attack occurred, so the Death Eaters invaded an empty house. Enraged by this, they traveled to the nearest village and murdered three Muggle families while they slept.

“After the brutal attacks, they returned to your parents’ house and left the Dark Mark above it,” Dumbledore explained. “This is Lord Voldemort’s symbol, which his followers typically cast over their crime scenes. There is no doubt this attack was carried out by Death Eaters.”

They had each received an owl from Dumbledore as soon as he’d learned of the attack. He told them to apparate to Hogsmeade, where they were met by a man who looked quite a bit like Dumbledore himself, and who led them to his tavern, the Hog’s Head. Everyone was dressed in their pajamas, and it felt as though they’d been summoned to Dumbledore’s office after a rowdy Gryffindor party.

“I can’t believe they would come after my parents,” said James, head in his hands.

“They were coming after you. Clearly they also know what a gifted wizard you are, and they would like you to join their side.”

“Those poor Muggles.” James shook his head, staring into the middle distance. “What did they do to deserve this?”

“They were Muggles, and they were nearby,” said Dumbledore. “Now you see how ruthless the Death Eaters can be. Alas, I feared something like this would happen.”

“What?” said James. “You knew they would come to my parents’ house, and you just let me go on holiday? I could have been there to fight them.”

“I had no way of knowing _when_ they would attack, James,” said Dumbledore. “But surely you see now how dangerous things are becoming. Be grateful that your parents were not at home.”

“How am I supposed to be grateful when three innocent families are dead?”

“Well, indeed.”

As Sirius watched this exchange, he knew they would all soon be fighting in the war. They had no choice now. James wouldn’t bear the guilt of those Muggles’ deaths without doing something to revenge them or prevent further deaths.

“What about my parents? Are they safe?” said Remus. “What about Lily’s family? And Peter’s?”

“They may all be targets now, but we can provide protection for them,” said Dumbledore. “We have a network of Secret Keepers operating under the Fidelius Charm who protect each members’ family.”

“But we’d have to join to receive that protection, yes?” Sirius asked.

“Yes,” said Dumbledore.

Sirius had the oddest feeling that Dumbledore had orchestrated everything to align perfectly so they would join up. Of course he didn’t order the attack on James’ parents, but the fact that he’d approached them all for membership had surely put their names on the Death Eaters’ list. He even said he’d suspected this might happen, and he must have known it would provide more than enough motivation to get involved. The blood of those Muggle families was on Dumbledore’s hands as much as it was on the Death Eaters’.

“Then we’ll join,” said James, looking to each of his friends.

Everyone nodded in turn, Peter somewhat reluctantly, and it all came down to Sirius. He hesitated, wishing that he could be as firmly decided as everyone else. Of course he disagreed with Voldemort, the Death Eaters, and everything associated with his parents’ lifestyle. But it was unfair, he thought, that they’d had so little time to just live. They’d spent seven years in school, and now Dumbledore would be directing them again, just in a different way.

In the end, he nodded. If he was forced to fight, he would pour all of his anger into ending the conflict as quickly as possible.

***********************

The pile of smoldering rubble that had once been the Jolly Pirate pub loomed up the street. Sirius followed James up the hill toward the wreckage, watching the smoke rise toward the sky and wondering how many bodies they would find. It was a Muggle pub, so they’d probably find a fair few. At least when the Death Eaters attacked a wizarding venue, some of the wizards fought back and escaped. The Muggles never stood a chance. Sirius’ only solace (and he used that word extremely lightly) was that they probably didn’t have time to realize what was happening.

That morning there were only five bodies beneath the bricks and wooden beams. Sirius had lost count of how many bodies he’d seen and counted since the beginning of the summer. The lifeless eyes had haunted his dreams for the first few weeks, but now they seemed almost a commonplace sight before seven o’clock on a Wednesday morning.

“I’ll take care of the bodies,” he said to James. “You look for witnesses.”

Sometimes Muggles witnessed the horrible events taking place in their communities. If they had, their memories needed to be wiped. As strange as it might sound, Sirius preferred dealing with the bodies than with the live witnesses. He couldn’t stand the way they looked at him when he drew his wand, and the way their eyes went all funny as he took thoughts and memories from their brains. He knew it was a kindness, to make them forget the awful scenes, but it still felt wrong.

The clean-up process was only half of their duties. Each night Dumbledore sent them on protective missions to homes he thought were likely to be attacked. If an attack occurred, they were to engage the Death Eaters and unmask them, if possible. They were never instructed to kill, but it was implied that they should do so if other lives were in danger. Each morning, they were sent to other sites that had been attacked, tasked with casting memory charms and cleaning up any suspicious rubble.

In the beginning, they’d been paired up randomly so Dumbledore could see who worked best together. Now they had typical rosters -- Sirius was often paired with James, sometimes with Marlene, and less often with one of the Prewetts. Sirius had noticed that romantic pairs were never allowed to go on missions together. Sirius was never paired with Remus, James was never with Lily, and Marlene never with Dorcas. He knew this was probably to make things less complicated on the battlefield, but it also meant that if one team died, there would always be someone left behind to mourn.

The fact that so many of his fellow students had also joined the Order probably should have buoyed Sirius’ spirit. He probably should have felt better fighting alongside those he’d learned with and befriended at Hogwarts. Instead it just made him sad knowing that they’d all been pulled into the war. The Prewetts were there, of course; Marlene and Dorcas had joined around the same time as Sirius and his friends; and Frank and Alice had joined more recently. Sometimes it was a comfort to come back to headquarters at the end of a long day and see so many familiar faces. But sometimes, usually after a difficult mission, Sirius would feel sick to his stomach as he glanced around the room. Any one of them could be gone the next day.

“Only two witnesses,” said James. “A married couple. It’s taken care of.”

Sirius nodded. “All magical traces gone from the rubble. I think we can call it a day.”

James stretched his arms up over his head and groaned. “How are you holding up?”

 _How do you think?_ Sirius wanted to say, but James had made it clear that he didn’t want to hear Sirius’ complaints. James knew this had to be done. James had the right attitude about things. And Sirius desperately wished he could feel the same way, but he was just too angry.

“Fine,” he said. “I just want to get home.”

“Dinner on Friday, all right?” he said. “Lily and I are cooking, and it’s just going to be the five of us this time. Too many potlucks with too many people.”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Sirius. He moved in for a hug, which James returned with equal intensity. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too,” said James.

With relief flooding his bones, Sirius found a secluded alleyway and apparated back to the flat in London. Though the sun was starting to rise, all the drapes in the flat were still drawn. Remus had been on protective duty the previous night, so he was catching up on sleep. Sirius had been off duty, but he had gotten just as much sleep as Remus. Whenever Remus was out on a mission, Sirius spent the evening wide awake. There was no way he’d ever be able to settle his bones enough to fall asleep while Remus was in potential danger. To be fair, it felt like they were always in potential danger these days, but Sirius slept better if Remus was next to him.

After a detour to the loo, Sirius tiptoed into the darkened bedroom. The sight of Remus lying on his side in bed, hands sandwiched beneath his pillow, calmed Sirius. He walked to the other side of the bed, stripped down to his pants, and climbed in beside him. Remus made a small noise in his sleep and snuggled against Sirius, who looped his arms around Remus’ waist. Only here could he feel truly at ease, with their skin touching, definitive proof that they were unharmed.

Sirius wasn’t sure how long he’d slept, but he felt marginally better when he awoke to the sound of Remus moving around in the kitchen. He stumbled out of bed, pulled his t-shirt over his head, and plodded out into the hallway.

“Good morning,” Remus called. “I hope you were able to get some sleep. It’s after noon already, so you must have been tired. That’s good, you need your rest. I woke up a few hours ago, and I’ve just been taking care of some housework.”

Sirius rubbed his eyes. “And you’ve had coffee.”

Remus nodded. Despite everything he’d seen, this was perhaps the weirdest thing Sirius had witnessed since their work with the Order began. He never would have imagined that Remus Lupin, a staunch tea man through and through, would have turned to the dark side of the coffee bean. But late nights and early mornings had forced him to find a new way to burn the candle at both ends. Sirius was normally rather fond of caffeinated Remus, but today it was a bit too much.

“I’m due out on a mission in about five hours,” said Remus, pouring Sirius some coffee. “So we have some time to spend together.”

“Good,” said Sirius. As Remus swung by to give him his cup of coffee, Sirius snagged the belt loop on his jeans and pulled him into his lap. Remus just barely managed to set down the cup without scalding them both. Once the coffee was out of the equation, Sirius pulled Remus into a kiss that seemed to go on forever.

“You’re in a good mood,” said Remus, his voice slightly husky when they broke apart.

Sirius shrugged. “Just glad to see you.”

He could tell that Remus wanted to talk, but Sirius wasn’t in the mood. Instead, he kissed him again and again, tasting the coffee that lingered on his lips. It had been a few days since they’d had any real time together. Order missions and the freelance research work that Remus was doing had conspired to keep them apart except for stolen moments as they passed each other in the kitchen. And every moment spent apart was a moment in which Sirius’ mind was running dangerous, deathly scenarios.

“Oh,” said Remus, noticing that Sirius was getting hard. “You’re very glad to see me.”

“It’s been days,” said Sirius, kissing him again, sucking at his bottom lip. “Can we go back to bed?”

Remus smiled against his lips. “You just got out of bed.”

“Who cares?”

It didn’t take much convincing. Soon they were tangled together on the bed, Remus straddling Sirius’ waist and sucking at his neck. Sirius ran his fingers through Remus’ hair, so grateful to be holding him that he wanted to cry. When Remus pushed inside him, Sirius gripped his back, pulling him closer, afraid of how good it felt to be close to him. Remus engulfed him, limbs wrapped around him like a cage, as though he knew this was what he needed. He kissed him deeply as his hips snapped back and forth.

In the aftermath, they laid together, hands clasped tightly. Sirius stared at Remus, studying every inch of his face. He wanted a clear picture for that evening, when Remus would be out on a mission.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked him.

“M’fine,” said Sirius.

“Maybe we should talk about it,” said Remus. “The missions. We haven’t really talked about things, we’ve just been on the go since day one.”

“I know. At least we had a few months after graduation. One last summer holiday, I suppose.”

“Hmm,” said Remus. “In a way we’re fighting for the chance to have more times like that.”

Sirius sighed. “I just can’t see it that way. I wish I could, honestly. You and James and Lily all seem to have this figured out, but I’m just...pissed off.”

“I’m pissed off as well,” said Remus. “We all are, that’s why we’re fighting.”

“But I’m pissed off that we _have_ to fight. I wish there was another way.”

Remus stroked Sirius’ cheek with this thumb, and Sirius leaned into his touch. At least there was this, he thought. At least after a day of horrible things he could come home and lay next to someone he loved.

The solace always came to an end, though. By five o’clock, Remus had wrenched himself away from Sirius to shower and get dressed for that night’s mission. They weren’t allowed to discuss specifics with anyone but Dumbledore, but Remus told Sirius that he was stationed in London that evening.

“I won’t be too far away,” he said, tying up his brown boots. “And I’ll be home before you know it.”

They were such simple words, and Sirius wished they could wipe away any fears that might consume him while Remus was gone. But it didn’t work that way; he knew that from experience.

***********************

_1978 - Christmas_

“ _Shit_ , I found the bodies. Oh, shit.”

Sirius didn’t hesitate to look, positive that he’d seen worse before. But as soon as he saw the missing body parts, he backed away, feeling his breakfast churn in his stomach.

“They’re getting worse,” said Fabian. “The attacks are getting more and more brutal, and I think it’s because the Death Eaters know they can get away with it.”

“What? You mean a motley crew of wizards barely out of school isn’t making a difference?” said Sirius. “Shocking.”

“We’re doing what we can,” said Fabian. “We can’t anticipate everywhere they’re going to strike, but Dumbledore has been spot on for several attacks.”

Sirius swallowed his criticisms of Dumbledore. “I’ll finish up here. You go look for witnesses.”

While Fabian patrolled the surrounding area for anyone telling crazy stories, Sirius climbed into the rubble to begin erasing traces of the magic used to kill these Muggles. He tried his best to avoid their empty gazes, tried to avoid gathering more images for his nightmares to throw back at him. He’d only just begun to perform the necessary spells when he heard Fabian yelling for him.

“Sirius! Incoming! Get the fuck over here!”

His heart racing already, Sirius emerged from the wreckage of the Muggles’ home to find Fabian holding off three Death Eaters at once. He sped up the road, hurling curses and defensive spells at the masked figures, knowing this was only increasing their Memory Charm work later. Someone shot the Cruciatus Curse, and Sirius threw up a Shield Charm large enough to protect both Fabian and himself. As they continued to duel, Sirius noticed the Death Eater on the end wasn't really pulling his weight. One of Dumbledore’s main directives was to unmask the Death Eaters, to keep them from hiding as they committed such atrocities. Sirius waited for an opening, and then flung a spell at the lagging Death Eater, causing his gilded mask to fly into the sky.

With the mask gone, Sirius stood face to face with his brother Regulus.

For a moment, silence hung around the battling group and everything seemed to move in slow motion. Later, Sirius would imagine that he’d seen embarrassment on Regulus’ face, but that may have been wishful thinking. The sound of curses whizzing past his head brought Sirius back to reality, and he flew into action.

“Fuck you!” Sirius shouted, flinging curse after curse at Regulus, unable to control himself.

The tallest Death Eater pushed Regulus behind him, hurriedly casting a Shield Charm. The remaining Death Eater let out a high-pitched cackle and shot a spell directly at Sirius. He was too focused on cursing Regulus, and the spell hit him squarely in the chest, knocking him to the ground.

When Sirius came to, Fabian was hovering over him with a worried expression on his face. The Death Eaters were nowhere to be seen.

“Where are they?” said Sirius, sitting up too quickly and making himself dizzy.

“Take it easy,” said Fabian. “If something happens to you, I have to answer to Remus.”

“Where did they go?” Sirius asked again, glancing around the empty road. “Was that...did you see that? Was that who I think it was?”

Fabian hesitated, then nodded. Without his permission, Sirius’ body took over and he began to weep. Never before had such sobs wracked his body, not even when he was being falsely dramatic for fun. His whole body shook as months of pent-up emotion came flooding out.

“Good to know, I guess, that both sides are using children to fight their bloody stupid war,” said Sirius, shouting through his sobs. “That’s bloody wonderful. Wouldn’t want one side to be co-opting them all, eh? There’s enough fucking children to go around.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” said Fabian, patting his back. “It’s all right.”

Sirius looked at him, tears rolling down his face. “He’s not even out of school yet.”

***********************

“Gee, Reg, what did you do on your Christmas holiday? Who, me? Well, I attacked a bunch of innocent Muggles. You?”

“I know, it’s horrible,” said Remus, because there was nothing else he could say.

“The worst part is that I don’t know if he’s gone to their side because he wants to or because our parents made him,” Sirius continued. “And I don’t know which would make me angrier.”

“There’s no way to know, I suppose,” said Remus.

“I mean, he wasn’t as quick as the others, but he was _there_ , you know? Just the fact that he was _there_ is making me sick.”

Remus nodded. Over the past several days, Sirius had repeatedly gone over the details of his encounter with Regulus. Though Remus now knew the story by heart, he didn’t want to tell Sirius to stop telling it. Before that mission, he’d always changed the subject when Remus asked how he was, and Remus knew it wasn’t out of a desire to keep mission secrets. He understood that it was difficult to discuss the bodies and the wreckage they saw each day, but he also knew it wouldn’t help to keep things bottled up. So he was relieved, in a way, when Sirius had returned that morning and told him everything that had happened.

“How can he stand beside them like that and wear that fucking mask?” said Sirius. “I know it was Bellatrix who hit me with that curse, and her fucking fascist boyfriend was with them.”

“Rodolphus?”

“That’s the one,” said Sirius. “The same one who menaced you in the corridor back at Hogwarts.”

“God, I can’t imagine him dating anyone,” said Remus, pulling a face.

“Apparently insanity loves company,” said Sirius. “Do we have everything?”

“I think so,” said Remus, rifling through his rucksack one last time.

It was Christmas Eve, and they were preparing to make the journey to Remus’ parents’ house. The previous year, intoxicated by the idea of their own personal space, they’d spent the holiday in the new flat. This year the flat was just the place where they lived, and the daily nonsense of working for the Order meant that a real holiday was necessary.

Sirius took a look through his duffel bag, purchased at a Muggle shop in London, and nodded. Then he glanced up at Remus. “I’ll stop talking about it now, I promise.”

Remus rounded the end of the bed and came to stand beside Sirius. “Talk about it as much as you need to. Don’t hold back because ‘it’s Christmas,’ or because you think you’re annoying me. You should be talking about it, I’m glad you’re talking at all. Besides, I spent years listening to you harp on about Severus. I certainly don’t mind you harping on about something more serious. No pun intended.”

Sirius snorted. “Right. And if you think Snivellus isn’t part of this little organization, you’re kidding yourself.”

“Oh, I just assumed that he was,” said Remus. “Every time I unmask someone, I’m expecting to find him there. I only hope that I find him before Lily does.”

“Why is that?” said Sirius.

“They were friends at school,” said Remus. “How do you not know this?”

“If you’ll remember, I was a bit of an ass to Lily before she became a _de facto_ member of the group,” said Sirius.

Indeed, Sirius had once scorned Lily simply for being someone James paid more attention to. Remus was impressed, therefore, by how Sirius had welcomed her into their group. The five of them frequently had dinner together after a long week of Order missions, and Sirius was never rude to her. In fact, he seemed to go out of his way to explain inside jokes to her or clue her in to what they were talking about. At first she’d seemed wary, as if concerned that Sirius was pranking her, but she’d come out of her shell.

“You ready?” said Sirius.

“God, yes,” said Remus.

Sirius squeezed his hand. “Come on, let’s go enjoy Christmas.”

Traveling had become a bit different since joining the Order. Each member’s location was being protected by a Secret Keeper, and everyone in the Order knew who the Secret Keepers were. It was a complex system, but it seemed to be working, as no one’s home had been broken into, and no one’s family had been attacked. But it meant that, to get to the Lupins’ cottage, Remus and Sirius first had to visit Gideon Prewett, who was their Secret Keeper. It was quite odd for Remus to suddenly not remember where his childhood home was located, but he was glad the charm was working.

Gideon lived in a flat in a nearby area of London, so Remus and Sirius took the underground to his place. The first time they’d ever taken the underground, Sirius had been endlessly amazed, moving slowly through the turnstile and watching as the train zoomed up to the platform. Remus knew he was still amazed by it each time, but now he hid it to seem cool.

When Remus knocked on the door to Gideon’s flat, Gideon opened the door as far as the chain would allow and peered at them.

“Lupin? In your fourth year, which potion did I tutor you on?”

“The wit-sharpening potion,” said Remus.

“Rather ironically, yes,” said Gideon. “You -- Black. Were you in love with me or my brother at Hogwarts?”

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes. “It was Fabian, but it was only a crush.”

“And you,” said Remus. “Which Muggle invention did I teach you about last spring?”

“The telephone,” Gideon responded.

“Excellent, we’re all who we say we are.”

Gideon unhooked the chain, opened the door wider, and let them into the flat. Dumbledore had insisted that they use this method of determining a person’s true identity. Luckily they’d all been friends, or had at least known each other, while at Hogwarts. There was a wealth of shared memories from which to draw for these tests. Sirius complained about having to remember obscure facts, but Remus convinced him it was necessary for remaining un-murdered.

“We’re heading off to my parents’ just now,” said Remus. “And we need you to tell us where we’re heading.”

“Right, I forgot,” said Gideon. “Erm, come along.”

Though Gideon’s flat was clearly not set up for a fireplace, he’d had one magically inserted in his sitting room. Sirius had suggested doing the same in their flat, but Remus was paranoid about intruders coming through the Floo. Earlier that year he would have readily agreed for convenience’s sake, but so much had changed since then.

“I’ll tell you both in case Sirius gets lost along the way. Is that all right?”

“Yes, of course,” said Remus. He couldn’t imagine a world in which he didn’t trust Sirius with the location of his parents.

Just as Gideon was about to whisper the information to them, Caradoc Dearborn emerged from the bedroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Oh,” he said, when he saw them all standing there. “Shit.”

Without another word, he turned back into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. Gideon had gone a fantastic shade of red, and Sirius was staring after Caradoc with his mouth hanging open in disbelief.

“It was you,” he said, rather stupidly. “I should have been after you for all those years.”

“Indeed,” said Gideon, clearing his throat. “Fabian is as straight as the day is long. Just one of the few ways you can tell us apart.”

“Congratulations, Gideon,” said Remus, smirking at him. He’d always thought Caradoc was quite handsome.

“Right, so, did you want to be getting on?” said Gideon, rubbing the back of his neck.

Gideon hurriedly told them the location, thrust some Floo Powder into their hands, and practically shoved them up the fireplace himself.

As soon as Remus stepped out of his parents’ fireplace, he was engulfed in a hug from his mum. She kissed his cheek and squeezed his shoulders.

“It’s so good to have you home,” she said. Then she turned to Sirius and gave him a hug just as intense and motherly.

Never one to be stingy with parental affection, Lyall stepped in for a hug as well. “How have you been, boys?”

When they’d been planning the holiday trip, Remus and Sirius had discussed just how much to share with Remus’ parents. Obviously they couldn’t share details of their missions, but even vague information on what they’d been doing could be rather distressing. Of course, the Lupins were under a protective charm, so they surely knew their son was in dangerous situations. Regardless, it was a difficult topic to discuss.

After a quick glance at Sirius, Remus settled on, “We’re doing all right. Certainly looking forward to some rest and relaxation.”

Luckily, the rest and relaxation began immediately. Remus’ mum had a kettle boiling, all ready for tea. She poured them each a very large mug and filled a plate with an obscene amount of biscuits. Then his dad all but insisted that they sit in front of the telly with him to watch whatever they could find. Remus loved the way his dad watched telly -- simply tuning in to the programs that happened to be showing at that time. The telly was all well and good, but he much preferred watching Sirius’ face as Lyall explained the latest goings on in _Coronation Street_. It was something akin to the amazement he’d shown in the underground.

All the hallmarks of a Christmas at home were there, but Remus felt oddly removed from it all. He didn’t feel the simply enjoyment that he used to feel when sitting at the kitchen table with his mum, drinking tea and chatting about books. A certain tension in his bones was present at every moment. Since the beginning of summer, when the Potters’ home had been attacked, Remus had felt a sense of dread lodged somewhere behind his ribcage. That dread remained there, rather annoyingly, even though he was back in the one of the places where he’d always been happiest.

“You look tired, dear,” said his mum, when she found him rooting in the icebox.

Remus smiled, trying to put on a brave face. “I am. But don’t worry, that’s just a side effect of being out of school, having to live like an adult.”

“Like an adult, indeed,” said his mum. “What do you have in your cupboards right now?”

“You’d be surprised, Sirius can cook quite a few things,” said Remus. “And what he can’t cook he just has a go at, and it usually ends up rather edible.”

His mum rolled her eyes affectionately and ruffled his hair. “You boys. Tell me you’re being careful, Remus. Please.”

The easy lies leapt to Remus’ lips, ready to set his mum’s mind at ease. But he saw that her hair was greyer at the temples than it had been before, and there seemed to be new lines around her eyes. He knew she still worried about him on full moons, she had even when he was transforming at Hogwarts, and now he’d given her something new to fret about. The least he could do was be honest with her.

“The days are long,” he said. “And we’re dealing with things I daresay we shouldn’t be dealing with just out of school. Rest assured that Dumbledore knows what he’s doing, and he has safeguards in place to keep us safe at home. Out in the field, that’s up to us. But I think we’re up to the task.”

Hope Lupin’s lips were drawn into a tight line that reminded Remus strongly of Professor McGonagall. “I was so grateful to Dumbledore when he visited you all those years ago, promising you a spot at Hogwarts. I never experienced it, but Lyall explained the significance to me. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t given you that chance. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him for putting you in danger now.”

“I know, mum,” said Remus. He wanted to explain the war to her, wanted to explain what they were fighting for and how necessary it was. But he suddenly felt very tired, in his soul as well as his body. He simply shook his head. “I know.”

Christmas was perfect. It was exactly what they’d needed after a year that had begun with studying for end-of-term exams and ended on a battlefield. Remus’ parents gave them simple, practical gifts -- a cozy woolen blanket, a set of slippers. Remus and Sirius didn’t exchange gifts, each somehow knowing that still being alive was enough for them. At the end of a day filled with feasting and doing nothing in particular, they climbed into bed, huddled against each other under Remus’ old, threadbare quilt.

“Thank you,” said Sirius, resting his head on Remus’ chest.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“I know, but I want to. I’m so grateful for a place like this to spend Christmas. Especially this year.”

“I know what you mean.”

Sirius pushed himself up on one elbow. “I love you. Happy Christmas.”

Remus smiled at him and leaned up into a kiss. “Happy Christmas, love.”

They settled into familiar positions, and Remus stroked Sirius’ hair until he fell asleep. It was clear that the trip had been good for Sirius, especially after seeing Regulus. Perhaps this would set him up for the coming year, for whatever was ahead in the war. Though it was certainly a balm for his soul, the holiday couldn’t completely tamp out the dread in Remus’ chest.


	5. 1979

_ 1979 - Spring _

The rain poured sideways, buffeted this way and that by the strong winds, and Remus could barely see two feet in front of him. He tried to shield his face from the biting rain as he squinted across the field, searching for the fleeing Death Eaters. Behind him, the home of Harriet Thomas, a witch who had been branded a “blood traitor,” lay in ruins. James and Dorcas were searching the ruins for survivors, while Remus had followed Caradoc in pursuit of the attackers.

Through the sheets of rain, Remus caught a glint of gold that might have been a Death Eater’s mask. He cast a curse in that direction, hoping that he hadn’t just hit Caradoc. It was impossible to see in the downpour, and Remus had never felt more worried on the battlefield. Even if he was up against five Death Eaters at once in dry weather, at least he’d be able to see them. 

“On your left!” came a shout from somewhere behind him. Remus turned and found himself almost face to face with a masked Death Eater. He stupefied him, letting his reflexes do the work before he got hit with a spell. 

A curse flew past Remus’ ear and hit a Death Eater he hadn’t seen coming straight toward him. He glanced back and saw James running up behind him. 

“No survivors,” he said, teeth gritted against the rain. “And you almost got yourself killed. Look out!”

This time Remus wasn’t quick enough. The spell came straight for his face, and he only just managed to lean to the left so that it grazed the side of his head. He felt something newly wet, something that wasn’t rain, stream down his cheek. 

“Oh, fuck,” he said, the wound stinging with rainwater. 

“Get down!” James shouted. 

Remus, feeling dazed from the force of the spell, fell onto the wet grass and gingerly touched the side of his head. His hand came away red, and he hoped to God this wasn’t the way he was going to die -- soaking wet in a random field in the north of England.

“Stupefy!”

“Incendio!”

“Crucio!”

“Protego! You fuckers.”

The curses -- both magical and non-magical -- flew over Remus’ head, his elbows sinking into the wet ground. He looked up, trying to find his friends, but the rain was falling harder by the minute. He may have passed out for a moment or two, though he wasn’t sure. The next thing he knew, Dorcas, Fabian, and James were huddled around him examining his head. 

“It’s a surface wound,” said Dorcas. “But I don’t like how much he’s bleeding.”

“St. Mungo’s?” said James.

“No,” said Remus, hurriedly. “Please, if Sirius has to visit me in the hospital, it’ll be the death of him. Can we go back to our flat and bandage me up there?”

“I can handle it,” said Dorcas. 

“What happened to the Death Eaters?” said Remus.

“We drove them off,” said James. He smiled, but then his face fell quickly. “Unfortunately, like I said, no survivors at the Thomas household.”

“Fuck,” said Remus. Every part of him was soaked through to the bone. He could barely feel his bleeding wound, but nausea washed over him as he thought about the family they’d been guarding that evening. “How the hell did they get in?”

Caradoc shook his head. “No idea. Harriet was on their list, but it seems like an odd coincidence that they would attack the night we were on guard. Almost like they wanted to show off in front of us, to let us know they could get in even while we were here.”

They all lamented their failure, and Caradoc apparated back to headquarters so he could report to Dumbledore and get a clean-up crew sent to the house. Dorcas helped Remus to his feet, and James put a steadying hand on his shoulder.

“Get back to Lily,” said Remus. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.”

James searched his face, making sure that he wasn’t putting up a brave front. Remus knew that years of watching him transform had taught James how to determine whether something was serious or simply a bother. Eventually he nodded and stepped back.

“You’d better be,” he said. Then he spun on the spot and was gone. 

Side-along apparition was unpleasant at the best of times. Remus would not recommend attempting it while bleeding. Unpleasant sensations aside, he was soon back in the flat, one arm slung across Dorcas’ shoulders. 

“Prepare yourself,” he said.

“For what?” said Dorcas.

“Bloody hell! What the fuck happened out there?”

“For this,” said Remus, as Sirius came rushing into the living room. “Sirius, calm down, it’s just a cut.”

“Just a cut,” said Sirius, rolling his eyes. “You’re fucking...you’re bleeding a lot. Are you okay? Is he going to be okay?”

“He’s going to be fine,” said Dorcas, keeping her voice calm. “Just let me clean him up.”

Dorcas performed a quick drying spell on Remus and herself, then sat him down on the couch. Sirius sat down next to him, hovering in an adorably worried sort of way. As Dorcas siphoned the blood off his face, and cleaned and bandaged the wound, Remus took Sirius’ hand. He squeezed it, assuring him that everything was going to be fine. 

“It was Lestrange,” said Dorcas as she fixed the bandage in place. “He was definitely the leader of that group tonight. It’s getting easier to identify them by their favorite spells, and Lestrange favors a sideswipe spell that got you tonight.”

“I think Avery was there as well, and perhaps Rosier,” said Remus. “I don’t know how they got past us.”

“Bastards,” said Sirius. “For weeks now it’s seemed like they know our moves before we make them.”

“So we need to be quicker,” said Dorcas, a strained smile on her face. “Right, you’re all set. It shouldn’t give you any trouble. It’s a good thing you were able to dodge or else this could have done some real damage. Now I should get back to Marlene.”

“Give her our best,” said Remus. “And thank you.”

“It was nothing.” Dorcas hugged them both, then apparated away. 

Sirius let out a heavy sigh. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I am, it’s just a graze,” said Remus. “But if I’m being honest, I was genuinely scared out there tonight. They really surprised us this time. Plus all of that bloody rain...it was nearly impossible to see.”

Sirius nodded. He pulled Remus in close and kissed the uninjured side of his head. This simple, gentle gesture set something off in Remus. To his great surprise, he started to cry. He vaguely heard Sirius saying something to comfort him, but he couldn’t quite make out the words beyond his own sobs. But he felt Sirius’ hand on the back of his neck, cupping his jaw, and saw the tender look on his face. 

As his tears subsided, Remus leaned in to kiss Sirius. It began innocently enough, but soon the kisses were greedier, more desperate. They wanted more and more of each other, and Remus wasn’t sure what had brought this on but he suddenly _needed_ Sirius close to him. As Remus kissed him again, he started to lift the hem of Sirius’ t-shirt. 

“Hey,” said Sirius, grabbing Remus’ hand. “Are you sure about this? Are you sure your head is okay?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” said Remus. “I told you I’m fine. Please, Sirius…”

Sirius brushed the hair back from his bandage and studied his face. After a moment, he leaned in to kiss him again, and the heat reignited between them. Remus pulled Sirius’ t-shirt over his head, and Sirius helped Remus with the buttons on his shirt. They lay down on the couch, bare chests pressed together as they reached out, lips meeting, hands grasping. Trousers fell to the floor, and Sirius angled his hips upward to rut against Remus’ thigh, but Remus stopped him. 

“Let me fuck you,” he whispered in Sirius’ ear. “I want to be close to you.”

Sirius shivered and nodded, kissing him again. They fucked with their underwear around their ankles, too impatient to stop and toss them away. Remus’ world narrowed to the back and forth of his hips, the rapid rise and fall of Sirius’ chest, the way Sirius’ mouth hung open in ecstasy as Remus fucked him and kissed that spot behind his ear. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” said Remus, his face buried in the crook of Sirius’ neck. “Please...don’t let me lose you.”

“I promise,” Sirius gasped, clutching Remus’ back. “I love you, I love you…”

Afterward, Remus stood up, legs all wobbly, and found a cloth to clean them up. Then he collapsed beside Sirius, pressing gentle kisses to his arm, chest, jawline. Sirius stroked his cheek, gazing lovingly at him. 

“You don’t have to worry about me, okay?” he said. “I can hold my own on the battlefield. We all can. I’m surprised by how much everyone’s improved, even Peter. So, you know, we’ll be okay.”

Remus nodded, though he wasn’t sure he agreed. “Sorry I cried.”

Sirius frowned. “Don’t be sorry for that. Sometimes you have to cry these days.”

“Hmm.” Remus kissed Sirius’ shoulder and settled into a comfortable position beside him on the couch. Neither one of them made a move for the bedroom. It was better, Remus thought, to be so close they were almost on top of each other. When they spent so many nights apart, in dangerous situations, this closeness felt more important than ever. It was what got Remus through those nights, and also what he feared losing the most. 

***************************

_ 1979 - Summer _

The first time Sirius had seen the sea, he could not have been older than seven. At that age, the sea was an example of vastness that Sirius could not comprehend. He remembered an uncle standing beside him and explaining how the sea went on and on, far off beyond the horizon they could see. That summer he imagined himself as a wizard on the high seas, steering a magical ship and seeking the edge of that expansive sea.

Now all he wanted was to sit beside the water for a quiet moment. 

After the night Remus came home with his head bleeding, their battles had gotten much worse. It seemed more and more like someone was feeding the Death Eaters information, or they were getting information through some unknown means. Either way, the Order felt outsmarted and out of step at every turn. Sirius had used to consider it a successful mission if they managed to unmask a Death Eater, or if they ran them off and forced them to apparate away first. Now he just wanted to come home alive at the end of a mission. 

As June turned into July, Remus and Sirius mutually agreed on the need to go somewhere they could relax and ignore things for a week or two. Though Europe was an enticing prospect, Sirius voted for Lupin Manor. So they found themselves in Swansea once again, this time in warmer weather. Remus smeared sun cream on his nose and accompanied Sirius down to the beach. 

“You look ridiculous,” said Sirius. 

“Ah, but my skin won’t be angry and red for the next week,” said Remus. “Trust me, it’s better this way for both of us. You don’t want to be finding flakes of my skin for days.”

Sirius pulled a face. “I suppose not. Luckily I tan, so you’ll have a bronzed god for a boyfriend for the next week.”

“Oh?” said Remus. “Does the bronzed god leave his tea bags all over the countertops?”

“That depends on what tea bags you’re talking about.”

“God, you’re disgusting.”

“Come here and I’ll show you just how disgusting.”

Remus yelped when Sirius lunged at him, and then dissolved into giggles as Sirius tossed away his ridiculous beach hat and kissed him all over his face. Much sand found its way into many interesting places that afternoon. 

When they weren’t at the beach, they were enjoying the cozy summer atmosphere in Lupin Manor. Remus’ mum made lemonade, and his dad watched football games on the telly. Many an afternoon was eaten up by explanations of the game, which Lyall tried to equate to Quidditch so that Sirius would catch on faster. 

“It’s much easier when you think of the goalie as a keeper,” he said. “The defense are sort of like beaters. Only no one is flying, you see?”

Sometimes, of course, they just stayed in bed. Remus’ parents were the exact opposite of nosy, and they left their son to his own devices. This meant there was no danger of someone barging in on them at particularly embarrassing moments. Eventually they’d have to venture into the house for food, but they tried to put that off as long as possible. If Remus started mentioning snacks, Sirius had to kiss him into submission. 

On one such afternoon, as Sirius pressed Remus into the pillows and snogged him something fierce, they were interrupted by a tapping at the window. 

“Fuck off,” said Sirius, not even looking. 

“Hang on, Sirius, it’s an owl.” Remus pushed him away and swung his feet off the bed.

“Come on,” Sirius whined. “Who cares what it is? We’re on vacation, we’re supposed to be ignoring all this shit.”

“I know,” said Remus. “But I’d never forgive myself if it was a real emergency.”

Sirius swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. He watched Remus take the note, pet the owl’s head, and unfurl the small scroll. He read it very quickly, paused, and then read it again. 

“You’d better look at this,” he said, holding it out to Sirius. 

He didn’t want to read the scroll. Reading the scroll would mean cutting their vacation short, he was sure of it. Reading the scroll would mean letting in the horrors they’d been trying to block out. It would mean admitting that this was only a temporary reprieve, and that the world was still out there waiting for them. But he felt the same as Remus -- if it was an emergency and he could help, he wanted to help.

The scroll was from Andromeda, and it held news that Sirius never could have predicted. Regulus had gone missing, and his father had died. 

“What do they mean by missing?” Sirius asked. “Did they just now realize he’s been traipsing around with Death Eaters, or has something else happened?”

“I don’t know, but Dumbledore might have more answers,” said Remus.

Sirius sighed and glanced out the window at the ocean. They were meant to have another whole week of hiding away. If the owl had only brought news of his father’s death, Sirius could have easily continued his holiday. Orion Black had been an overbearing asshole to him even before he’d been sorted into Gryffindor. But some small part of Sirius still held out hope for his brother. Even though he’d seen his face behind a Death Eater mask, he thought perhaps Regulus was still young enough to talk some sense into. 

That evening, Remus and Sirius packed up their things and said goodbye to Hope and Lyall. Remus said he was sorry that couldn’t stay longer, and Hope assured him that any time they could have together was enough. There were hugs and kisses all around, with the unsaid worry that they wouldn’t see each other again hanging heavily in the room. 

After dropping off their things at the flat, and sending some rather frantic owls, Remus and Sirius soon convened with Dumbledore at The Hog’s Head. 

“What’s going on?” said Sirius, bypassing any sort of greeting when he saw the old man. Though he’d come to terms with their need to fight, he was still prickly on the subject of Dumbledore himself. 

“Unfortunately, I don’t know much more than you,” said Dumbledore. “Regulus has gone missing. My spies among the Death Eaters tell me that he confronted the Dark Lord several days ago and proclaimed that he wanted to defect from the group. No one on either side has seen him since then.”

“What do you think that means?” said Sirius. “Do you think Voldemort killed him?”

“That is the most likely outcome, yes,” said Dumbledore. “But I can’t say for sure that it’s happened, because we haven’t found evidence of an attack or Regulus’ body anywhere.”

Sirius nodded, glancing around the pub. “Who’s been trailing him?”

At the beginning of the summer, Dumbledore had instituted a new system by which each Order member was given a Death Eater to trail. He or she was to follow the Death Eater until they lost track of them or the situation became too dangerous, and then to report back to Dumbledore. Sirius could tell that he was angry about the Death Eaters somehow knowing their every move. This was his way of trying to counteract their shortcomings on the battlefield -- fighting intel with intel. So far Sirius had avoided talking to whomever was trailing Regulus, but now he had a reason to be curious.

“Emmeline was trailing him,” said Dumbledore. “Tread lightly, though, Sirius. You may learn information you don’t want to know.”

Of course, Sirius chose not to heed Dumbledore’s warning. He felt as though Dumbledore was always giving him advice about treading lightly and not making mistakes that he’d regret later on. It was all well and good, but Sirius wondered if Dumbledore ever put those bits of advice into practice for himself. 

The next day, Sirius met up with Emmeline to get some more information. 

“As far as Death Eaters go,” she said. “He was fairly mild. From what I could tell, he just went to the meetings, went out on missions with some of the older Death Eaters, and then came home.”

“To Grimmauld Place?”

“That’s right.”

“So my parents knew what he was up to,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “I guess it doesn’t surprise me, but it’s still appalling.”

“If Regulus was up to something, he was pretty good at hiding it,” Emmeline continued. “If you’d asked me about him last week I’d have said he was a by-the-book kind of Death Eater.”

“What do you mean up to something?” Sirius asked. “What could he have been up to?”

“I have no idea. But why did he just decide to defect all of a sudden? I mean, it’s weird, right?”

Sirius had been imagining that Regulus had suddenly grown a conscience about what he was doing, but perhaps he’d learned something about Voldemort. Perhaps there was something dark out there, something they hadn’t yet discovered, that Regulus had worked out. This might have been comforting if Regulus was with them now, agreeing to hand over the information. But he was out there somewhere, perhaps murdered, and they might never know what he discovered.

“I wish I knew what happened.”

“Well,” said Emmeline, a grim expression on her face. “Either way, I’m sure we’ll know soon.”

But no information ever came. Sirius spent the following weeks on tenterhooks, tensing every time an owl flew to their window, but it never brought news of his brother. Eventually he had to accept that Regulus was gone, in one way or another, and that he’d probably never know the truth about what happened to him. 

***************************

James proposed to Lily on a trip they took to France over the summer. It had been just a weekend trip, as the Order couldn’t spare them for longer than that. But that had been enough time for James to find the perfect way to ask her to marry him. Lily had allegedly paused, asked if she could have some time to think it over, and then hurriedly agreed when she saw that her joke had nearly caused James to have an aneurysm. 

The announcement of their impending nuptials was a bright spot in a rather dim summer. Between Regulus going missing and bringing his total number of bodies seen into the triple digits, Sirius was glad to have something else to concentrate on. Planning for the wedding meant that they all had more time together, and things even began to feel a bit like the old days. 

Sirius was promptly made Best Man, with apologies to Remus and Peter. There were no hard feelings, and they all joked that it might be more fun to have Padfoot as a ring bearer. Even Lily agreed that this would by hysterical, as she’d recently been let in on their group secret.

“I’ve known about Remus for ages,” she’d said, staring at them all. “But this is a huge surprise.”

“You’re not afraid of deer, are you?” said James, chuckling nervously.

“No, but...my Patronus does happen to be a doe.”

James stared at her, mouth agape, before his eyes went all gooey. “It’s just another sign that we’re meant to be.”

They wanted to get married quickly, their reasoning being that there was no point to long engagements. But Sirius saw, in the way that James and Lily sometimes clasped hands, that they wanted to get married in case something terrible happened. He felt the same way, but he doubted he’d be able to find someone who would marry two blokes. 

The ceremony took place at James’ parents’ house. They set up a marquee and James’ mum cooked for all their guests. It was a small affair -- only their closest friends were invited, which meant the modest crowd was mainly members of the Order. Dumbledore came, which Sirius found awkward, but James respected the man and wanted him there on his special day. 

Before the ceremony, James and Sirius stood in James’ old bedroom, magically tying their bowties, taking care not to slip and blast their noses off their faces. 

“Although it would be hilarious,” Sirius remarked. “And it might be the perfect way to make sure Lily loves you. Would she marry you if you had no nose? The ultimate test.”

“I don’t think I need a test, mate,” said James. “God, I still can’t believe she agreed to go out with me. How have we gotten here?”

Sirius smiled at him in the mirror. “I dunno, but I’m glad we have. Lily’s wonderful, really. I know I was a complete tit to her at school, but I was wrong.”

“As you are about so many things,” said James, grinning at him.

Sirius stood by the bedroom window, where a warm breeze was wafting in. If he hadn’t been wearing a bowtie and looking down at James’ wedding guests, he would have thought it was just another summer day. As he felt the breeze on his face, Sirius thought it could have easily been 1975, and they were about to go smoke in the woods. He saw Remus sitting in the first row, dressed in his smart clothes from graduation, one long leg crossed over the other.

“Would you marry him?” said James, suddenly standing beside Sirius.

Sirius gulped, a rush of emotion filling his chest. “In a heartbeat.”

“Tell you what,” said James. “Once this bloody war is over, I’ll see what it takes to officiate a wedding. It can’t be too difficult. Then I can just marry you.”

“No, mate, I’ve just said I want to marry Remus.”

James rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean, you idiot.”

Sirius laughed and nodded. “You’d do that for us?”

“Of course,” said James. “You’re my best friends. Besides, I know you fixed up that Halloween party in sixth year. How did you do it? Just tell me.”

Sirius mimed locking his lips and tossing away the key. “Never.”

The ceremony was beautiful, and Sirius cried. Lily’s hair fell in cascades across her bare shoulders, and James had eyes for no one but her. As the officiant said the words, binding them to each other for life, Sirius glanced over at Remus. Their eyes met, and Sirius thought he saw an understanding there, a sign that Remus wanted this too. They smiled at each other, such a simple gesture that seemed to encapsulate so much.

After the ceremony, after Remus congratulated the bride and groom and insisted that he’d not cried, Sirius led him away from the crowd. He looked off toward the horizon, remembering the summer when everything had begun, when they’d taken that walk and Sirius had thought that maybe, just maybe, there could be something between them. Remus’ hand was warm in his own, and the simple fact of their closeness amazed him. 

“Listen,” he said, turning to Remus when they’d moved away from the lights and music of the wedding party. “I don’t know how this is going to sound, and I don’t know if you care about this nonsense, but would you...would you ever consider…?”

“Yes,” said Remus, his eyes bright.

Sirius grinned at him. “How do you know what I was going to say? Maybe I was going to ask if you’d ever consider letting me live as a dog for three months straight?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Please, you’d get too annoyed by the fleas.”

“I suppose you’re right. Can I...would you let me finish it at least?” Sirius waited for Remus to nod, then he continued. “Would you marry me?”

Remus smiled in a way that Sirius had never seen before. It was a smile that opened his face and wiped away the premature age lines caused by his years of transformations. He sighed and shook his head, and then finally said, “Yes. Of course.”

Sirius closed the gap between them and kissed him. “James said he would marry us, after the stupid war is over.”

“I’d like that,” said Remus. “I suppose that leaves Peter as Best Man.”

“How about Marlene?” said Sirius, chuckling. 

“Hey,” said Remus. “I love you.”

In response, Sirius kissed him again, soft and slow. He loved the way Remus sighed against his lips, the way his hands spread out along Sirius’ back. When they pulled apart, Sirius rested his forehead against Remus’, and Remus huffed out a little laugh of disbelief. 

“You know, I never imagined someone might ask me this,” said Remus, his voice a bit wobbly.

“That’s because you’re a fool, Moony,” said Sirius, teasingly. “You’re a catch and a half, and I’m lucky to have somehow nabbed you before anyone else.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” said Remus, giving him another quick kiss. “Come on, let’s dance.”

Sirius felt deliriously happy as he danced with Remus, did a mock waltz with Lily, and acted like a complete fool with James and Peter. He didn’t know when they’d be able to make it official. At that moment, it felt like the war could either end by Christmas or last the next five years. But he supposed that a long engagement wasn’t too terrible, as long as you had a happy ending waiting for you.

  
  


***************************

_ 1979 - Christmas _

“I like it,” said Lily, shrugging as she ate another canape. “It has real...character.”

“Ha! You see?” said Sirius. “That’s another way of saying it’s tasteless. Lily, I appreciate your diplomacy, but I think we all know it’s hideous.”

“I wouldn’t say  _ hideous _ ,” said Lily.

“Well, I would. Go on, take it off. I won’t have this at our Christmas party.”

“Don’t make him change, that’s a bit silly.”

“I’m the one who’s silly? This  _ lights up _ .”

Remus stood between them, drinking mulled wine and wearing the Christmas jumper that was causing such an uproar. One week earlier, he’d seen the monstrosity in a shop window and decided to buy it precisely because it would cause this reaction. 

“I’m just trying to bring festive spirit to our evening,” he said, taking a sip of his wine. Lily caught his eye, and he knew that she was on to him. 

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, surveyed him, and then shook his head. “Well, fine. But I can’t guarantee I’ll want to kiss you under the mistletoe while you’re wearing that.”

“We’ll see,” said Remus, winking at him and making him blush. 

Sirius left to greet more guests at the door. They were arriving the Muggle way, for the most part, and Sirius was quizzing each of them as they knocked. He was using only Christmas-based questions, so people had been struggling to remember gifts of years past. In many ways it was an unconventional holiday party, but it felt necessary as the war raged on. There had been some brutal attacks in the previous months, including on families they all knew from Hogwarts. The party wasn’t meant to forget those losses, but simply bolster them all to continue fighting. 

“So you just bought that to annoy him?” said Lily, nabbing another canape. 

“Oh, absolutely,” said Remus, grinning at her. “Do you think it’s working?”

“Splendidly,” she replied. 

“Lily,” said Remus. “I don’t mean to be rude, but we only made so many appetizers. And the guests haven’t all arrived yet…”

“Oh, God, you’re right,” said Lily, going quite red. “I’m so sorry, I guess I’m just a bit peckish tonight. I’m nervous, to tell you the truth.”

“What do you have to be nervous about?” Remus asked. 

Lily rubbed her hands together and glanced around the room. “Oh, you’ll see in a bit.”

Remus didn’t have to wonder for too long. As the last of the guests filtered in, including Dumbledore himself, he saw Lily and James whispering conspiratorially. He watched as they nodded to each other, lovestruck grins on their faces, and his heart sank into his stomach. He had a terrible feeling that he knew what their secret was. It made sense, of course, and perhaps he should have seen it coming, but what a horrible time for it.

“Excuse me,” said James, moving to the front of the room, holding Lily’s hand. “Can I have everyone’s attention, please? I feel so glad to be with you all this evening. I’m proud to call each of you my friend, and I want to share some exciting news with you.”

“ _We_ would like to share some news,” said Lily. 

Lily was pregnant. They made the announcement a bit sheepishly, but Remus could see the excitement dancing in their eyes. They were young, they were in love, and now there was going to be a Baby Potter. Sirius’ eyes got wide and, as he hugged James and Lily, Remus knew he was already thinking up ways of spoiling the kid. Everyone was quick to congratulate them, and Remus joined in, but then he noticed Dumbledore in the corner of the room looking the same way Remus felt. 

“Is something wrong, sir?” he asked him.

“Remus, you don’t have to call me ‘sir’ anymore,” said Dumbledore.

“I know. Old habits die hard, I suppose,” said Remus.

“In theory,” said Dumbledore. “There is no reason to be upset. We’re celebrating a holiday, we’re all together, and James and Lily have just shared some wonderful news.”

“Indeed,” said Remus. “But you look as though you’ve eaten one too many lemon drops, if you don’t mind my saying.”

“Not at all,” said Dumbledore. “I suppose I can’t help but feel a bit sad. The world doesn’t exactly feel suitable for children just now. But there is nothing we can do to stop love. Indeed, we can view this as a hopeful manifestation of the world we’re attempting to build -- one in which love can flourish in all its forms.”

“A good point,” said Remus. “I only hope…”

He trailed off, not wanting to say the words out loud. Giving voice to his concerns felt like giving them power, and he wanted only safety and happiness for his friends. It was difficult, though, not to think about all that could go wrong when the world was such a mess.

“I know,” said Dumbledore, a grave expression on his face. “Believe me, I know.”

After an hour or so, Dumbledore excused himself from the party, thanking them profusely for inviting him. With him gone, Remus felt like the lone realist in a room full of happy idealists gathered around James and Lily. He put on a happy face, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how brave Lily and James were on the battlefield. They took chances, they openly defied the taunts of Death Eaters, and they likely occupied numbers one and two on Voldemort’s list of “people I would really like to kill.”

As the party was winding down, Sirius found Remus starting the washing up in the kitchen. 

“What a lovely evening,” said Sirius, kissing him on the cheek. “It almost made me forget this horrible jumper.

Remus rolled his eyes and sent a stack of plates into the sink with a graceful flick of his wand. 

“Hey,” said Sirius. “I was thinking…”

“I don’t want to get pregnant, it would be terrible for my figure,” said Remus without turning around.

“What?”

“Well, you proposed to me right after James and Lily got married,” said Remus. “So I’m just beginning to sense a pattern.”

Sirius threw his head back, laughing in that oddly dog-like way of his, and clapped Remus on the shoulder. “Fuck, Moony...that’s definitely not what I was going to say.”

“Good. Well, go on then.”

“Right, no,” said Sirius, wiping his eyes. “I was going to proposition you. You know, something about how you need to get out of that awful jumper and into my arms.”

Remus snorted but set his wand down, all interest in washing up lost. “Now there’s an idea I can get behind.”

“Come on,” said Sirius, grabbing his hand. “Let’s go chase away some guests.”


	6. 1980

_ 1980 - Spring _

“Morning sickness looks like a whole other level of misery, I have to say. I’ve seen Sirius get pretty disgustingly sick after a night of Firewhisky, but this is absurd. Lily was putting on a brave face for a while, but she’s finally brewing a potion that should help. And it’s supposed to get better after a few months anyway, so here’s hoping.”

Remus had stopped paying attention to what James was saying. On the first day, he’d listened attentively, doing his best to be a good friend. On the second day, he’d simply nodded at the right moments. Now that they were on day three of the mission, he was fed up with hearing about anything related to babies or pregnancy. At this point, he was waiting for a quiet moment when he could wax poetic about gay sex just to have a change of pace and hopefully shock James into silence for the rest of the mission. 

When they’d been paired up to stake out a suspected Death Eater headquarters, Remus thought it would be nice to catch up with James. They’d both been preoccupied with their romantic lives for several years, and Remus missed spending time with him. He’d expected James to talk about his impending parenthood, but in a different way. Truth be told, he’d been expecting him to talk about his fears. James was incredibly gung-ho about becoming a parent in the middle of a war, and Remus was waiting for that facade to break. 

So far, though, James had talked of nothing but the physical side effects of pregnancy. Apparently he’d been reading a book that Lily’s mum had given her, and he wanted to spread his new knowledge far and wide. 

Under any other circumstances, Remus would have been happy to indulge James in this obsession, just as he indulged him when he went on and on about Quidditch. But they’d been cooped up in a tent together for three days. Remus was cold, he smelled, and he missed Sirius. If he heard one more factoid about a woman’s pregnant body, he was going to throw James into the nearest body of water, no matter how far he had to walk to get there. 

They were meant to be lying in wait, to gather intel on whomever was headquartered here. It was dull work, and Remus spent most of his time dreaming about a warm bed with Sirius in it. In the past three days, they had not seen hide nor hair of any Death Eaters, and he was beginning to wonder if they needed to stay for the full week. 

“I can’t understand how any of it works, really,” said James. “The whole thing seems like a really complicated Transfiguration lesson. You should see some of the diagrams --”

“I know, James,” Remus interrupted him. “I’ve seen the diagrams as well. My mum has a few science books in our collection at home.”

“It’s completely insane, right?” said James. “Lily says it’s not all that weird because it happens basically every day, but I’d be freaked out if it was me.”

“You’re not freaked out at all?” said Remus, seeing a possible way to get James to open up.

James stared at him for a moment, then shrugged. “Why should I be? Lily’s got the difficult job. I just...I just need to support her.”

Remus nodded. He started to ask another question, but paused when he heard something outside the tent. He put a finger to his lips and raised his eyebrows at James, whose eyes narrowed as he listened closely.

“...just said to sweep the forest. Not sure what he thinks we’ll find, but he’s getting more paranoid by the day.”

All they could do was sit as still as possible while the Death Eaters prowled around their tent. They’d put up protective charms, of course, but there were ways of breaking those down. If Voldemort thought someone might be out in the woods, he’d have told the Death Eaters to scan the area for hidden objects. Remus held his breath. Though he knew it wouldn’t help them, it made him feel like he was doing something. He tried to send psychic messages to James, to tell him to be ready, but then he noticed James already had his wand out.

There was silence for a moment, then Remus heard one of the Death Eaters murmur a spell. Then, “Gotcha.”

“Fuck,” said James. 

The next few moments were a blur of spells, Remus’ mind and body operating on autopilot. At first there was nothing to do but cast shield spells, furiously defending against the oncoming attack. Then James took a chance and knocked back one of the Death Eaters, and Remus had a chance to hit the other one with a confounding spell. As the masked man stumbled around, Remus turned his attention to helping James fight off the other one. 

He didn’t notice, though, when the confounding spell wore off. As the Death Eater’s curse flew at him, he just barely ducked to avoid it. Remus cursed and stumbled back against a log. James stepped in front of him, wand arm moving wildly as he fought off both Death Eaters.

“Get the fuck out of here,” he shouted to Remus.

“No way, then it’s two against one,” said Remus, pushing himself onto his feet.

They stood side by side, switching off between offense and defense. Remus had learned early on that he worked well with James on the battlefield. Their differing personalities and years spent learning each other made it easy to anticipate each other’s moves.

“We should get out of here,” said Remus, holding a shield up as the Death Eaters attacked. “How long before some of their mates come out to help?”

James glanced back at their tent, then up toward the mansion they’d been watching. Remus could see the wheels in his head turning. Finally, he nodded and stepped out from behind the shield, surprising the Death Eaters with a Jelly-Legs Jinx and enraging them further. James laughed and ducked as one of them shot a curse his way. 

“Go!” he shouted, waving toward the clearing. “I’ll follow you!”

Remus began to run but looked back to make sure James was following. For a moment he stayed where he was, fighting off the Death Eaters with decisive swipes of his wand. Finally he struck them both down with a stunning spell and raced after Remus.

Several weeks earlier, a Death Eater had grabbed Dorcas’ arm as she was apparating away from a battle, following her to her flat. Thanks to her quick thinking, Dorcas had stupefied the Death Eater, Oblivated him, and apparated him away to a remote forest. Since then, everyone had adhered to the rule of apparating to a random location rather than directly home during a battle. When he got close enough, Remus grabbed James’ arm and apparated them to a forest in Wales. 

“Where are we?” said James, hands on his knees as he fought to catch his breath. 

“The forest where I used to transform,” said Remus. “As a child. It was the first place I thought of.”

James nodded. “It’ll do. Fuck...how did they find us so easily?”

“I don’t know,” said Remus, swiping his hair off his forehead. “Perhaps because they knew what they were looking for? I have no bloody idea.”

“Another failed mission,” said James, straightening up and staring off into the woods. “Dumbledore is going to be pissed.”

“What could we do? They ambushed us.”

“I know, but now no one can even go back there. The Death Eaters will either abandon that headquarters, or they’ll be on such high alert that a stakeout would be impossible.”

Remus nodded. “At least we both got out safely.”

“Hmm,” said James. “If you hadn’t been there, I would have stayed. I wish some of their arsehole mates had come out. I’d love to strike down a whole group of them, get a reputation among their nasty organization.”

“I think you already have a reputation,” said Remus, chuckling. 

“Yeah, probably,” said James. “I just feel like we’re not doing enough.”

“It’s been difficult,” said Remus. “But you shouldn’t put yourself in danger just to take down a larger number of Death Eaters.”

“Isn’t that the point? Isn’t that what war is all about?”

Remus steeled himself. This was the conversation he’d been expecting from a week spent with James. “Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean we should rush toward it so readily. James, you have a child on the way.”

“I know,” said James, flicking his wand at the ground, causing leaves to jump up in small plumes. “But I want him to live in a better world.”

Remus stopped short. “It’s...you’re having a boy?”

James turned to look at Remus and nodded, an expression somewhere between pure joy and utter misery on his face. “I’ve thought about this. I want to name him after my grandfather -- Harry. Not Harold, just Harry.”

Remus smiled at the thought of little Harry Potter, bouncing on Lily’s knee. 

“Anyway, I can’t use that as an excuse to be overly cautious,” said James, flicking his wand up and down again. “Because if I do, then what’s the point of me even being out there? If Dumbledore’s so bloody worried, he should stop sending me on missions.”

“Did he say that he’s worried?”

James shrugged. “In his roundabout way, you know. He certainly didn’t seem pleased at the Christmas party when we made the announcement. I think he’s mad at me, frankly, because I’m one of his best and now we’ve foolishly gotten pregnant.”

“Did he say it was foolish?”

“He said the timing wasn’t ideal,” said James, scoffing. “He actually said that to me.”

Though Remus agreed with Dumbledore, he wasn’t about to admit that to James. “I’m sure he’s just concerned for your safety.”

“But he can’t have it both ways,” said James. “Either he wants me on the battlefield, or he wants me to be safe. He can’t ask me to come out here and not try my best. I’m good at dueling, so I might as well put that to use and protect people.”

As if punctuating his point, James flicked his wand perhaps more forcefully than he needed to and a huge plume of leaves flew into the air. They rained down on the two of them, and Remus couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of James, bemused, with leaves in his hair. 

“I think you need to find a happy medium somehow,” he said, walking toward James. 

“It’s not going to be easy,” James replied. “Dumbledore’s hinted to me that this is only the beginning. Things are just going to get worse from here.”

Remus had suspected this for several months. It was difficult to convince yourself that things were going well when the enemy kept preempting your movements and gaining ground. The other day he’d heard that Voldemort had successfully recruited the giants for his side. But it was still jarring to hear James voice this doubt. James had been on board from the beginning, adamant that this was what needed to be done. If he was admitting their underdog status, Remus was sure that others were feeling it as well. 

“Let’s get home,” he said, because he couldn’t think of a way to lift James’ spirits. “And brush those leaves out of your hair.”

***********************************

_ 1980 - Summer _

When Dumbledore first approached Remus with the idea, Sirius told him not to go. 

“I have to draw the line here,” he said. “I know we’re all making sacrifices, but at some point you need to put yourself first, and this is that point.”

“But this is something I’m uniquely equipped to help out with,” said Remus. “I don’t know that I can refuse.”

“Dumbledore made a request,” said Sirius. “He _asked_ you to help with something, and that leaves you the option to either say yes or no. You asked me for my opinion, and I think you should say no.”

Remus sighed and rubbed his face with both hands. “I think I need to say yes.”

“You’re insane. You’ll get yourself killed.”

“Everyone’s made sacrifices, you’re right,” said Remus. “You lost your brother. James is spending time away from his pregnant wife. I think it’s my turn to give a bit extra.”

Sirius shook his head, formulating ways he might force Remus to turn this down. “This is too much. You can help out in some other way.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to say yes.”

On a chilly evening at the beginning of June, Remus left the flat for his first week-long mission embedded among the werewolves. Contact with Sirius was forbidden during the mission to maintain his cover. For about six hours, Sirius was able to fool himself into thinking that Remus had just gone to the shops. But as the days stretched on, his mind spiraled into overdrive, thinking about everything that could be happening to Remus out there in the woods. In truth, he couldn’t possibly imagine what it might be like, but his mind was good at constructing horrifying scenarios that would threaten Remus’ safety. 

“You need to be more careful out here, mate,” said James, after a quick and dirty scuffle with some Death Eaters in a London back alley. “That last curse almost hit you.”

“I couldn’t put up a shield,” Sirius growled. “Not if I wanted to hit him. And I wanted to fucking hit him, and I did, so quit telling me how to fight.”

“Hey.” James grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him up against the nearest building. “I know you’re worried, all right? But I know you don’t want Remus to come home and find you hurt or dead. So just watch your back because I can’t constantly be watching it for you.”

“I don’t need you to watch my back,” said Sirius, pushing James away from him. 

They stared at each other for a moment, and Sirius could actually feel the multitude of hurtful things that James could say.  _ I’ve always had to watch it before because you’re a fucking mess all the goddamn time _ _.  _ Maybe that was Sirius’ own mind speaking, because James simply stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. 

“I’m sorry, this sucks,” he said, patting him on the back before pulling away. “This sucks for everyone, but it sucks a lot for you right now. Drink?”

Sirius nodded, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He was sure they’d come out after a few beers anyway, but it was better to keep up his facade for now. 

James took him out twice that week, and Sirius wished they could have spent every night together because at least it occupied his mind. But he could not, in good conscience, keep James away from Lily when they had precious little time together as it was. So instead he drank alone, in their flat, with the lights turned off. He was the absolute stereotype of someone waiting for a lover to come back from the war, but he didn’t care. He just wanted the week to be over.

The night before Remus was due to return, Sirius avoided alcohol and went to bed early. He didn’t want to be drunk or hungover when Remus got back. He wanted to be ready for whatever might happen, whether that was crying, talking, or welcome-home sex. 

Unfortunately he didn’t prepare for what actually happened. When Remus walked in the door, Sirius rushed to him, eager to see him and touch him again, to reassure himself that everything was fine. But when he held his arms out to welcome him home, Remus shied away, giving him an apologetic smile and placing his keys on the nearby table. 

“Er, welcome home,” said Sirius, thoroughly thrown off by this chilly reception.

“Thanks,” Remus sighed, dumping his rucksack on the floor and filling a glass with water. Sirius watched him chug the entire glass and then stare down at the sink for a moment. 

“How are you?” Sirius asked, feeling awkward. He hadn’t felt hesitant to talk to Remus since the incident with Snape and the Whomping Willow.

Remus turned to him, and Sirius could see the potential there. A certain look in Remus’ eyes told him that he wanted to spill his guts. He wanted to sit down with Sirius and tell him everything that had happened. But the look disappeared, as though Remus had drawn a veil over his face, and was replaced by the false resiliency Sirius knew too well from mornings after the full moon.

“I’m all right,” he said, but his voice sounded weak, as though he hadn’t spoken in a while. 

“And how...how was the mission?”

“It went about as well as you might expect,” said Remus. “Which is to say, not very well. But it was only a first try. We’ll make other attempts.”

Sirius hesitated, unsure of what to say. If only Remus had been his normal self, Sirius would’ve known what to do. Even if Remus had come home emotionally distraught, Sirius would have known how to handle it. He had no idea how to approach this chilly, professional version of the man he loved. All he could think was that if he’d come home like this after a mission, Remus would have asked him more questions, tried to get him to talk. Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus was already on his way out of the kitchen, heading down the hallway.

“What do you mean it didn’t go very well?” said Sirius, following him to the bedroom. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

Remus spun around in the doorway, a serious expression on his face. “I’m fine. And you know perfectly well that I can’t tell you what happened.”

“Yes, but --”

To Sirius’ absolute astonishment, Remus cut him off by shutting the bedroom door. He heard a click and, when he tried the doorknob, he found it was locked. 

Several hours later, Remus emerged from the bedroom inquiring about dinner, and they ordered a takeaway. Remus was silent as they ate, and then switched on the wireless. He leaned against Sirius as they listened to a Muggle jazz program. Eventually they went to bed, and Remus fell asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow. In the middle of the night, Sirius awoke to Remus cuddling against his back, and he pulled him in close.

Though Remus seemed back to his normal self a few days later, Sirius watched him like a hawk, on the lookout for any signs that he was hurting. All seemed well until Dumbledore approached him with another mission. Sirius saw the way Remus’ face fell when he read the message, and how he quickly regrouped to act as though it was all just business. When he returned that time, Remus was quiet and cold again. It was a week before he was back to normal. 

After his third mission, Remus came home and fell into bed in the early hours of the morning. Sirius stirred slightly, just enough to register that Remus was home and listen to his heavy breathing before falling back asleep. When he awoke several hours later, Sirius noticed blood on the bed sheets. 

“Remus? Hey, Remus, wake up.”

Remus groaned and shifted on the bed. As he turned over onto his back, Sirius gasped and woke him up. His eyes flew open and met Sirius’ gaze, still clearly exhausted.

“What happened?” said Sirius, not sure whether he should reach out or stay back. 

“Oh, fuck,” said Remus, closing his eyes again.

There was a large slash across Remus’ left cheek that was just barely scabbed over. That accounted for the bloodstain on his pillow. But the streaks of blood on the bed sheets were from Remus’ arms, which had been sliced so thoroughly that there was no question that scars would form. Remus moved to sit up, bending his arms to prop himself up, but winced at the way this irritated his wounds. He fell back against the bed, teeth gritted against the pain. 

Sirius stared at him wide-eyed and terrified. “What...what should I do? What happened? What do you need?”

“One question at a time, please,” said Remus, his eyes closed again. He took a few deep breaths and swallowed carefully. “I suppose...do we have anything to clean these wounds? I know exactly where those animals have been, and it’s certainly not clean.”

Sirius hurried to the bathroom and found their Essence of Dittany. He apologized to Remus in advance for the sting of the dittany, and then dabbed the liquid on each of the cuts on his arms. He wiped away the blood on Remus’ face, and then dabbed at the cut there too. Remus didn’t make a sound the entire time; he closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose, flinching every now and then but never crying out in pain. Sirius wanted to cry out for him, but he pressed his lips together and simply did what he could to help. 

When the wounds had been cleaned, Sirius got some bandages from their first aid stash and started binding up the wounds. Now Remus opened his eyes again, but he simply stared at the ceiling, clearly avoiding Sirius’ gaze.

“What happened?” Sirius asked again.

Remus sighed and turned his head to the side, away from Sirius. “I can’t go into specifics. The full moon is coming, and they’re not like me. They don’t suppress anything in the lead-up to the transformation. They embrace it all, in fact.”

The only preparations for a full moon Sirius had ever seen were Remus becoming testier each day, spending more time alone, and eating rather more chocolate than normal. In their years as friends and lovers, Remus had never physically lashed out at anyone, not even before the full moon. It had never occurred to Sirius that the days before the full moon might involve a desire for physical aggression. But then, perhaps it was just this pack’s way of embracing their animal qualities. 

“You know, there’s no point in bandaging me up,” said Remus. “I’ll tear open these same wounds in just a few days.”

“Even so,” said Sirius.

“In fact, I’ll have to take the bandages off when I go back. They’ll give away too much about my home situation. Have to remain undercover.”

“Are you going back next week?”

“I’m going back for the full moon,” said Remus, almost defensively, as though he knew Sirius would object. “It’s an essential part of gaining their trust.”

Sirius had to work very hard to shut up. Every cell in his brain was screaming at him to stop Remus somehow, to tell him that this was a bad idea. But it was clear that Remus had made up his mind to obey Dumbledore and do his dirty work among the creatures who reminded him of his own malady. Sirius wanted to find Dumbledore and punch his crooked nose.

“Are you worried?” he asked, trying to keep all emotion out of his voice. 

“It’ll be fine,” said Remus, his voice steady and even. But Sirius could see the storm brewing behind his eyes. He dreaded to think of what Remus would be like after the next mission.

“Promise me you’ll be careful,” he said.

Remus actually chuckled at this, looking more like himself for a moment. “I hope you realize that’s a slightly ridiculous request given where I’ll be. But yes, I’ll try, if you’ll do something for me.”

“Of course,” said Sirius. 

“Please distract yourself while I’m gone this time. Okay? I don’t care what it is, just don’t sit around here worrying.”

“Well, now who’s making ridiculous requests?” said Sirius.

“Please try,” said Remus. “Go out with James and Peter. Just pretend that I’m away on a normal mission, or visiting my parents or something.”

Sirius knew that Remus only wanted what was best for him, but if Sirius didn’t worry about Remus, who would? Up until that very evening, Remus had been coming home in one piece. In a way, Sirius’ brain thought that was due to all the worrying it had been doing. If he stopped worrying, if he didn’t think about Remus while he was gone, what might happen? 

But Remus was looking at him plaintively, having made a simple request. Sirius had never been able to refuse Remus anything, so why start now?

“I’ll try my best, I promise,” he said, leaning down to kiss Remus’ forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you,” said Remus, his voice barely a whisper. 

On the night of the full moon, Sirius was true to his word. Though he could see the moon from the window of the Muggle pub, he dutifully tried to ignore it and instead focus on James and Peter. But when he turned his attention to their conversation, he found they were talking about the war.

“It’s been really tough these past few weeks,” said Peter. “Kingsley and I were ambushed in the forests outside Malfoy Manor last week. Nearly didn’t get away.”

“I know,” said James, grimly. “Remus and I were attacked up at that mansion in Newcastle. I still don’t know how they could have known our tent was there.”

“Well, they must have broken through your protective charms,” said Sirius, distractedly. 

“Yeah, but it was so easy for them. They knew what they were looking for. Someone is feeding them information,” said James. “That has to be it. But who?”

“I have absolutely no idea,” said Sirius. 

“Well, what about Remus?” said Peter, taking a swig of his beer.

“Fuck off,” said James, loudly. Sirius set down his glass a bit too hard, beer sloshing onto the table. Other patrons of the bar actually turned to look. “Why the fuck would you say something like that?”

Peter shrugged, surprisingly nonplussed by James’ reaction. “It has to be someone close, in the inner circle. It has to be someone no one would suspect.”

“Right, so he’d just inform on himself and get attacked while staking out Death Eater headquarters?”

“It would make you suspect him less,” said Peter, simply. 

James and Peter stared each other down for what felt like a very long time, and Sirius began to wonder if this might come to blows. Then James looked away, shaking his head. “I’m going for a piss.”

“Pete, honestly,” said Sirius, once James was gone. “Where’d you come up with that?”

“I’m tired of being attacked,” said Peter, staring down at his beer. “If someone’s letting the enemy in on all of our secrets, then I want to know.”

“Sure, but Remus? I mean, you know that’s absurd, right?”

“Is it?” said Peter, taking a swig of his drink. “Do you honestly trust him?”

“Yes, of course,” said Sirius. “I mean, we’ve been together for four years. I trust him just as much as I trust you and James, if not more. Don’t you trust us?”

“I don’t know anymore,” said Peter, looking at Sirius rather pitifully. “Is this what you thought you’d be doing after school?”

Sirius scoffed. “Not by a long shot.”

“Right, exactly,” said Peter. “You know Remus is in with the werewolves now, don’t you?”

“Yes,” said Sirius, gritting his teeth. So much for keeping his mind off Remus’ mission. “Dumbledore asked him to infiltrate, to see if they’d come over to our side.”

“Ridiculous,” said Peter, shaking his head. “First off, they’ll never come to our side. Secondly, what is he thinking sending Remus in there?”

“I know,” said Sirius, the familiar anger bubbling up inside him. “This is the first full moon I haven’t spent with Remus in a long time. I can’t imagine what he’s going through.”

“Terrifying, right?” said Peter. “I mean, we were there to rein him in. And sometimes we couldn’t even manage that. He’s probably running wild over the moors somewhere.”

Sirius straightened up, one hand on his glass. “What?”

Peter took a long swig of his beer. “There were a few times when I thought he’d just disappear into the forest. He could give us the slip so easily.”

“That never happened,” said Sirius. “What are you talking about?”

Peter shrugged. “I dunno, maybe you didn’t notice because you two were always so close. But you see things when you’re smaller than everyone else, you know? I swear there were moments when he was just itching to get away, just waiting for an opening.”

“No,” said Sirius, staring at Peter in disbelief. “No, I don’t remember anything like that.”

“Now he’s in there, with people who understand him and know what he’s going through. That could change a person, I’d reckon.” 

Sirius was about to respond when James came sauntering back to the table. “Listen, lads. The war is off limits for the rest of the evening, right? Let’s talk about something else.”

“Hear, hear,” said Peter, raising his glass.

The rest of the evening passed by in a blur. As James and Peter prattled on about some Quidditch match, Sirius obsessed over every word Peter had said. Were there dangerous moments he hadn’t noticed? They’d had a rocky start when they’d first started transforming, but he’d never gotten the sense that Remus was trying to escape on purpose. His mind wasn’t his own, he couldn’t control what he was doing. It was their job to keep him safe, to keep him from escaping. Peter didn’t know what he was talking about.

But Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about the idea that Remus was among people who knew what he was going through. These werewolves were feral, experiencing every instinct that Remus had ever suppressed. No matter your intentions, ignoring all of those instincts had to be exhausting. Perhaps it was a release, now, to let those inhibitions go. Try as he might, Sirius couldn’t banish the thought completely. It curled into a ball in the pit of his stomach, waiting to unfurl and poison his mind again.

The day after the full moon, Sirius woke up disgustingly early on the off chance that Remus might be stumbling home before dawn. Sirius had not slept at all, and he was just beginning to feel hungover from his night with James and Peter. Conditions were not ideal, but he wanted to be awake when Remus returned. So he armed himself with water, coffee, and some leftover potstickers he found in the fridge, and waited. 

As the minutes and hours ticked by, Sirius fought back memories of his conversation with Peter. His mind went round and round in circles, until he was sat on the sofa convincing himself that Remus would be home soon. He wasn’t dead, he hadn’t decided to stay with the werewolves. He was walking up the road just now, he’d be unlocking the door any second. 

Eventually, those thoughts came to fruition. Sirius nearly cried with relief when Remus walked in the front door, hunched and exhausted. Sirius kept his distance, not wanting to jump on Remus when he knew he must have injuries. He watched as Remus peeled off his jacket, wincing as the fabric caught on his bloodied arms. There were a few shallow scratches on his face, and he was favoring his left leg more heavily than his right.

“How is...are you okay?” said Sirius. 

Remus glanced at him, frowned, and then bolted for the bathroom. Sirius was mere steps behind him, and he arrived just as Remus heaved into the toilet. Sirius knelt beside him, rubbing his back as he coughed and gagged. Eventually it all subsided and Remus leaned against him, breathing heavily. 

“It’s all right, it’s all right,” said Sirius.

“They’ve gone for Voldemort,” said Remus, wiping sweat from his brow. 

“That means it’s over? Thank fuck,” said Sirius, pulling Remus to his chest and kissing the top of his head.

“I tried, I truly tried,” said Remus, a sob creeping into his voice. “They can’t be reasoned with. There’s only so much you can promise someone when society has already cast them out so thoroughly. This can’t be solved by the Order, it can only be solved through politics. And it never will be, because...well, you know, we’ve discussed this enough.”

“I know, I know,” said Sirius, delirious with the thought that Remus never had to do this again. 

“I only just managed to get out,” said Remus, pushing back from Sirius and rubbing his eyes. “They told me they were on Voldemort’s side just before moonrise, and then I couldn’t leave. When I woke up this morning, someone was kicking me in the ribs and telling me to fuck off.”

“Oh, Remus.”

“I think I might need to see someone,” said Remus, massaging his chest. “I’ll talk to Dumbledore, maybe I can just see Madam Pomfrey again.”

“Fuck Dumbledore,” said Sirius, with such venom that Remus actually recoiled. “I’ll find you someone, money is no object.”

“I know that,” said Remus, gently. “But I can’t...I’m not registered. These injuries will raise red flags, I might get reported.”

Sirius sighed heavily and shut his eyes. His head throbbed too much for this, he was too young to be feeling this old. He wanted to punch something or someone, but he didn’t know who.

“Right,” he said, finally. “We’ll talk to him. Listen -- aside from the injuries, are you okay?”

Remus stared at him, looking as though he might be sick again. “Fenrir Greyback was there.”

Without a word, Sirius pulled Remus against him and held him as he sobbed. Then and there, Sirius made up his mind to never forgive Dumbledore. 

***********************

June was a trying month. As May came to a close, Remus’ undercover mission with the werewolves ended. He had only been embedded with them a few times, but it was long enough to leave a mark that he thought he might never lose. This bothered Sirius, he could tell, but there was nothing he could say to make Sirius feel better. Some nights it was all he could do to make himself feel better, and he often wasn’t very good at that. 

Remus knew from experience that you simply had to keep moving forward. If he stopped to dwell on all that had occurred during his missions, he might never get going again. So he simply ignored what had happened until it burst out of him at random moments. He was aware that this was the worst possible way to deal with anything, but there was a war on. The war seemed intent on creating new memories that Remus wanted to repress, and he wasn’t sure if they would bury the memories from his mission or simply add to a teeming sea of horrors in which he’d eventually drown. 

On good days, he didn’t think about his mission at all. It was impossible to stop thinking about the war, but at the very least he could stop thinking about his mission because he never had to go back there again. 

“I’m about to say the most stereotypically domestic thing you’ll ever hear me say,” said Remus, one Saturday afternoon. “Hang up your bloody bath towels when you’ve finished with them.”

In response, Sirius held up a middle finger from where he sat at the kitchen table, reading the  _ Prophet _ .

“Oh, yes, very mature,” said Remus, rolling his eyes.

Without looking up from the newspaper, Sirius said, “How can you care about bath towels when, not half an hour ago, I gave you the most amazing orgasm of your life?”

“I don’t recall saying that,” said Remus. 

“You did, though,” said Sirius. “I guess the throes of passion made you run your mouth.”

“I’ll make you run your mouth,” Remus threatened, striding over to the kitchen table. 

Before Sirius could argue, Remus pulled him into a kiss that lasted longer than either of them expected. During his mission, even on the days when he was back at home, Remus hadn’t felt up to any sort of intimacy. Sirius had respected this, bless him, but he was rather glad when Remus had initiated something the previous week. Now that the seal had been broken, they couldn’t keep away from each other. It felt like a second beginning to their relationship. 

Remus was about to suggest that they go back to bed, when an owl tapped its beak against their kitchen window. Sirius froze and Remus rubbed his cheek gently. 

“It’s all right,” he said. “I’ll get it.”

Owls had not been their friends of late. It seemed that every new message from headquarters brought news of foiled missions and attacks that went wrong. Remus couldn’t remember the last time they’d received good news via owl. Nevertheless, he tried to remain positive as he opened the window and took the scroll from the owl’s leg. When he unfurled the message, it became crystal clear that you couldn’t will good news to occur. 

Remus felt his mouth go dry and took care to read the message five times, just to make sure he was reading it correctly. He didn’t want to misread something and mistakenly deliver this news to Sirius. If he had his choice, he wouldn’t deliver the news to him at all. But when he glanced up from the scroll, he saw Sirius looking at him intently. 

“What is it?” he said.

“I’m afraid it’s not good news,” said Remus.

Sirius didn’t even blink. “Just say it. Why drag it out?”

Remus took a deep breath. “Gideon and Fabian have been killed.”

Sirius blanched and put a hand to his chest. “Both of them?”

Remus nodded. “It doesn’t say how, but I imagine Dumbledore will tell us in person.”

Sirius ran his fingers roughly through his long hair and began to cry. “Fucking…fucking Dumbledore. And this stupid bloody war.”

“I know,” said Remus, hurrying to sit beside him. He felt tears in his own eyes, thinking back to how GIdeon and Fabian had reacted when they’d learned of Remus and Sirius’ relationship. How adorably embarrassed Gideon had been when they’d found Caradoc in his flat. Oh, no -- Caradoc.

“How is this…? How is that even fair?” Sirius spluttered. “They were fucking...they’re only one year older than we are. They hadn’t even fucking _done_ anything yet. This is...oh, _fuck_.”

“It’s a bloody mess,” said Remus, rubbing Sirius’ back. 

Gideon and Fabian were the first members of the Order to be killed in action. There had been injuries, and there had been close calls, but there hadn’t been any casualties yet. It was baffling to Remus that they’d been the first to fall. The Prewetts were strong fighters, highly skilled in dueling, who’d received high marks at Hogwarts despite their antics. Their loss made it clear that anyone could be next. Anyone could have an off day or meet a particularly determined set of Death Eaters on the battlefield. Anyone could be outnumbered or caught unawares. 

They learned later that Gideon and Fabian had been ambushed by five Death Eaters in an alleyway right there in London. They’d fought two of the Death Eaters earlier that night, who’d apparently not taken too kindly to being humiliated by the brothers. So they’d brought back three of their friends to make the rematch especially unfair. Sirius cried over this loss for three nights in a row, and Remus simply held him, feeling his own version of sorrow. His instinct was to comfort Sirius, but he knew he couldn’t lessen the blow of this loss. This felt so close to the bone that it may as well have been James or Peter.

There wasn’t even time to contemplate a memorial service. One week later, James appeared on their doorstep to tell them his parents had died of Dragon Pox.

“They were only ill for a week,” he said, hunched over a cup of tea at their kitchen table. “They were old, I suppose. They’ve been old for a while, they were old when I was born.”

“That doesn’t make it any less sad or less difficult,” said Remus, casting a wary glance Sirius, who hadn’t said a word since James arrived. 

“Both at once,” he mused, staring at his tea. “Pretty cruel, when you think about it.”

Remus sighed. “These days it seems like there’s nothing but cruelty in the world.”

“Merlin’s beard, that’s grim,” said James, shaking his head and finally taking a sip of his tea. 

Remus didn’t respond. He felt incredibly tired, more tired than usual. On a normal day he was at least fifteen percent more tired than his friends, especially James and Sirius with their frenetic energy. These days he felt like an old man, weighed down by what he had to forget each day. Sometimes, in the dark, wee hours of the morning, he allowed himself an ounce of self-pity. He allowed himself just ten minutes to silently fume and scream at the world that had given him so much to handle. But those ten minutes passed, and he carried on. Remus imagined James had never had a real, legitimate reason to fume and scream at the world until now.

“I suppose the house is mine,” said James. “But I don’t even want it. What would I do, live there with Lily? Everything there would remind me of them, and how they aren’t around to see their grandchild. Sirius -- are you okay?”

Remus startled, glancing over to find Sirius crying silently behind a sheet of black hair. His shoulders shook and his breath hitched, and he flinched away when Remus tried to touch his shoulder.

“You’re not the only one who’s going to miss them,” he said, so softly they almost couldn’t hear him. 

“I know, mate,” said James. “That’s why I came over in person. Especially after Gideon and Fabian. I wanted to give you the news myself.”

“They did more for me than my own parents,” said Sirius, haltingly, as he gasped for breath. “They made me feel so welcome in your home. I never...I didn’t know…”

“Oh, Sirius.” Remus moved to hug him, but Sirius stood up from the table, hands clenched into fists. He took a shaky breath and then walked to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

Remus and James were quiet for a moment, both looking at the closed door. Remus could imagine Sirius crying and pressing his face into his pillow. He wanted to go after him, but Sirius had given him space after his hellish mission. The least he could do was give him the same space to deal with this the way he wanted to.

“How are you?” said James, tired eyes squinting at Remus across the table.

Remus wasn’t sure where it came from, but a laugh bubbled up from inside him. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “God, James, I dunno. How are you?”

James chuckled. “Yeah, I know. Lily’s fit to burst, and she doesn’t need any more reasons to cry, what with the hormones. But more reasons just keep coming up.”

James organized a memorial for his parents, mainly attended by his close friends and members of the Order, including Dumbledore. A few distant family members attended as well, to pay their respects, but James wasn’t up to the task of playing host to them. Lily stood beside him to greet the other guests, politely nodding and filling in the small talk gaps when James lost his words. She was quite heroically pregnant now, and Remus found her massaging her belly in the kitchen as the memorial stretched on.

“Shouldn’t you be sitting down somewhere?” he inquired.

Lily waved him off. “It’s nothing. Pregnant women used to roam the fields and till the land.”

“Yes, but people used to die at the age of thirty back then,” said Remus. “Or sooner. Often during childbirth.”

“All right, all right, I’ll sit down,” said Lily. “Later. Anyway, how are things?”

“Lily, I’ll be completely honest with you,” said Remus. “Things are shit. But I have a feeling you know that.”

Lily nodded, one hand resting on top of her belly. “I didn’t really plan for something like this to happen while things were so...shit. I’d really prefer that things weren’t shit so that little Harry here could have something a bit better than shit. But beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose.”

“My mother’s always been very adamant about that,” said Remus, smiling at her. 

Lily gave him a smile, squeezed his hand, and then waddled off to find James again. Left on his own, Remus stared around the kitchen, thinking back to that summer when Sirius had been so awkward around him. There was still a small tin of chamomile tea on the Potters’ countertop, just waiting for Sirius to come round again. The last Remus had seen, Sirius was sitting five steps up on the main staircase, arms crossed over his chest, a morose expression on his face. He’d cut his hair for the occasion, remarking that Mrs. Potter had always liked it better that way. Though he hadn’t gone as short as third year (the last time his hair had resembled a traditional boys’ cut), Sirius’ trimmed hair made him look younger. It made Remus think back to simpler times.

“That was a fun summer, the last time we were here.”

Remus jumped, having been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed Peter come into the kitchen. “Hi there, Pete. Have you perfected that sneaking charm at last?”

Peter chuckled. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Right. That was...I was just thinking about that summer.”

Peter smiled and nodded. “Seems like the last time we all really hung out.”

“It has been a while,” Remus admitted. “I suppose we didn’t plan on the war, though.”

“Too true,” said Peter. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m all right,” said Remus, with a sigh. He was beginning to tire of the question.

“I heard you were embedded with the werewolves,” said Peter. “That must have been awful, I’m sorry about that. Was Sirius mad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was Sirius upset that you agreed to go on the mission? Seems like he might have forbade you or something.”

“Well, he was upset that it was difficult for me. But I think he respected my decision to go.”

“Interesting,” said Peter. He didn’t say anything for a moment, then elaborated when he noticed Remus staring quizzically at him. “It’s just that he seemed really pissed off about it when he went for drinks with me and James. He said something about you being among your own kind and worrying that you’d go feral or something.”

Remus wasn’t sure what surprised him more -- what Peter had said or how it felt to hear the words. They landed like a blow to his stomach, sharp and direct. Sirius had never said anything like that to him. But then, they’d never been in this situation before, in the middle of a war, with Remus suddenly thrown into an enclave of werewolves. Perhaps it was something he’d thought about but had never had occasion to verbalize. What else did he secretly think about Remus?

He hesitated, unsure of how to respond. But Peter wasn’t offering any further information. “I don’t think I can imagine Sirius saying that, to be honest.”

“Yeah, it surprised me too,” said Peter. “But, you know, maybe some of his family’s old prejudices are still there? It can be hard to shake some of that stuff from childhood.”

“Right,” said Remus, mind still reeling from the word  _ feral _ . 

“Actually, Sirius has surprised me a lot since we joined the Order,” Peter continued. “I mean, why is he so angry at Dumbledore? I don’t get it.”

“He...he’s upset that we all have to fight,” said Remus. “Which, I mean, I understand that. We’ve only just left Hogwarts.”

“Didn’t you tell me Muggle guys our age usually fight Muggle wars?” said Peter. “Who does he think is going to fight -- guys who are Dumbledore’s age?”

Remus didn’t have a good answer for that question because his mind was tied up in knots. Perhaps Sirius had only said that because he was worried for him, worried that he’d hurt himself while on the mission. He’d said a lot of harsh things -- mostly about Dumbledore -- since the war had begun. Perhaps it was just stressing him out and making him say awful things. How could he possibly think that one mission with the werewolves would cause Remus to go  _ feral _ ? How could he think so little of him after all these years? After Remus had worked so hard to keep himself under control?

When he managed to crawl out of his spiraling thoughts, Peter was still standing there, looking concerned. 

“Thanks for the chat,” said Remus, absentmindedly. He turned to leave and ran directly into Sirius.

“Sorry,” said Sirius. “Can we go? I think...I’m just a bit done with all of this.”

“Sure, sure, of course. Let’s just go, we should tell James first, though. Come on, let’s find him,” said Remus, his words coming out rushed in an effort to sound normal, nonchalant.  

When they got home, Sirius turned on the wireless and curled up on the couch, clearly still in mourning. Remus puttered around the kitchen uselessly, knowing that he should sit with Sirius but worried that he’d blurt out something about the _feral_ remark. Now was definitely not the time for that discussion, not with Sirius’ head in such a dark place. If Remus was honest with himself, on this one rare occasion, he’d admit that he didn’t even want to talk about it. The comment bothered him, yes, but what good what it do to bring it up now? The mission was over, and nothing truly bad had happened. Why rehash some stupid remark when they were getting back to normal?

It would be better, Remus thought, if Peter had never told him. It would be better if he didn’t have to look at Sirius in a different light.

**************************

On a quiet Thursday morning in July, an owl came tapping at Remus and Sirius’ bedroom window. They were still in bed, having both been out on missions the night before. The tapping was gentle at first but became increasingly insistent until it was boring into Remus’ brain. With a frustrated sigh, he slid his legs off the bed and walked to the window, eyes still half closed. He took the message from the owl’s leg, patted it once on the head, and then went back to bed. 

“Whatsat?” said Sirius, mostly hidden beneath the duvet. 

“Message,” said Remus, struggling to open his eyes all the way. “Owl post.”

“What time’s it?” said Sirius. 

“No idea,” said Remus. “Arsecrack of dawn.”

“Leave it,” said Sirius, burrowing deeper into the bed. “S’probably bad news anyway.”

“Mmm,” said Remus, eyes drifting shut again. 

Sirius was probably right. The message likely contained more tragedy, and to say Remus had had his fill was an understatement. He’d spent the evening tracking a group of Death Eaters with Marlene, trying to anticipate their next moves, and eventually getting caught in a duel with them. He was exhausted, and he wasn’t particularly eager to read about another one of their mates being blown up or something. 

But as soon as he’d fallen asleep, Remus jolted back awake with a realization. With fumbling fingers and a tired brain, he found the small scroll in the folds of the duvet. As the world came back into focus, he unfurled the paper and read it quickly.

“Sirius,” he said, nudging his shoulder. “Sirius, it’s good news. Lily’s had the baby!”

Sirius sat up in bed and asked for clarification no fewer than five times. When, at last, he’d properly woken up and let the news sink in, they dressed and went to James and Lily’s flat. James had officially been a father for just a few hours, but he seemed different somehow. The grin he greeted them with was different from his In-the-Middle-of-a-Prank Grin, or his Quidditch Grin. He seemed humbled and pleased with himself at the same time -- it was a new look for him. 

“Congratulations,” said Sirius, pulling James into a hug.

“Thanks,” said James. “It was all Lily, but thanks.”

“How’s Lily doing?” Remus asked. 

“She’s great,” said James, still beaming. “And don’t worry, she gave me the okay to tell the two of you, and to let you come over.”

Remus nodded. “Is Peter coming?”

“I sent him an owl,” said James, shrugging. “Haven’t heard anything.”

They followed James to the bedroom, and Remus could already hear the soft cooing sounds of a baby as they approached the doorway. He felt a rush of excitement and confusion, both caused by the same thought --  _ one of my school friends has a son _ . Lily was lying in bed, hair an utter mess and skin flushed. She was grinning in the same manner as James, though, and in her arms was the guest of honor.

“Hi,” she said, waving one of his little baby hands at them. 

“Oh my God,” said Sirius. “James, he looks just like you.”

“I didn’t know babies could be born with that much hair,” said Remus. 

“I know,” said Lily, laughing. “I think James wanted him to be born holding a Snitch, frankly.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” said James, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. “Boys -- meet Harry James Potter.”

“Just had to get a bit of narcissism in there, eh?” said Sirius, winking at him.

“Hey, my middle name is Fleamont, so I’ve got to continue the tradition,” said James. 

“Do either of you want to hold him?” said Lily, glancing between them. 

Remus opened his mouth to refuse, too frightened that he might drop the precious bundle, but Sirius stepped forward and said, “Yes, of course.”

He took off his leather jacket and handed it to Remus, who was surprised at Sirius’ eagerness to hold the baby. He’d never talked about children before, about whether or not he wanted them. As Remus watched Lily hand him the baby, gently instructing him on how to support his head, he was struck by an idea. What if they were to adopt? It was a new and tantalizing image of what might be after the war. It had never occurred to him before, but now he made a mental note to discuss it later with Sirius. Sirius, who was now looking down at little Harry with an adoring expression. Yes, Remus thought, it might be nice.

James caught Remus’ eye and winked at him, as though he knew what he was thinking. Remus cleared his throat nervously. “He’s perfect, James. Congratulations.”

“He is, isn’t he?” James smiled widely as he watched his best friend cradling his newborn son. And there was that new look again -- he was almost on the verge of tears, but in a good way. Remus had never seen that look in his eye before, and he suddenly felt a rush of affection for his friend. James had come a long way from the boy who’d once stuffed a toad down the back of Lucius Malfoy’s trousers. He’d probably still do that today, but now with the mature sort of dignity befitting a father.

“Look, he’s fallen asleep,” said Sirius, whose thumb was now held captive by Harry’s tiny grip.

“Sirius,” said Lily. “We want you to be godfather. In case, you know, in case anything happens.”

“Well, nothing is going to happen,” said Sirius, with a certainty that Remus knew was false. “But if it does, I would be incredibly honored to take care of this little man.”

“If we could designate two people, you’d be the second,” said Lily, turning to Remus. “But my guess is that you’ll be there anyway, eh?”

“As long as he’ll have me,” said Remus, one hand on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius looked back at him, and they met somewhere in the middle, love radiating between them because they couldn’t resist the mood of the room. 

It was the first time in several months that Remus’ mind had felt clear. Sitting there, in the Potters’ bedroom, with a tiny new being sleeping after his entrance into the world, it felt like they were all just normal friends. He banished all thoughts of the war and forced himself to live entirely in the moment. He wanted to savor this warmth, the feeling of being surrounded by people bound together by love. The feeling that there was something larger than the battles they had to fight each night, and the bad news they received each morning.

  
  



	7. 1981

_ 1981 - Spring _

It was wet and miserable in England, and Dumbledore had called a meeting at The Hog’s Head. 

“One day,” Sirius mused, as he and Remus walked down Hogsmeade’s high street. “We’ll have a whole week where we don’t have to leave the flat. That’s what it’s come to, that’s what I dream of now.”

“Nothing to be ashamed of,” said Remus, smiling into his scarf. “I think it sounds lovely.”

“I appreciate the endorsement,” said Sirius, grinning at him. “You’ve just upgraded my dream to a week where we don’t leave the  _ bed _ .”

“Hmm, this is sounding better and better.”

Sirius’ dreams of a hermit lifestyle warmed Remus’ heart as his bones were subjected to the harsh winds of a Scottish spring. He moved closer to him, linking their arms as they continued toward the pub. Ever since Harry had been born, Remus had felt conflicted around Sirius. One moment, he would feel absurdly sentimental about their relationship. The next, Peter’s story about Sirius and that word -- _feral_ \-- would pop into his mind and make him rethink everything.

Of course, Christmas had messed him up as well. James and Lily, utterly exhausted from the trials of caring for a newborn, had invited their friends over for a casual holiday party. The warmth and cozy atmosphere in the Potters’ flat was exactly what Christmas should be. Remus and Sirius showed up on Christmas Eve and didn’t leave until Boxing Day. James and Lily insisted they were glad to have them, though Remus worried they were imposing. Despite Remus’ insistence that it was impractical, Sirius bought Harry a tiny leather jacket that could be worn in a few years, once he’d grown. Remus, who accepted the reality that Harry was still a baby, bought him some teething rings.

On Christmas night, Remus awoke to find Sirius climbing back into bed.

“Sorry,” he said. “Harry was fussing, and I woke up, so I decided to get him back to sleep.”

Remus stared at him in disbelief. “Who are you, and where has Sirius gone? I demand to know.”

Sirius smiled sheepishly at him. “What? I’m just helping out. After all, I am the godfather.”

For the umpteenth time, Remus gave thanks that Sirius had never seen the Muggle film named for his new role. He made a vow to himself that, come hell or high water, he would never allow Sirius to see it. The world wasn’t ready for the impressions that would no doubt occur as a result. It would never be ready for that.

“You’re very sweet,” said Remus. “Did you know that?”

Sirius shrugged, clearly embarrassed. “It’s my best friend’s kid. What do you expect from me?”

No matter what Sirius said about godfatherly duties and a responsibility he had to James, Remus knew that he was completely smitten with little Harry. In fact, he had a sneaking suspicion that James and Lily had let them stay for Christmas so they could have a bit of rest. They knew that if Sirius was around, he would be the one to jump when Harry cried. He had to let Harry go when it was time for him to breastfeed, but he did so very reluctantly. 

“Sorry, mate,” said James. “Gay or not, you’re not ogling my wife.”

During the holiday, as Remus watched Sirius tending to Harry and talking to him about all manner of things, he felt the same odd longing he’d felt on the day Harry had been born. He’d never wasted much time on the idea of having children, given his condition. He knew it wouldn’t be practical, and it might even be illegal in his case. But suddenly he found himself wondering about adoption, and whether it would even be an option for them. After all, the gay thing could be as much of an obstacle as the werewolf thing.

Of course he hadn’t talked to Sirius about this. The timing was wrong for a variety of reasons. They were too young, they were in the middle of a war, and everything in their lives felt like it might kill them at any moment. Aside from all that, there were Remus’ own doubts. As deeply as he felt his connection to Sirius and a longing for something more from their relationship, he felt sure that Sirius wouldn’t be with him for long. If he’d really said what Peter had relayed to Remus, he must have misgivings about the safety of being with Remus. He was probably just waiting for the war to be over, so that he didn’t leave Remus in the lurch. 

On Christmas day, a few Order members came by the Potters’ flat to say hello and cuddle Harry. The Longbottoms stopped by with their new baby -- Neville -- who was just as adorable as Harry, though Remus didn’t dare voice that opinion around Sirius. Peter had surprised everyone by showing up around lunchtime. Though he’d missed seeing Harry on the day he was born, Peter did stop by a week later to say hello and congratulate James and Lily. After that, he seemed to disappear again, and everyone speculated that Dumbledore had sent him on a special mission, though no one could work out what Peter’s special ability might be.

To Remus’ chagrin, Peter cornered him in the kitchen again with no one else around. “How is everything?”

“As well as can be expected,” said Remus. Why did people keep asking that question? Perhaps he could call a moratorium on it for the remainder of the war.

“Have you noticed anything strange about Sirius lately?” said Peter, not wasting any time. 

Remus sighed. “No, I really haven’t. In fact, I think you’ve been acting strangely. Where were you when Harry was born? We missed you.”

“I’ve been busy with Order work,” said Peter, appearing wounded by Remus’ suspicion. “I mean, I know we all have, but Dumbledore has had some extra missions for me recently.”

_ Hmm _ , Remus thought. That cleared up those rumors. Before he could ask him for details, Peter started speaking in hushed tones. 

“I was on a mission with Sirius in September. I swear to you, it was as though he’d never dueled before. I almost got hit by a curse, it was mad.”

“I’m sure he wasn’t trying to get you cursed,” said Remus. 

“How can you be so sure?” said Peter. “Especially when there’s a mole in the Order.”

“Did Dumbledore tell you that?” Remus asked, working hard not to show his surprise.

Peter nodded solemnly. “He says that must be what’s going on. Otherwise, how do you explain what happened to Gideon and Fabian?”

Remus knew the mission Peter was talking about. It had been a reconnaissance mission the morning after the full moon. So Sirius must have simply been knackered, right? But what if there was more to the story? After talking to Peter, Remus ducked into the loo and stood by the window, trying to remember everything he could about that full moon. Nothing seemed out of place, but could he even trust his own judgment now?

Despite his run-in with Peter, Remus was glad they’d stayed in town for the Potters’ party. But he found himself dreaming of Wales in the week before New Year’s. Not only would he welcome a respite from their daily lives, Remus would have appreciated a discussion with his mother. He felt certain that she could provide some insight into his feelings about Sirius. He’d have to be careful, of course, cherry picking his words, but his mother had always been able to help before. 

There had been no time to even write her a letter. After the start of the new year, missions began again in earnest. In February, Edgar Bones and his entire family were murdered, and the Dark Mark was left above their home. Edgar had recently joined the Order, and his murder was a clear message that Voldemort wasn’t going to tolerate the Order’s meddling anymore. At least, that’s how Remus saw it. To his surprise, Dumbledore saw it that way as well, and that led to the meeting that afternoon at the Hog’s Head.

When Remus and Sirius arrived at the pub, James and Lily were already there. They were bundled up against the cold wind that blew through the threadbare walls of their meeting place, and Lily was carrying what appeared to be a mound of blankets. 

“Why is he here?” said Sirius, gesturing at the bundle in Lily’s arms. “Are you mad? He shouldn’t be out in this weather.”

“We took the Floo Network, Sirius. Relax,” said Lily, rocking Harry gently. 

“Unsafe,” said Sirius, pointing his finger at her. “Besides that, you know how horrible it feels to travel by Floo. Imagine how uncomfortable he was.”

“He slept through it,” said James, smirking at Sirius. “Now go hang up your mother hen apron. Dumbledore will be here any minute.”

“Is it just us, then?” said Remus, glancing around the pub. The only other person he saw was Aberforth, who stood behind the bar washing out a line of glasses.

“Peter should be coming as well,” said James. “It’s a bit spooky, though, the fact that he only wanted to talk to the five of us.”

“I dunno,” said Sirius, smirking. “McGonagall was always singling us out as well. We’re very popular blokes, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“And I’m chopped liver?” said Lily.

“You’re an honorary marauder,” said Sirius. “That means you benefit from our popularity.”

“Not sure that’s the type of popularity I want,” said Lily, winking at him. 

“Just you wait,” said Sirius. “Young Harry’s got the blood of a full-blown marauder  _ and  _ an honorary marauder. He’s going to raise hell, this one, mark my words.”

“I can’t see how we could be in trouble,” said Remus. “For once we’ve been putting our so-called marauder skills to good use.”

“Oh,” said Sirius, sardonically. “Is this what we were training for?”

Just then, the door to the Hog’s Head flew open, bringing with it even more of the chill wind from outside. Lily held Harry close to her, shielding him from the cold. Peter stood in the doorway, with Dumbledore just behind him. 

“I met the final member of our party on the high street,” said Dumbledore, his hand on Peter’s shoulder. “I must apologize for my lateness. But now that we are all present, let’s discuss the matter at hand. “

Peter looked pointedly at Remus, who was eager to make it seem like Peter’s gossip had had no effect on him. He stood by Sirius and took his hand, more to prove a point than anything else. Peter gave him a sad look and went to stand by James. As soon as their hands were joined, Remus’ began to feel sweaty. Was he doing the right thing? What if Peter was right? 

“As I’m sure you know, the war has taken a turn recently,” said Dumbledore. “It’s been more and more difficult to gain ground, and I worry that someone on our side is feeding information to the Death Eaters.” 

There it was. Remus let go of Sirius’ hand, almost unconsciously, as he ran through a mental list of Order members. Who could be informing on them? Everyone seemed dedicated to the cause, everyone seemed to be fighting for their side. But he supposed that was the goal of a mole -- to seem as dedicated as possible to allay suspicion. The idea that it could be anyone in this room, in his old group of friends, made him feel ill. 

“We have now lost three very important Order members -- Gideon and Fabian Prewett, and Edgar Bones. Edgar’s family was caught in the conflict as well, and that has made me think about the safety of your families.”

“You don’t have to worry about mine,” said Sirius, chuckling. “They’re all a bit busy wearing masks and making mischief.”

James nudged him in the ribs. “Hey, what did I tell you? We’re your family.”

Remus didn’t dare look over at Peter. He wondered if Peter had said anything to James about what he suspected of Sirius. He probably knew better than that. He probably knew that James would shout him down at the first sign of such dissention in the ranks, and that was probably why he was venting everything to Remus instead. Remus tried to calm his brain and focus on what Dumbledore was saying. 

“Now, I believe your families are all still safe. We’ll continue our rotating system of Secret Keepers to keep them hidden,” said Dumbledore. “However, I’ve recently become worried about the new families that have begun inside the Order.”

Even with Sirius standing between them, Remus could feel James tense up. This was what he’d been fearing for the better part of a year, and Remus knew he was prepared for a fight.

“James, Lily, I’m recommending that you go into hiding immediately,” said Dumbledore. “I’m recommending that Alice and Frank Longbottom take the same precautions.”

“Into hiding?” said James, slowly, as though he didn’t understand the words. “I thought...I thought you might just take us off the battlefield, keep me back from a few more missions.”

“What exactly does ‘in hiding’ mean?” Lily asked. 

“I have a safe house for you to move into,” Dumbledore explained. “A member of the Order will be with you at all times.”

“We’re members of the Order,” said James. “Don’t you think we can defend ourselves? I think we’ve done pretty damn well so far.”

“You and Lily have both performed admirably,” said Dumbledore. “I would feel more comfortable, however, if you had some extra protection.”

James folded his arms over his chest. “How long will this last for?”

“I’m afraid I can’t say,” said Dumbledore.

“Until the end of the war?” said Lily. “Who knows when that will be?”

“I know you both want to continue fighting,” said Dumbledore. “And I have certainly appreciated your contributions to the cause. But now, I must ask you to consider the safety of your child.”

James, still clearly against the idea, turned to Sirius. “Tell him we can defend ourselves, mate. This is absurd, right? I mean, why would Voldemort even care about us?”

“He tried to recruit you,” said Sirius. “And I’m willing to bet that he’s not too keen on a Muggle-born getting together with a pureblood wizard. Don’t look at me like that -- those are his beliefs, not mine.”

“Yeah, but us specifically? I mean, who are we?”

“You’re young parents,” said Dumbledore. “You’re resistance fighters, and you would make another perfect example of Voldemort’s power if he killed you. Gideon, Fabian, Edgar Bones...these killings were only the beginning. If Voldemort wants to send a larger message, you are prime targets.”

“Honestly,” said Sirius. “This is new for me, but I’m with Dumbledore on this one.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said James. 

Lily sighed. “He’s right, James. If it’s for Harry…”

She trailed off, and Remus saw James’ face fall. There was no way he could argue with that. He may believe that they could defend themselves, but why should they turn down extra protection when it came to their son? 

The next day, James and Lily left their flat for a cottage in Godric’s Hollow. Only the people inside the Hog’s Head on that cold spring day knew where they were staying. 

*******************************

“Yes, indeed, it has been a pretty tough year for the Hogwarts Queer Club.”

Remus smiled at the mention of the old name he’d given to the small group of queer folks he’d known about back at school. It seemed like a lifetime since he and Sirius had been snogging in empty classrooms, running into Marlene and Dorcas. On this particular night, the Queer Club was reduced to himself, Sirius, and Caradoc, all on their way to being magnificently drunk. Sirius had had a rough reconnaissance mission that morning and had insisted upon alcohol. With James and Lily holed up, Remus had suggested inviting Caradoc out. Apart from the fact that he liked him, he thought Caradoc could use a drink as well.

“First,” Caradoc continued, holding up his index finger. “Kingsley Shacklebolt confirmed to me that he is tragically heterosexual.”

Sirius gasped dramatically. “However did you find this out?”

“I propositioned him,” said Caradoc, just barely containing a hiccup.

“But...those muscles,” said Sirius, so sadly that Remus had to laugh. 

“One’s muscles are not an indicator of one’s sexuality,” he said. “Just look at yourself.”

“How dare you?” said Sirius. “I invite you to take a look in the mirror, Mr. Shrimp.”

“Second,” said Caradoc, not to be waylaid in his listing of miseries. “Our dearest Marlene was injured in the line of battle.”

“You might say,” Sirius interjected. “That that came down on our side, since it meant she got to spend more time with Dorcas.”

“Too true,” said Caradoc. “I’m sure the filthy Death Eaters would be happy to know they caused a little more lesbianism in our world.”

“Hear, hear,” said Remus, but he couldn’t help glancing around self-consciously. Luckily, the _Muffliato_ spell he’d cast seemed to be holding, as no patrons of the Muggle pub were looking at them suspiciously or otherwise.

“Third,” said Caradoc, taking a swig of his drink. “Our dear Frank got married to a woman.”

“Oh, come off it, you can’t list that as a tragedy,” said Sirius. “If I hadn’t scooped up this fine specimen of a man, he might have found a lovely woman to marry.”

“Indeed. But you did scoop me up, you lucky boy.”

Sirius smiled lasciviously at him and leaned in for a kiss. Remus gently put a hand on his chest to hold him at bay. Muffliato didn’t make bystanders blind, after all. Sirius backed off, but Remus could tell he was hurt. 

“Finally,” said Caradoc, a sloppy smirk on his face. “And here’s the kicker, a lovely young man...by the name of Gideon Prewett...was blasted into oblivion by some wankers.”

“I’m so sorry, Caradoc,” said Remus. “I don’t think we ever said.”

“S’all right,” said Caradoc. “Life goes on, the war goes on.”

“But you should mourn for him, if you want to,” said Remus. “How long were you together?”

Caradoc shrugged. “Only a few months. We weren’t living together, I just stayed over at his place a lot. We liked each other, we were having fun.”

“Poor bastards,” said Sirius, staring darkly into the distance. Remus rubbed his forearm, hoping to ground him somehow so he didn’t fall too deeply into those thoughts. 

Caradoc sighed, shook his head, and raised his glass to them. “On the plus side, you two are still together. Don’t worry about me, I’ll find someone else. You know, maybe after all this nonsense is over.”

“Who knows if it’ll ever be over, at this rate,” said Sirius.

Remus squeezed Sirius’ wrist, desperately trying to think of something else to talk about. The problem was, the war was what they all had in common. It was like being in the same line of work and finding oneself unable to talk about anything but office woes. Eventually Caradoc mentioned something about the upcoming Quidditch season, and Sirius perked up a bit. Though he didn’t care one whit about Quidditch, Remus gratefully chimed in with what little knowledge he had.

At the end of the evening, Sirius took care of the bill, and they ventured into the chilly evening. Remus pulled the collar of his coat up against the stiff breeze and wished, for the umpteenth time, that he could put his arm around Sirius on the street. Best not to risk it, though. 

“Take care of yourself, men,” said Caradoc, when they reached the street where he turned to head back to his flat. 

“Should we walk with you?” said Remus. “Just to make sure you get home?”

“Don’t be silly,” said Caradoc. “I’m fine, the night is young, and I can take care of myself.”

Sirius gave him a long look, then sighed and pulled him into a hug. “We’ll see you later. Maybe next week? We should do this again.”

Caradoc nodded. “The queers have to stick together.”

Remus hugged him, patting his back. “Get home safe.”

Caradoc gave them a small salute and flashed his winning smile. Then he turned on his heel and headed for home, whistling softly to himself. Remus and Sirius watched him go before turning toward their own flat.

Caradoc Dearborn was never seen again. No body was found, but the Dark Mark hung over the building where he’d lived.

******************************

_ 1981 - Summer _

Sirius turned his face toward the sunshine and the warm breeze. It was the warmest day of the year so far, and he was grateful to be outside for it. Somewhere to his left, Harry let out a squeal of joy, and Sirius opened his eyes just in time to see him go zooming past. 

“Quidditch is obviously in his future,” he said, chuckling and glancing back at James.

“As much as that excites me,” said James, leaping after Harry as he flew toward the back of the garden. “I sort of hate you for giving him this broom.”

Just as James got close enough to grab Harry, the broom shot off at a right angle, toward the back of the house, where it lifted up and made a short curlicue in the air. James hovered below his son, a terrified expression on his face, but Harry just laughed and grinned. 

“Is everything okay out here?” said Lily, coming to the back door. 

“Perfectly fine,” said James. “We just made a grave error in our choice of godfather.”

Sirius grinned at Lily and waved from his deck chair. 

“Well, it must be safe if it was made for children,” said Lily. “Look out!”

James whirled around just in time for Harry to run smack dab into his chest. As James fell backward, he closed his arms around Harry, finally succeeding in trapping him. The broom continued on, up into the sky and then down toward the lawn, making more complicated shapes in the air now. Harry began to cry.

“It’s all right,” said James, rubbing his back. “The mean broom is gone now.”

“Hey, he loves the broom,” said Sirius. “He’s crying because you’ve taken it away now.”

James frowned at him. “Here we are, in hiding, trying to keep safe, and you bring a demonic broom over here.”

“It’s a child’s toy!” said Sirius, laughing. “I thought he’d have fun with it, and he clearly loves the thing.”

“Give him to me, James,” said Lily, holding out her arms. “I think he needs to be changed anyway.”

James handed Harry to Lily, who kissed his cheeks and carried him inside as he continued to wail. James watched them for a moment, then came to sit in the deck chair beside Sirius. 

“It’s just a toy, honestly,” said Sirius. “I wanted to make up for missing his birthday.”

“I know, he’s just...giving me a heart attack,” said James. He shifted around on his deck chair, seeming to be in search of a comfortable spot. But Sirius knew him too well; he was working himself up to saying something, to broaching some topic. It would always be this way in the common room, when James wanted to talk about Lily but was too bashful to start, or when he wanted to ask Sirius what was wrong.

Finally, James spoke, “Hey, erm. Do you want to tell me why you were crying when you showed up here?”

Sirius sighed and fished a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He took his time sliding out one perfect cylinder, lighting it, and taking that first drag. Once he’d blown out his first smoky breath, he said, “It was raining. That was, er, rain on my face.”

“Sirius.”

“What? What do you want me to say?” Sirius took another drag. “Maybe I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe everything is the fucking worst right now, and I’d rather just watch my godson zoom around on a toy broom. I didn’t think that was too much to ask.”

James was quiet, then. Sirius knew what he was doing, because they’d had this exact conversation many times before. The circumstances had been different, and the hurt had been from a different source, but it all followed the same pattern. He took a few more drags from his cigarette, trying to prolong the silence. Eventually he’d crack, because he hated the fucking silence, but he wanted to make James wait.

“Benjy Fenwick,” he said, finally, just barely managing to keep his voice steady. 

Beside him, James let out an audible breath. Sirius stared straight ahead and tried to think of something else.

“You were...was that your mission?” James asked.

Sirius nodded and brought his cigarette to his lips again. “That was my mission.”

“Were you there, or was it clean-up?”

Sirius thought about buying the toy broom. He’d gone to Diagon Alley straight from his mission, wanting to do something different, something that normal people did. It was bad enough, he thought, that he’d had to miss Harry’s birthday. But to have been on that mission instead was a kick straight to the bollocks. He’d overpaid for the broom, not caring how many coins he tossed from his pocket. The shopkeeper had called after him, but Sirius just kept walking. 

“I was there,” he said, grinding his cigarette against the arm of the deck chair. It left an ugly mark, and Sirius winced on behalf of the wood. “Fuck. Sorry.”

“What? Oh, it’s fine,” said James, waving his hand at the chair. “Is it true? What Moody said?”

Stubbing out the cigarette had felt good, but now Sirius just wanted another. “As far as I know. I think the biggest piece they found was an ear. I could be wrong. Perhaps they found a whole kneecap. I wasn’t on the clean-up crew, thank fuck.”

James didn’t respond, and Sirius couldn’t blame him. There was no way to respond after learning that someone you’d worked alongside had been blasted into tiny pieces. James might find it hard to believe, but Sirius could vouch for it all. He’d been there. He’d been standing right next to Benjy. One minute he was there, and the next he wasn’t.

“Everyone’s dying,” he said, flicking his spent cigarette into the grass that stretched in front of him. “I rather think that’s a bad sign for our side, eh?”

“Well, I wouldn’t know,” said James, a bitter twist to his voice. “I’ve been here, inside this house, for the past six months.”

“You’re better off,” said Sirius, quietly. 

“Don’t tell me I’m better off, don’t do that,” said James.

“I’d rather you were here than out there, where Benjy Fenwick was.”

That shut him up. Sirius knew that James hated it here. Somewhere deep down he must have been grateful to Dumbledore for the help and the safehouse. But mostly he was just moody and upset about being cooped up. If Sirius was in his position, he’d probably feel the same. But just then, barely one week after seeing Benjy Fenwick explode, he was very glad his best mate was cooped up inside, and that his wife and son were with him. 

“So, where’s Moony?”

James always knew when to change the subject. Unfortunately, there were no good subjects these days. No matter where he’d turned, he was likely to have upset Sirius in a different way. Even Quidditch was no good, because England were having a shit season.

“Remus has gone to Wales,” he said. “On his own. I reckon he’s tired of me and my maudlin ways.”

“Sirius, you know that’s not true.”

“Really? I’ve been such a joy to be around?”

“We’re all having a rough time,” said James. “I’m sure he just needs some space.”

Sirius shook his head. “Nah. I suppose it’s hard for relationships to survive wars. You and Lily are doing fine, more power to you. Something….something’s been going on in his head ever since that awful mission with the werewolves.”

“Can you blame him, though?” said James. “I still can’t believe Dumbledore made him go. Did he ever tell you what happened?”

Sirius thought back to the day after the full moon, when Remus had returned to tell him the werewolves had gone for Voldemort. The most he would say was that Greyback had been there. That was all Sirius needed to know, really. He knew Remus wouldn’t want to talk about it, and he could fill in some of the blanks for himself. Perhaps Greyback had remembered him, after all these years. Even if he hadn’t, that monster couldn’t be a very fun camping companion. 

With each new setback in the war, with each new message about one of their number dying, Sirius could see the lines on Remus’ face grow deeper. He’d always looked older, more tired than the rest of them. But now he seemed heavy, sinking beneath the weight of everything they dealt with on a daily basis. Sirius even saw the fatigue on his own face, when he shaved each morning. Mostly he tried not to look too hard. 

“I’m sure things will be better when he gets back,” said James. “Sometimes couples need time apart, especially under these circumstances.”

“Do you and Lily need time apart?”

James looked sheepish and shrugged. “No. But we’re married. And we have a kid.”

“Right,” said Sirius.

“Listen,” said James. “I’m sorry. About everything. I wish I could make it go away. I wish we could trade places or something, because you could use a fucking break, mate.”

Sirius chuckled. “I appreciate the sentiment. Remus told me, once, about these soldiers in one of the Muggle wars. They’d be so tired of battle that they’d shoot themselves in the foot just to be sent home.”

Finally, Sirius glanced over at James, and he was surprised by the look of shock and sadness on his friend’s face. All at once, Sirius wanted to cry again. 

“Please don’t do anything drastic,” said James. “I really...I can’t lose you, too.”

Sirius plastered a fake smile on his face and reached out to grip James’ shoulder. “Don’t worry about me, Prongs. I’ll make it through.”

*****************************

_ 1981 - Fall _

When Remus returned from Wales, he felt refreshed. But he returned to an angrier, sadder Sirius than the one he’d left, if that was even possible. After Caradoc had gone missing, they’d had an ugly fight about leaving that night instead of walking him home. Remus accused Sirius of not taking the war seriously. Sirius accused Remus of wanting to sleep with Caradoc. Horrible things were said, Peter’s accusations rang in his ears, and the whole thing left a sick feeling in Remus’ stomach. So he’d packed a bag and run away to his parents’ house.

The air seemed fresher in Wales, but it was probably just a byproduct of being away from his troubles. For the first few days, he regressed to his teenage years, which weren’t even that far behind him. He spent an entire day lying in bed reading books, setting each one on the floor as he finished it. He watched the telly with his dad, he cooked dinner with his mum, and he spent afternoons alone by the sea. 

Finally, after a week of ignoring why he’d actually come to Wales, Remus approached his mum with the thoughts that had been tumbling around his head for months. Hope listened patiently, waiting for Remus to finish everything he’d set out to say.

“Sweetheart, this is going to sound too simple to be true,” she said, when he was done. “But communication is the key to everything. I know that you and Sirius are in a bad situation because of this war, and it might be hard because you don’t actually want to talk about everything. But talking helps a lot, it really does.”

“Sometimes it feels like it wouldn’t help,” said Remus. “When I was...I had a dangerous mission last summer, and it wasn’t something I particularly wanted to discuss. It might have helped with these trust issues, but I didn’t want to relive it.” 

Hope’s eyes flickered with worry when Remus mentioned his ‘dangerous mission,’ but she didn’t dwell on it. “You could at least tell him that. Just let him know _why_ you don’t want to talk, so that he has some context and isn’t left jumping to conclusions.” 

Remus nodded, feeling a desperate need to take notes. “What about the whole...children thing?”

Hope smiled kindly at him. “I think it’s a wonderful idea, dear. But just know that both people need to be on board for something like that. It’s a big commitment for everyone involved.”

After two weeks in his parents’ house, Remus felt ready to return to his life. The trip offered him much-needed distance from everything, and he knew it was time to come home when he realized that he missed Sirius.

Sirius, on the other hand, had spent those same two weeks mired in the war. Though Sirius wouldn’t talk about it, Remus heard secondhand that he’d been on the battlefield with Benjy Fenwick. That fact helped him make sense of the dark circles beneath Sirius’ eyes and the way he snapped when provoked even slightly. But he was still at a loss for how to help him move past any of it. When he tried to engage in normal conversation, he was met with one-syllable answers. When he tried to discuss what he’d talked through with his mother, Sirius made excuses and ran away. How was he supposed to communicate with someone when they clearly didn’t care what he had to say? 

The break in the wall came one night when Remus awoke to the sound of Sirius shouting. He grabbed his wand and rolled over, frantic about what he might find, but all he saw was Sirius thrashing against his pillow, eyes still shut. He wasn’t saying words, but was simply shouting into the bedroom, clearly in distress. 

“Sirius,” said Remus, trying to sound firm rather than frightened. “Sirius, wake up. You’re having a nightmare, please wake up.”

After what felt like too long, Sirius’ eyes snapped open and he stopped shouting. For a moment he tried to push Remus away, his mind still caught in whatever horror he’d been immersed in. Remus flinched away, but then reached out again, steadying Sirius by his shoulders. 

“It’s me,” he said. “It’s just me, you’re okay.”

The confusion dropped from Sirius’ eyes and was immediately replaced by a flood of tears. As Sirius began to sob, Remus lay down beside him and pulled him into his arms. Sirius rested his head against Remus’ chest as he cried. He tried to talk, but everything came out garbled. 

“Fenwick...explosion...f-fucking disaster,” he sobbed. 

Remus held him tightly, wishing there was something he could say. But he just kept repeating “it’s okay” over and over, as though that would make it true. 

When Sirius had calmed down a bit, he said, “You were there. In my dream, it was you instead of Benjy.”

Remus closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against Sirius’ damp hair. “It was just a dream, it wasn’t real. Look, I’m here, and I’m whole. We’re okay.”

In that moment, it was true. But Remus said it knowing that they might not be okay tomorrow, or a week from then. He willed himself not to think of that, and to simply enjoy the smell of Sirius’ hair and the feel of him pressed close to his body. But the danger was always there, lurking in the corner of his mind, never content with being ignored. 

After the nightmare, Sirius seemed somehow lighter. It was as though his brain had just needed to work through the latest round of horrors, and now he could be closer to normal. 

“That tea is going to be appalling,” said Remus, as they walked home from the supermarket one afternoon. “I don’t know if I can allow you to make it using my kettle.”

“The tea won’t touch your precious kettle,” said Sirius. “But I would like to use your lovely ceramic teapot to brew a whopping great pot of my new hibiscus tea. Then I’m going to sit beside you and drink it all, one cup at a time, staring at you the entire time.”

“You’re dreadful,” said Remus, but he couldn’t hold back a grin. A Sirius who could joke like this was much preferred to a Sirius who had nightmares and didn’t speak very much. 

Back at the flat, Remus unpacked their groceries and Sirius put everything away. When Remus came to the hibiscus tea, he shook his head and watched Sirius trying to fling a package of kitchen roll into their highest cabinet. Remus sighed and went to help him.

“Hey,” he said. When Sirius turned to look at him, Remus took the kitchen roll before he could argue and set it easily in the tall cabinet. “I’m sorry I went to Wales without you.”

Sirius shrugged. “You needed space, I get it. I thought you were leaving me, but you’ve been back for a few months now and you haven’t been living out of a suitcase or anything.”

Remus leaned down and kissed his forehead. “I’m not leaving you. But I do think we should talk.”

“Is this advice from your mother?” said Sirius, smiling knowingly. 

“Perhaps,” said Remus. “You have to admit, though, that we’ve been shit at talking about things.”

“Which is weird, because we used to talk _too much_ when we were in school.”

“Indeed. Your levels of personal disclosure were often troubling, I have to say. I know far more than I ever wanted to know about what changes when a man transforms into a dog.”

“Judge me all you like,” said Sirius. “You’re the one who has sex with me.”

Remus frowned and opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted by an owl at the kitchen window. By now they knew that Dumbledore used the simple tawny owls found at Hogwarts to send his messages discreetly. A tawny owl had brought the news of Regulus, Gideon and Fabian, Edgar Bones, and everything in between. A tawny owl now sat patiently on the narrow ledge outside their kitchen window. 

“Push it off the ledge,” said Sirius. 

“I’m not going to commit violence against owls,” said Remus. “Even if we do know who this is from.”

Sirius was never going to open the window, so Remus reached forward to undo the latch and push the window out so the owl could get inside. He took the message and shooed the owl away, shutting the window before turning back to Sirius. There was nothing to say, no magic spell to make the message contain good news. So Remus simply unfurled the message. 

Marlene and Dorcas were dead. They suspected that Voldemort had killed them personally. Remus read the words four times to make sure he wasn’t mistaken. On the fourth time, he began to cry and shoved the message into Sirius’ hands. There was a ringing in his ears that blocked out everything else. He saw Sirius reacting, saw him shouting and shoving their groceries off the kitchen table, but he didn’t hear anything. He walked aimlessly around the flat, dipping into the bathroom, staring into their bedroom, before finally sitting down heavily on the couch. His face was wet with tears, but he felt oddly numb.

Two days later they held a memorial. Sirius had always felt guilty for not having some type of service for Gideon and Fabian, so he insisted on putting something together for Marlene and Dorcas. The members of the Order all met at the Hog’s Head and raised a glass to their fallen comrades. It ended up being a memorial for everyone they’d lost so far, and it was a somber affair. Though most people dressed up, Sirius wore his leather jacket, insisting that it was what Marlene would have wanted. 

James and Lily were unable to attend the memorial, but Lily sent Remus something to read aloud for her. It was a story about one evening in the Gryffindor common room, when Lily was upset about someone calling her a Mudblood. Marlene had comforted her, and then grilled her about who’d said it. Lily eventually told her it was Evan Rosier, and Marlene stomped out of the common room. The next morning, Rosier had shown up to breakfast with a magnificent black eye, and Marlene had looked very pleased with herself.

“I heard they were walking home when it happened,” said Emmeline. “I think it might have been Rosier, actually.”

“Ironic,” said Kingsley, a foul expression on his face.

“I thought it was You-Know-Who himself,” said Remus.

Emmeline nodded. “But Rosier was part of the round-up crew.”

“What does that mean?” said Remus.

“Apparently they were ambushed in London and taken to wherever You-Know-Who is holding court these days. I shudder to think what happened there, but some Death Eaters brought the bodies right back here, to the Hog’s Head, for Aberforth to find.”

An involuntary shiver ran through Remus’ body. To think that they were holding the memorial in the same spot where Marlene and Dorcas’ bodies had been left was awful. If he’d known, he would have found some other venue.

“They’re becoming more and more brazen,” said Kingsley. “Caradoc was picked off the streets of London. Now they leave Marlene and Dorcas where they know a member of the Order would find them? That was meant to send a message.”

Remus nodded. “They’re sending the message that we’re losing.”

“It would be hard to disagree with them,” said Kingsley. 

“I have the feeling they’ll just keep picking us off, one by one, until no one is left on our side,” said Emmeline. “Have we killed any Death Eaters?”

Kingsley shook his head. “But that’s on Dumbledore’s orders. He’s always told us to umask them or bring them in for questioning.”

Remus glanced up to where Dumbledore stood, talking to Dorcas’ parents. “When is he going to learn that we can’t always take the high ground?”

“Maybe when he’s the last one standing,” said Emmeline. 

After several hours of sharing Marlene-and-Dorcas stories, people slowly began leaving the memorial. Everyone left in groups, or at least in pairs, more fearful these days than ever before. Remus and Sirius stayed until the end, bidding Aberforth farewell and apparating back to their flat. Sirius collapsed onto their sofa, his leather jacket still on, and stared into the middle distance. Instead of bustling around the kitchen, as he normally would when Sirius fell into one of these moods, Remus sat beside him on the couch. 

“You can talk to me, if you want,” he said. “Or not, you don’t have to talk. We can just sit here.”

Sirius gave a heavy sigh and kneaded his knuckles across his forehead. “I have a splitting headache, and I want my friends to stop dying. What will end this bloody war?”

“I don’t know,” said Remus. He felt tightly wound, like he was primed for danger, though they were alone in their sitting room. “But we have to keep fighting.”

Sirius scoffed. “Really? We have to? We just have to keep fighting?”

“Well, what’s the alternative?”

Sirius shifted on the couch so he was facing Remus. “Let’s run away somewhere. Let’s leave Dumbledore to deal with this shit on his own.”

Remus’ breath caught in his throat. It scared him how much he wanted to leave and never come back. “What about James and Lily?”

“We’ll steal them away,” said Sirius. “We’ll start a commune somewhere and raise Harry.”

Remus reached out to push a strand of hair off Sirius’ face. “You know we can’t do that.”

Sirius let out another long sigh and let himself fall backward until his head hit the arm of the couch. “Well. What do you propose?”

“We need more people on our side,” said Remus. “Part of the problem is that You-Know-Who has so many followers. Maybe we should be recruiting more.”

“What, is Dumbledore going to send you back into the wolves’ den?”

Remus froze. They hadn’t mentioned his mission for months, and suddenly the word _feral_ flashed through his mind. “Would that bother you?”

Sirius sat up, frowning at him. “Yeah. It would bother me. You were a wreck during that mission, it was horrible to watch.”

“Mm-hmm,” said Remus, watching him. “That’s all you were worried about? What other kinds of effects did you think it would have on me?”

Sirius stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“You were worried for my well being, of course,” said Remus. “But weren’t you also worried that I might, I dunno, give in to my wolfish side? That I might join up with them?”

“What? Of course not,” said Sirius. “Where’d you get an idea like that?”   


“People talk, and I hear things,” said Remus. He couldn’t stop himself. Now that he’d broached the subject, he had to keep going. He thought he could provoke Sirius into admitting his true feelings.

“Well, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, because I wasn’t worried about that.”

“Oh, come on,” said Remus. “Admit it -- you’re worried each month that I’ll give you the slip and run off to kill a bunch of Muggles.”

Sirius hesitated. “I...that has literally never crossed my mind. Remus, I know you wouldn’t do that.”

“How can you know?” said Remus. He was shouting now. “I don’t even know sometimes. I didn’t know what it would be like with the werewolves. I was terrified that they would somehow sway me, that I would give in to some...some hidden side of myself. Of course you’d think that as well.”

“I didn’t think that!” Sirius protested, shouting back at him. “I don’t know where you got this shit from, but I trust you. Don’t you trust me?”

The answer was on the tip of his tongue. All he had to do was say yes, and maybe it would come true. But he hesitated, because he didn’t feel sure of anything anymore. He never would have expected that uncertainty to extend to Sirius, but it did. Remus desperately wanted to trust him, he knew that he should, but his friends were dying and someone was telling the Death Eaters where they would be and when. Sirius had family members who were deep inside Voldemort’s inner circle. What if Sirius had been duping them all for  _ years _ ?

Remus couldn’t hide his hesitation, and he saw Sirius’ face fall when he didn’t respond right away. As Remus began to cry, he leaned forward and crushed his lips against Sirius’. Sirius grasped the back of his neck, pulling him in close, and soon they were both crying. They kept meeting in the middle, each kiss harsher and more desperate than the last, until Sirius pushed Remus back against the couch to grind their hips together.

Remus closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Sirius moaning in his ear. Then teeth latched onto his earlobe and bit down, hard, making him cry out. He pushed Sirius back and kissed him roughly, biting his lower lip. Sirius whimpered and kissed him back, tongue gliding along his bottom teeth. Remus pushed himself up from the couch, hands gripping Sirius’ biceps, trying to push him back.

“Fuck you,” said Sirius, through renewed tears. He pushed Remus back down, hands gripping his wrists, holding them above his head as he kissed him. Remus gasped for breath as Sirius laid a trail of kisses down his neck that were sure to leave marks. 

“Put your money where your mouth is,” he panted. “You wanna fuck me? Then fuck me.”

Sirius, never one to back down from a challenge, let go of Remus’ wrists and started to undo his belt. Remus took advantage of this distraction and sat up again, pushing Sirius’ leather jacket off his shoulders and biting at the exposed skin. In a flurry, clothing was flung to the floor, but they didn’t even bother to remove shirts. Remus was suddenly achingly hard, and he just needed to see that familiar look of ecstasy on Sirius’ face. Sirius summoned lube from the bedroom and slicked up his finger, pushing inside Remus and turning his legs to jelly. 

“Just fuck me already,” Remus growled. “I want you, not your bloody finger.”

“As you wish,” said Sirius, a dangerous edge to his voice. 

That first thrust was hard, almost vicious, and Remus felt it in his belly. Sirius began moving at a relentless pace, and Remus wrapped his legs around his waist, urging him on. He wanted the exquisite burn, he wanted to forget everything but the feel of their skin sliding together. He wanted Sirius, and only Sirius, somewhere far away from this complicated mess.

“Oh, fuck,” Sirius moaned, in a familiar tone that meant he was close already. 

“Look at me,” said Remus, and Sirius’ head snapped up. Tears streaked his cheeks and his eyes shone brightly. His black hair was a mess, and his lips were swollen. He was completely beautiful, and Remus wished they really could run away together. 

Sirius’ mouth fell open as his eyes drifted shut. Remus reached down to wrap his hand around himself, shuddering and moving carefully, wanting to savor the moment as much as he could. Sirius started moving faster, more frantically, and Remus moved in time with him. 

“Fuck, Remus,” said Sirius, his voice low and breathy.

He couldn’t hold on any longer. Remus came first, a satisfied moan escaping his lips as Sirius followed him over the edge, lurching forward, one hand on the couch beside Remus’ head. Time slowed down as they moved through the haze, riding out the pleasure to its eventual end, when Sirius let himself fall onto Remus. Remus curled an arm around him, holding him close and feeling him shudder with soft sobs. 

As soon as they had the energy, they fucked a second time. If the first time had been a fight, this was the apology. They cradled and caressed each other, moving more gently and patiently. They murmured words of love, clinging more closely. Afterward, Sirius fell asleep almost immediately, but Remus lay awake listening to his steady breaths. If he never fell asleep, maybe the moment would never end. 

Eventually, he must have dozed off. In the morning, Remus was surprised to wake up alone on the couch. He stood up shakily, registering the aches in various places. He shuffled to the bedroom, where he found Sirius pulling a t-shirt over his head. He’d showered and looked like he was headed somewhere. When Remus gave him a quizzical look, Sirius tossed him a small scroll. 

“The Fidelius Charm?” said Remus, after he’d read the message. 

“The owl woke me up,” said Sirius. “I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked...peaceful.”

“I slept really well, actually,” said Remus. “Thanks for, erm, tiring me out, I suppose.”

Sirius smirked at him. “That’s one way to cure insomnia.”

Remus chuckled and glanced down at the message again. It was from Dumbledore, so it was characteristically light on details. It simply said that, in the light of recent events, he’d become more worried for James and Lily’s safety, and that he wanted to put stronger protections in place at Godric’s Hollow. Remus kept reading the note, hoping that new details would emerge each time. What was the danger? What made Dumbledore want to take this step?

“Do you agree with this?” he said. “I mean, you haven’t been Dumbledore’s biggest fan.”

“Maybe not,” said Sirius. “But this is for James. If I can help, I want to help.”

“Why now?” Remus wondered aloud. “The danger of an attack has always been there, so what could have happened?”

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe the fact that Marlene and Dorcas’ dead bodies were left on the front stoop of the Hog’s Head. Might have something to do with that.”

“All right, no need to get snippy,” said Remus. 

“I don’t know why,” said Sirius. “Maybe Dumbledore’s been tipped off about something. I know he has spies on the other side.”

Remus stared down at the message. “And they’ve chosen you?”

“Yes. Thanks for the vote of confidence,” said Sirius, rolling his eyes. “I’m sure if it were up to you they’d pick someone else.”

Remus sighed. “I didn’t say that. And I didn’t mean it was the wrong choice, I was only asking.”

“Yeah, but that’s what you think, right?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” said Remus, dragging his hand through his hair. “I don’t think anything. All right? I just...you’re the most obvious choice.”

“Of course I am,” said Sirius. “I’m James’ best mate. Dumbledore trusts me, at least. And no, I don’t agree with him on a lot of things, but clearly he knows friendship when he sees it.”

“I know you’d do anything for James,” said Remus. “I’m just saying...you’re making yourself a target. Do you know what you’re getting into? The Death Eaters have somehow learned our next move at every turn, so they’re sure to find out about this. Hell, they won’t even need a mole to know it’s you. They’ll be on you quicker than you can blink.”

Sirius stared at him, his expression dark. “I’ve thought about that. After the charm is cast, I’m going to move out.”

Remus blinked. “What?”

“If they come for me, I don’t want you to get caught up in it,” he continued. 

“No,” said Remus, his stomach in knots. He came around the side of the bed and put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “That’s not what I meant at all. If you leave, I’ll...please don’t leave.”

Sirius reached out to touch Remus’ cheek. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” said Remus, without hesitation. No matter what his misgivings, he knew he loved Sirius. Whatever else might be true, he knew that as well as he knew his body at the full moon. Their connection was a part of him, and he couldn’t let it go. This, he’d realized the previous night, was his weakness -- Sirius could actually be the mole, all his worst fears might come true, and Remus would still love him.

Sirius nodded and blinked hard against tears. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” said Remus, a tremble in his voice. 

“Hey,” said Sirius, with a bitter chuckle. “Look on the bright side, they can’t kill me. The secret dies with the Secret Keeper.”

“Great, so they’ll just torture you until you go mad,” said Remus.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Remus pulled him in for a kiss. When they broke apart, they stayed close for a long moment, noses brushing together and breath mingling. Remus patted Sirius’ chest and said softly, “Be careful.”

Sirius gave him one more quick kiss, then moved away from him reluctantly. Remus watched him slide a pack of cigarettes into the back pocket of his jeans, then walk past him toward the door.

“Hey,” said Remus. He waited until Sirius looked up at him, their eyes meeting across the room. “About last night. I do trust you.”

Sirius smiled at him, but he didn’t seem relieved. Remus wondered if Sirius could hear the lie in his voice, if he could tell there was still doubt beneath the simple words. 

*****************************

_ October 31, 1981 _

It had been just five days since the Fidelius Charm was cast. On that day, as Sirius had made his way to Godric’s Hollow, his conversation with Remus replayed in his head. He was right, of course -- Sirius was the obvious choice, and the Death Eaters would waste no time in trying to curse the secret out of him. They would probably make Remus watch. The thought made him sick, but it was even more worrisome to think he might crack under the pressure and give up the Potters’ position. 

Sirius had been letting the war get to him, that was clear. Between his own missions and watching Remus embed with the werewolves, he almost never felt like himself anymore. If he’d been asked to step in as Secret Keeper two years ago, he would have been confident in his ability to stand up to torture. Now he wasn’t so sure. Yes, it felt right that he should be Secret Keeper. He’d known James the longest (by a few hours, at least), and he knew they were the closest friends in their group. But he didn’t want to put James, Lily, and Harry in a dangerous position because of his own pride.

By the time he got to the cottage, he knew there had to be a change. He explained to James and Lily that the only way to keep them really, truly safe was to choose a Secret Keeper whom no one would suspect. 

“Peter?” said James, in disbelief just as Sirius had expected. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes, I think it’s for the best,” said Sirius. “You know I would do anything for you two, and for Harry, but I...I don’t know if I could protect you.”

“Mate, we chose you for a reason,” said James. “You’re strong, we know you could stand up to questioning.”

Sirius looked down at his feet. “I’m really not sure these days.”

“But would Peter be up for something like this?” said Lily. “I don’t know him as well as you do, but he doesn’t strike me as particularly brave.”

“He’s got more Gryffindor in him than you’d expect,” said James. 

“Besides, I’m not brave,” said Sirius, scoffing. “I’m just an idiot. And I think...I think we need someone who lays a bit lower to the ground, if you catch my drift.”

James stared at him, clearly confused. “Why are you doing this? What’s going on?”

Sirius took him by the shoulders. “James. I wouldn’t suggest this if I didn’t think it would keep you safe. I couldn’t live with myself if I took the position and caused your deaths. The Death Eaters have been one step ahead of us for so long, so let’s be one step ahead of them for once. Let’s choose someone they would never suspect.”

James looked at Lily, and Sirius saw but didn’t understand the silent conversation that took place between them. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy -- for a while, he’d been the only one who could communicate with James like that. 

“Okay,” said James. “Let’s get Peter over here.”

Sirius let out a sigh of relief. “Excellent. I think this is the right move. Honestly, they’ll never suspect that you would choose him. Don’t tell him I said that, of course.”

“I think Peter already knows how you feel about him,” said James, with a smirk. 

“Oh, one more thing,” said Sirius. “Don’t tell Dumbledore about this. We’ll get Peter over here and I’ll cast the charm before Dumbledore even gets here.”

Lily frowned. “Why wouldn’t we want Dumbledore to know?”

“It’s even more secret this way,” said Sirius. “Besides, that old bastard thinks he knows everything. We know each other better than he does. Let’s keep this in the family.”

Peter had agreed and come to the cottage straightaway. He seemed incredibly honored that James would choose him, and they let him think it had gone down like that. Easier, Sirius thought, then having another argument about Peter always being left out or feeling like he wasn’t their friend. The charm was one of the few Sirius actually remembered from seventh year. He cast it carefully, aware of the fact that he could endanger them with sloppy spellwork. When it was finished, he’d hugged James and Lily and cuddled Harry one last time. Then he left the cottage, and instantly forgot his best friend’s hiding place. 

Back at the flat, Remus ordered them a takeaway, and they ate dinner on the couch. When he’d first come home, Remus had asked if it was done. Sirius said yes, suddenly realizing he now had to keep the switch a secret from Remus. It would be a colossal relief when this was all over and he didn’t have to keep any more secrets from or about the people he loved.

“It’s such an amazing spell,” Remus remarked. “I’m thinking about James and Lily right now, but I genuinely can’t put my finger on where they are. It’s like my mind just avoids the fact.”

Sirius nodded and tore off another piece of naan bread. He wanted to tell Remus so badly, because it seemed like something he should know. Maybe he would have been a terrible Secret Keeper anyway. Maybe he would have just spilled the beans to Remus as soon as he got home. It was a good thing they’d made the switch. Sirius slept well that evening, content in the knowledge that the Potters were safe. 

On Halloween night, Sirius was lying awake beside a soundly sleeping Remus. He’d felt odd all day, like there was something he was forgetting to do. Now he couldn’t fall asleep because he felt like he needed to be available for something. At Hogwarts, he’d never put much stock in Divination, but now Sirius found himself wishing for a crystal ball to tell him what he should look out for. He turned to look at Remus, struck by how much younger he always looked as he slept. There was a peacefulness to his sleeping face that belied all he had to worry about. 

Just as Sirius reached out to take Remus’ hand as he slept, he heard a telltale tapping at their bedroom window. He didn’t have to turn around to know that a tawny owl was perched on the sill. At least, he thought, this answered the question of what was keeping him from sleep. With a sigh, he rolled off the bed, onto his feet, and walked to the window. 

_ Sirius -- Something has happened to James and Lily. Need to see you immediately. _

_ \-- Dumbledore _

The second half of the short note didn’t even register in Sirius’ mind. As soon as he read that something had happened to James and Lily, he dropped the note and scrounged up some clothes as quickly as he could. A million thoughts bloomed in his mind as he pulled on his jeans. Something had gone wrong. If James and Lily were in danger, then Peter must have given up their position. They must have tortured him. The Death Eaters must have found him out somehow, and Peter had cracked under the Cruciatus Curse. He would have to explain the switch to Dumbledore, and they could perform a new charm straight away.

Sirius would have been out the door more quickly had it not been for Remus. Just as he reached the bedroom door, he heard Remus stir behind him. Sirius whirled around and watched anxiously as Remus stretched his legs out, then curled them back in and settled into a rut in the bed. Sirius continued watching him for a moment, with the uncomfortable feeling that he might not see him again. He didn’t know what awaited him at Godric’s Hollow.

If Remus had woken up just then, he probably would have insisted that he come along. But Sirius didn’t want to disturb that peaceful look on his face. Very carefully, Sirius approached the bed, leaned down to brush the hair off Remus’ forehead, and kissed the spot just above his eyebrow. Remus mumbled something but did not wake up. Ignoring the ache in his chest, Sirius turned and left their bedroom.

Godric’s Hollow had been reduced to its requisite parts. What had once been a charming cottage was now a jumbled collection of bricks and mortar. It was barely recognizable as a house anymore. Sirius parked his motorbike at the curb and stared, mouth agape, as he took in the scene. A deep and profound helplessness came over him as he realized that his friends were dead, his godson was likely dead. He slowly climbed off his bike and walked through the wreckage, terrified of what he might find, but knowing that he at least had to look.

Sirius’ stomach turned when he noticed a foot sticking out from under a pile of rubble. That was James. His best friend was dead.

Sirius sucked in a shuddering breath when he saw a halo of red hair surrounding a pale face. Lily was dead.

By then, he thought it was a foregone conclusion that Harry was dead as well. Why would Voldemort leave an infant alive? Sirius stepped lightly through the rubble, eyes scanning the ground, until he heard a baby crying. 

Tears streamed down his face as he rushed toward the crying, part of him sure that he was imagining the sound. But then he saw Harry lying on the ground, a blanket wrapped around him and an angry gash on his forehead. Sirius picked him up gently and held him close.

“I’m so sorry,” he sobbed. “This is all my fault, I’m so sorry. But listen, I’m your godfather. I’m going to take care of you now. Fuck...even if I wasn’t your godfather, I owe it to you to take care of you now.”

As Harry quieted down, Sirius carefully shifted him so that he could get a better look at the gash on his head. It was curiously shaped like a lightning bolt, and he couldn’t imagine how it might have happened. By the looks of Lily -- though he didn’t look for too long -- this was a quick and brutal  _ Avada Kedavra  _ affair. How could Harry get a gash like this? 

“Merlin’s beard, I didn’t want to believe it.”

Sirius whirled around at the sound of someone else’s voice. Hagrid, of all people, had shown up. He cried enormous tears when he realized what had happened. He said something about being sent by Dumbledore and needing to pick up little Harry. For the billionth time in three years, Sirius cursed Dumbledore. He pleaded with Hagrid to let him have Harry, he couldn’t bear to let the little boy go. But Hagrid insisted, wielding the power of Dumbledore’s orders, and Sirius let the man have his motorbike.

After, as Sirius stood in the wreckage of James and Lily’s house, he thought about every time he’d seen them smile. The way Harry had wrapped his little fingers around James’ thumb, the way Lily had rocked Harry to sleep, the way James had hovered as Harry zoomed around on that silly little broom. These were simple memories, but they were the beginning of something. Now they’d only ever have that beginning. He only had those memories.

Sirius thought of all the years at Hogwarts, all the mistakes he’d likely made, and the ways in which he could have been kinder. He thought of mousy little Peter, and his suggestion that Remus might be the one giving away information. A terrible idea took root in his mind. What if Peter’s secret hadn’t been given up under duress? What if it had been given willingly, to the side that he thought was going to win the war? It seemed to Sirius that choices had been made, lines had been drawn, and there had to be a reckoning. 

He thought of Remus. The idea and the promise of Remus almost stopped him. He almost went back to the flat, but he knew Remus would be there with his sensible words about waiting and not jumping to conclusions. Sirius’ blood boiled, his fists clenched, and he went to find Peter.

-FIN-


	8. 1995, Epilogue

_ Summer 1995 _

 

_ We're not who we used to be _

_ We're not who we used to be _

_ We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty _

_ Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat _

\-- “Two Ghosts,” Harry Styles

  
  


When the knock came at the door, Remus had been on edge for days. Ever since he got the owl from Dumbledore, he’d been waiting. So when he heard the actual knock at his door, his heart didn’t leap to its feet and neither did he. Instead he took a deep breath, folded the corner of the page he was reading, and set down his book. He’d gone over this in his mind an absurd number of times. He didn’t want to seem too eager, but he didn’t want to be too standoffish either. So he waited, but not for too long, and then stood up to answer the door.

Sirius looked a far sight healthier compared to the last time Remus had seen him. Of course, anything would be an improvement for the man who’d been living mostly as a dog for the better part of twelve years. He had a bit of tan, which Remus assumed was from those exotic locales pictured on the postcards Sirius had been sending. He signed all of his postcards “Stubby Boardman,” which apparently had a hilarious backstory that didn’t translate to the small space on the back of a typical postcard. 

Sirius hovered at the doorstep, clearly unsure of what he should say or do. Remus wasn’t quite sure whether a hug was appropriate or even desired, and the word “hello” suddenly seemed woefully inadequate for the occasion of meeting someone. So they stood there for a few long moments, Sirius glancing inside as though he were a vampire who needed to be invited in.

“Come in, please,” said Remus, finally, standing aside so Sirius could enter the cottage. 

“Thanks,” said Sirius.

As soon as Sirius was inside, Remus realized this whole thing was a mistake. He’d spent so much time forgetting everything that had happened before 1981, and convincing himself that it had all been a lie. Now, with Sirius standing inside what he’d once dubbed ‘Lupin Manor,’ it was far more difficult to forget. Remus felt a powerful need to excuse himself, to run some useless errand, but he forced himself to stay. 

Sirius glanced around the cottage. “Dumbledore sent me. He said I could lay low here for a bit.”

Remus nodded. “He sent me an owl.”

So much about Sirius had changed. He was skinnier than he’d ever been in school, and his hair had lost its posh sheen. There were deeper things, Remus knew, given away only by the dark circles under Sirius’ eyes and the way he startled when spoken to. But so much had stayed the same that Remus couldn’t help but feel comfortable around him. He still stood in the same way, held himself as though he were being presented to the Minister and deserved to be there. They’d always joked that pureblood manners couldn’t be beaten out of you, and here was the proof. 

“Tea?” said Remus, gesturing toward the kitchen. 

“That would be great,” said Sirius. 

Remus rolled his eyes at himself as he followed Sirius down the short hall to the kitchen. There was some old joke about a British person using tea to defuse a bomb. It was embarrassing, but Remus also felt relieved that there was something he could turn to when he wasn’t sure what to say. It was nice to busy himself filling the kettle and lighting the hob with his wand. But then suddenly he was transported back to a flat in London, where he’d used to busy himself like this when Sirius came home from a mission clearly in pain. That was a lifetime ago, but sometimes it felt like yesterday. 

“It’s been a long while since I’ve seen this place,” Sirius remarked. He hadn’t sat down yet, but was simply hovering around the table. “If you’re here, where are your parents?”

Remus should have known better. He’d actually been looking forward to this visit, to the chance to see Sirius again and talk to him properly. But he hadn’t counted on the questions that might come up. Just about any question Sirius could ask him about the past fourteen years would be painful in one way or another. He should have steeled himself for this, but he’d been too foolishly excited to see Sirius again. Their encounter the previous year had been nowhere near enough. 

“Dad lives in the Lake District now,” he said, turning to look at Sirius. “Mum passed away, erm, fourteen years ago this December.”

Sirius’ eyes widened as he did the math. “No.”

Remus nodded. “It was right after James and Lily.”

“Remus, I’m so sorry.”

The kettle whistle loudly on the stove. “It was a long time ago.”

He turned away to pour the water into two mugs and fight back the tears. It was true that it had been a long time ago, but the thought of his mother could still make him cry. She’d been one of his favorite people, and her death came after a sudden illness. Remus had been at home, having nowhere else to go after the deaths and imprisonment of his friends. He was grateful that he’d gotten the time to say goodbye to her, but the memories were not pleasant ones. 

Remus took his time dunking one much-used tea bag into the first mug, and then the other. Sirius, thankfully, kept quiet until he turned around and placed the mugs on the table. 

“Please, sit down,” he said, and he felt a bit more at ease once Sirius was seated. “I’m afraid this is just simple English Breakfast.”

“That’ll do,” said Sirius, taking a tentative sip and wincing when he found it too hot. 

“How are you?” Remus asked, knowing that it was a stupid question. It was the question he’d loathed so much during the war. It was obvious how they were all doing, why did anyone need to ask?

Sirius took his time in answering, and took another sip of tea. “I’m...how I am. It’s hard to explain, I suppose. I’m not bad, but I’m not good either. I’m not in Azkaban anymore, so that’s good. But everything I ever knew has been destroyed. So.”

Remus nodded. There was no way to respond to that, so he drank his tea and burned his tongue. The silence stretched between them, and Remus wondered if Sirius had even wanted to come. Perhaps he didn’t want to see him again. Perhaps this was all too painful, to be around him and be reminded of James and Lily and everything they’d lost. Remus could understand that, of course, but he selfishly wanted Sirius to be as eager as he was to reconnect. 

“How are you?” Sirius asked. “Sorry, I...I forget about the rhythm of conversations sometimes. I know that sounds weird, but dogs don’t have many conversations, and Dementors aren’t exactly talking your ear off anyway.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” said Remus. He hated that Sirius felt he had to apologize. It should have been the other way around. The entire world should have been apologizing to him. “I suppose I’m all right, considering.”

“You got to teach at Hogwarts,” said Sirius. “That’s exciting.”

“Yes,” said Remus, trying not to sound too bitter. “It would have been more exciting if I’d worked there for more than one term.”

“I guess I’m somewhat to blame for that,” said Sirius, much to Remus’ surprise. “If I’d realized it was the full moon, I wouldn’t have blathered on so much.”

Remus waved his hand dismissively. “All that blathering set me straight about what happened fourteen years ago, so please don’t apologize.”

Sirius ran his hands over his face. “Fuck, fourteen years is a long time. It’s not as though the years flew by in Azkaban, but sometimes I swear we were graduating just yesterday.”

“And the day before that we were smoking in the Astronomy Tower,” said Remus. 

“And before that, I dunno, we were probably turning someone’s hair green,” said Sirius, smiling fondly at the idea. “Tell me what it’s been like for you.”

Remus squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. “Me? What about you?”

“You know my story,” said Sirius, shrugging. “I basically told you everything that night in the Shack. It was twelve long years of waiting and being a dog. But what about you?”

Remus wasn’t sure what Sirius wanted to hear. Though he hadn’t known what to expect from seeing him again, he certainly hadn’t prepared for this broad question. He drank some more of his tea, wondering what he should tell Sirius and what he should edit out. Sirius, to his credit, sat waiting with no complaints. This was new -- Sirius had never been this patient before. 

“Obviously, it’s been difficult finding a job,” Remus began. “So I’ve mostly spent my time on odd jobs, sometimes jobs I never thought I’d do. I maintained a community garden in Swansea for a few months, which was nice. But then I was a janitor at a Muggle school, which was less nice.”

Sirius smiled but didn’t quite laugh. Remus felt that the past fourteen years of his life had been rather gray compared to everything that had come before. But he wondered how this all sounded to someone who’d spent that same time in prison. 

“I won’t bore you with the details of every full moon you’ve missed,” said Remus, and then immediately winced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

“It’s fine,” said Sirius, his expression unreadable. “I know how many I’ve missed. I could see the moon from my cell, and I marked the wall every time it was full. It helped me keep track of the days.”

Remus felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. For the first year after James and Lily died, Remus spent full moons in the forest where he’d first transformed as a child. They were painful transformations, unlike anything he’d ever experienced. He thought perhaps the wolf was angry because its pack had disappeared without warning. It didn’t help that each full moon brought back memories of past transformations, and memories of his friends. He’d woken up more than once cursing Sirius and mourning all that he’d lost. It was a shock to find out that Sirius had been watching the moon on those same nights.

“One thing is the same,” said Remus. “I’m still not on the werewolf registry.”

Sirius brightened at this, grinning with a hint of malice. “Good. Fuck ‘em.”

“I mean, unexplained and persistent absences are still a pretty large barrier to long-term employment,” said Remus. “But at least I can get a job and make some money for a short while.”

“I wish...I don’t know what happened to my money,” said Sirius. “To be honest, I haven’t cared enough in the past year to look into it. But I wish it had gone to you, somehow.”

Remus sighed and stared down into his tea. “That’s kind of you. James actually left me a small sum in his will. I guess he and Lily drew up some papers when they went into hiding, just in case. The bulk of his inheritance went to Harry, as it rightly should, but he left me something. It was...I’m not sure people knew how lovely James really was.”

“They didn’t,” said Sirius, immediately. “People thought he was clever and cocky and a bit of a laugh. He was all those things, but he talked to me about the fucking poetry of David Bowie lyrics, you know? He opened his home to me when I needed a place to go. He didn’t particularly want to be Head Boy, but he leaned into the role and helped anyone who stopped to ask him. We’re lucky to have known him, truly known him.”

Remus smiled as he wiped away tears with the sleeve of his sweater. “Bloody hell, I wish you’d been at their memorial.”

Sirius sniffled a bit and took another sip of tea. “I had years to come up with something to say, and years to think back on everything we had. Who spoke? Did Dumbledore say something?”

“Of course,” said Remus. “He spoke about their selflessness, and their leadership at Hogwarts. It was all true, it just wasn’t the meat of who they were.”

Sirius nodded. “It figures. I get sent to Azkaban and Dumbledore eulogizes my best friend.”

“I knew you’d hate it,” said Remus, chuckling softly. “I remember sitting there, thinking how James would have contradicted everything Dumbledore was saying about him. And how you’d have chased him away to give a vulgar, perfect eulogy of your own.”

“If I’d been able to stop crying,” said Sirius. 

There, again, was that breathless feeling. Once Remus knew the truth about who had betrayed James and Lily, he’d realized just how deeply Sirius must have felt that loss. Remus was good friends with James, but James had been like a brother to Sirius. He imagined that Sirius felt much the same about losing James as Remus felt about losing Sirius. 

“Yes,” said Remus. “Well.”

“People say that time heals all wounds,” said Sirius.

“Liars,” Remus interjected. “Wankers, all.”

Sirius smiled sadly at him. “I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I’ve found that time simply ages the wounds, like fine wine.”

Remus smiled back and then looked away, sipping his tea as an excuse to avoid eye contact. For a while they simply sat with each other in the quiet cottage, the only sound the ticking clock above the sink. Remus toyed with some fraying threads at the end of his left sleeve. He could feel the issue swirling between them. They’d talked about James, they’d talked about Remus’ missing years, and now he wanted to talk about that night. What he’d heard in the Shrieking Shack was the abridged version, just what Sirius needed to tell so that Remus would believe him and so Harry and his friends wouldn’t kill him.

Long ago, on a summer’s day in the Potters’ old house in Devonshire, Remus had made a decision to stop waffling and simply get to the point. Since then he’d fallen back into his old ways, beating around the bush, using far more words than were necessary. But Sirius made him want to be direct. If he waffled around Sirius, Sirius would fall into his own patterns of deflection and jokes that hid true feelings. So he set his mug down decisively.

“Why didn’t you come back to the flat that night?”

Sirius looked startled, his face suddenly seemed more like his younger self. “What?”

“Why didn’t you just come back?” said Remus. “I’ve spent years thinking you'd left to kill James and Lily, and then Peter. And I wondered why you didn’t come back to kill me too. I guess I figured you wanted to leave me alive so that I would suffer. But in the last year I've had to come to terms with the fact that you chose revenge over me. I know it probably says a lot about me, but that hurts.”

Sirius swallowed and looked past Remus, out the kitchen window where the sky was growing darker. “I knew you would stop me. And yeah, you would’ve been right. I should’ve stopped to think things through, but I didn’t. I was young, and I was extremely pissed off.”

“You had every right to be pissed off,” said Remus. “But there was probably a better way to deal with it.”

Sirius sighed heavily. “Honestly, Remus? I don’t want to talk about this. There’s no point in arguing about the past, because I did what I did, and we’re here now.”

“Did you not care, though?” said Remus. He could see that Sirius was surprised by the question, but he knew he had to ask it while he had the chance. “Did you not spare a moment to think about me?”

“I don’t know how to convince you that I cared,” said Sirius. “And that I still do. I thought about you before I went to find Peter. I thought about you, and how you would feel when you heard the news. I thought about you when they locked me up, and I thought about you every night while I was there." 

Remus looked away again, not wanting to see the angry, indignant expression on Sirius’ face. Why should he be so self-righteous? No matter what he said, he’d still left Remus alone for twelve long years. No matter how angry he’d been, or how much he’d wanted revenge, shouldn’t he have put that aside for Remus? Though he knew Sirius was right, that it was pointless to argue about what was already done, he feared he would never get past this. 

“I believe that you thought about me, I just wish you’d done more than that,” he said, finally. 

“My best friend had just been murdered.”

“I woke up, and you were gone. There was no note, no explanation. And I had to hear about what happened from Dumbledore.”

“They didn’t even give me a bloody trial.”

“I had no chance to speak to you, to ask you what the hell was going on.”

“Dementors, Remus. Fucking dementors.”

“Everyone was just  _ gone _ , and I thought our relationship was one big lie.”

“Twelve years of sitting, and waiting, and thinking that I’d never be free again.”

Remus, at a loss, spluttered, “I live in fucking Wales.”

“You love Wales, you idiot.”

“I know that, but we’re clearly playing the grief edition of Top Trumps, and I had to come up with something.”

After a beat, Sirius let out a bark of laughter, and the sound of it so delighted Remus that he started laughing too. Pretty soon they were in tears, struggling to breathe as they laughed and slapped the kitchen table. As Remus wiped his eyes and shook his head at Sirius, he thought he might have emotional whiplash by the time the evening was through. 

“Fucking hell,” Sirius breathed. “I made a mistake, all right? I can admit that it was a mistake, but I can’t go back and change it now.”

Remus nodded. “I know.”

He felt better now that he’d said it all out loud, and he hoped that would mean he’d stop dwelling on it so much. But he knew his own mind and he knew that it would likely throw this back in his face when he least expected it. From the sad, vacant expression on Sirius’ face, Remus could tell it probably plagued him just as often. 

“How could you think it was me?” Sirius asked, breaking the silence. 

“Besides the fact that all evidence pointed directly at you?”

Sirius snorted. “Yes, thanks to Peter. But honestly, you knew how I felt about James and Lily. And, Merlin’s beard, you knew I wouldn’t hurt Harry.”

“I know this sounds ridiculous now,” said Remus. “But I wasn’t sure of anything back then. It felt unlikely that Gideon and Fabian would die so young, but then it happened. It seemed like Caradoc would be just fine walking home, and then he wasn’t. Terrible things were happening every week. Plus, Peter told me he suspected you and I was stupid enough to listen.”

Sirius rubbed at his forehead. “He told me he suspected you.”

“You see? When the evidence pointed to you, it also fit with everything I knew at the time: what Peter had planted in my head, my own suspicions, and the fact that you would want to shield them yourself. Why would you give that up? I took it as fact that you would be their Secret Keeper.”

Sirius bit his lip and chuckled softly. “I really set myself up for failure. And I guess we all underestimated Peter.”

“No, we forgot about him,” said Remus. “Which was worse, and it made it that much easier for him to sneak around and help the other side.”

“I still find it hard to believe,” said Sirius. “We played gobstones with Peter, how could things have gone so sideways? How could he side with those pureblood fanatical fucks?”

Remus shrugged. “Clearly, the ideologies involved in the war were not important to Peter. What mattered to him was who was willing to give him the time of day. When James paid attention to him, Peter was willing to join up with the Order. But then we all went our separate ways and Peter jumped on the first life raft that offered him a spot.”

“James defended him,” said Sirius. “Lily questioned whether he’d be up to the task of being Secret Keeper, and James defended him. That little fuck didn’t deserve to call James a friend.”

“I still can’t believe you switched,” said Remus. “I thought you’d never trust anyone but yourself to protect them.”

“I thought I was being clever. Plus, you got me thinking about it,” said Sirius. “That conversation we had just before I went to their place to cast the charm. I kept thinking about how you said it would obvious that it was me. Of course it would be. We were at school with most of the pricks who became Death Eaters, so they’d know James was my best mate, and that he’d pick me as Secret Keeper. So I decided it should be Peter instead.”

Remus felt a swooping sensation in his stomach. He felt like he needed to sit down, though he was already sitting. He leaned forward, elbows on the table and head in his hands. 

“I’m so sorry,” said Sirius. “I didn’t tell you that to hurt you. I’m just...I guess I’m trying to explain why it happened. I made the decision, I made the wrong call.”

“But I put the bee in your bonnet,” said Remus.

The minutes stretched on, and Remus couldn’t bring himself to look up at Sirius. He remembered that morning so clearly, the way it had felt to wake up after reconnecting with Sirius and thinking they were on the right track again. Then to hear that he was off to become Secret Keeper, and feeling panicked for so many reasons. He didn’t think Sirius would listen to him. Sirius never listened to him. 

Remus didn’t hear Sirius get up from the table, but suddenly two arms folded him into a slightly awkward hug. The sense memory was so strong it nearly made Remus cry. Their hug in the Shrieking Shack had been all business, a quick gesture to signify that all was forgiven. This was more like the old days, from their lazy mornings in bed in this very cottage, or evenings on the couch after missions that left them drained. The closeness was familiar, and it was something Remus had been craving for more than a decade. 

With a shuddering breath, Remus pulled away just enough so he could look up at Sirius. “We’re all responsible. We always did things together, it makes sense that we should all share a piece of the blame for this.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” said Sirius. 

“I already did,” said Remus, with a sad smile.

****************************

Though he’d been let go as manager of the community garden, Remus was still on good terms with the women who managed it now. They often made comments about how skinny he was and added extra potatoes to his weekly basket. He bristled at the offer of charity but nothing in his basket was ever wasted. In preparation for Sirius’ visit, Remus had visited the garden and bought a chicken from a local farmer’s market. When he suggested roasting the chicken for their supper, Sirius’ eyes got wide and he nodded emphatically. 

As Remus began to prep the chicken and vegetables, Sirius asked if he could freshen up. Remus told him where the towels were, and that he should feel free to take some of his clothes if he wanted. Sirius had arrived in simple robes that were slightly tattered around the edges. He kept pushing at the sleeves, clearly irritated, and reminding Remus of how much Sirius loved Muggle clothing. He almost wished he’d kept something from their flat, but all those old band t-shirts had been donated to a charity shop on Remus’ way out of London. He hadn’t been too keen on keeping mementos.

He had kept the leather jacket, but he didn’t want to bring that up. 

Remus slid the roasting pan into the oven and stood back, wiping sweat from his brow. Perhaps he should freshen up as well. Sirius was going to emerge from the bathroom smelling as fresh as a daisy, and Remus would be standing there smelling of chicken and vegetables and sweat. He didn’t know why he was worried. It wasn’t as though he was on a date. How could you be on a date with someone you’d slept with and lived with for years? Perhaps he could just change his clothes. 

For many years, there had been no reason for Remus to knock on any doors in his own home. He was the only one there, so he was never barging in on anyone. When he came to his bedroom door and found it closed, but not all the way, he simply pushed it open. Sirius was standing at the foot of his bed wearing a pair of his trousers and one of his old jumpers. To Remus’ surprise, Sirius was holding the neck of the jumper up over his nose, and he appeared to be sniffing the fabric.

Sirius let go of the sweater, letting it fall away from his face, and said, “It smells like you.”

Remus blinked. Sirius had always been able to disarm him with the simplest of words. When he was being silly, he’d use florid language to declare his love. But it was these easy, honest comments that had always caught Remus off guard. Sirius had rolled up the cuffs on Remus’ trousers, and the jumper was a bit too long for him. If the circumstances were different, they might just be two people standing in their bedroom waiting for dinner to be ready. 

Painfully aware of the fact that he was just staring at Sirius, Remus cleared his throat and smoothed nonexistent creases from his duvet. “The food should be ready in a bit. I just thought I should change.”

“Nah, that shirt looks nice on you,” said Sirius. 

Remus began to sweat anew, but it had nothing to do with the temperature in the cottage. Sirius was here, in his bedroom, and it had been ages since they’d seen each other or touched each other. Now that the opportunity was presenting itself again, quite unexpectedly, Remus felt the full force of how much he’d missed Sirius. But were these comments just Sirius being Sirius, or was he trying to rekindle something? Was Remus sensing something that wasn’t actually there?

“Er, thanks,” he said. “Back to the kitchen?”

Roast chicken took far too long to cook, and Remus found himself struggling to fill the time. He made a few half-hearted attempts at conversation until Sirius finally told him they didn’t need to talk. Remus brought his book into the kitchen, and Sirius found an old _Prophet_ with an unsolved crossword puzzle. It was a comfortable, companionable silence and Remus found it hard to concentrate on his book. He kept glancing up to watch Sirius frown at the clues and quickly write in letters as he solved them. It was so, so odd to have him here. Odd in the very best way, but odd nonetheless.

The chicken came out perfect, and Sirius finished his first and second helpings far more quickly than Remus. After watching Sirius glance at the chicken bashfully, Remus encouraged him to eat as much as he wanted. As far as he was concerned, Sirius should have as much of whatever he wanted from now until the end of time. Even then it wouldn’t be enough to make up for what he’d gone through. 

All he had for pudding was a bar of Honeyduke’s chocolate. When he’d bought it, he’d intended for it to last a month, maybe more. As he sat with Sirius on the old family couch, they slowly devoured it piece by piece. Sirius gestured vaguely at the telly, but Remus explained that he’d stopped paying for the license, that he’d rather pay for food. 

“They make you pay to watch the telly?” said Sirius. He peered out the window curiously. “Where does it come from? I always wondered.”

Remus smiled and popped another square of chocolate into his mouth. “You know, I’m not entirely sure. Something similar to the wireless, I think.”

“Isn’t the answer in one of your millions of books?” Sirius teased, gesturing at the wall of shelves Remus’ parents had installed long before he was born. 

“Perhaps,” said Remus. “But I can only read one book at a time, and there are only so many hours in the day.”

“Well, what do you do with all those hours?”

“I dunno,” said Remus. He tore off a corner of the Honeyduke’s wrapper and began systematically destroying it. “I told you, I look for work. I take odd jobs wherever I can. I take walks, I go to the community garden. What are you after -- some amazing expose about what werewolves do in their spare time?”

Sirius blushed -- actually _blushed_ \-- and stared at the wall of books, away from Remus. “I’m just wondering. I want to know you again. I feel like I don’t know you.”

Though he’d had his fill, Remus took another piece of chocolate just to have something to do. “I know it’s been a long time. But I haven’t really...I’m pretty much the same, if I’m honest.”

“I’m not the same,” said Sirius, turning back to him. “How could you possibly be the same?”

“All right, so, things have changed. But all the same parts are there. And stop thinking what you’re thinking, you know I don’t mean those parts.”

Sirius smirked at him. “But those parts are there, eh? D’you ever...do you take them out for a test drive now and again?”

It was such a “Sirius” way to ask the question that Remus couldn’t help but cringe. Now he saw what Sirius had been hunting for. He wanted to know if Remus was dating anyone. His immediate instinct was to tease him about the meandering way in which he’d gotten to the topic, but he could tell how hard it was for Sirius to ask. Besides, he was touched that Sirius wanted to know. Perhaps he didn’t imagine the vibe he’d gotten earlier, in the bedroom.

“There have been one-night stands, here and there. Sometimes the opportunity just presented itself, and I was lonely. But I’ve never...I haven’t found anyone else.”

Sirius definitely looked relieved, and Remus smiled at him. This reminded him of an evening back in fifth year, a few weeks after Remus had come out. Sirius had sat down beside him in the common room and started asking random questions about sexuality and about who Remus fancied. All his questions had been hypothetical, asked as though someone he knew was wondering, but he didn’t really care. That same attitude was apparent now -- Sirius wanted to know, but he didn’t want to seem like he wanted to know. Remus knew him too well, though. 

“Same goes for me. Obviously,” said Sirius. “No dementor could ever kiss as well as you.”

Remus moaned and covered his face. “No, you did not just make a pun about the Dementor’s Kiss. Tell me you didn’t just do that.”

“Come on, that was good,” said Sirius, grinning like a fool. “I should write greeting cards.”

All at once, Remus wanted to kiss him. Sirius was innocent, and he was here, and he was cracking stupid jokes like they were seventeen again. Remus couldn’t believe he was getting this second chance. 

“I loved you,” he said. “So, so much.”

Sirius hesitated, the ghost of a grin still on his face. “In the past tense?”

“I want to say yes, but that would be a lie. Even when I thought you’d done the most horrible thing anyone could do...even then. Remember what you said on that first Christmas? That Austen quote? ‘I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot…’”

“Yes,” said Sirius, rolling his eyes at his past self. “That was a wanton ploy to get in your pants.”

Remus smirked at him. “I know, and I knew it then. It’s a mark of how far gone I am that I don’t care.”

Sirius chuckled and then went silent. “When I was...erm...thinking about you helped sometimes. I knew you probably hated me, and you had every right to, but sometimes I would purposely forget that and just think about the time we had together. It wasn’t enough, but at least we had something.”

“It could never be enough,” said Remus. “A lifetime wouldn’t be enough.”

Sirius took a shuddering breath and reached out to cup Remus’ cheek. The relief that Remus felt at Sirius’ touch was incalculable. It had been fourteen long years, and while it was true that he hadn’t been a monk during that time, nothing compared to this. Sirius leaned in, Remus closed his eyes, and they kissed. Nothing about this had changed. They could have been in their London flat, or in one of Hogwarts’ empty classrooms. It was as though all the time between them was erased.

“I thought I’d never do this again,” said Remus, leaning his forehead against Sirius’.

Sirius paused and ran his hand up Remus’ spine, making him shiver. He nuzzled his nose against Remus’, testing the waters, working himself up to something. Remus was happy to take his time, savoring each moment. Sirius caught him by surprise, pressing in close and capturing his lips in another kiss.

From there, everything was a blur, and Remus felt like it was 1978 again. They were practically on top of each other, Sirius’ fingers in the hair at the back of his neck, teeth clacking as their kisses grew more urgent. Remus, hungry for more, slipped his hands beneath the too-big jumper and began pushing Sirius back on the couch. He kissed him more deeply, asking for more, until Sirius spoke against his lips, “Wait, wait, wait.”

Remus pulled back instantly to find Sirius flushed and his brow furrowed. He pushed his hair off his forehead and took a few deep breaths. “I don’t...I don’t think I can go any further. Not just yet.”

“That’s fine,” said Remus, trying to catch his breath. “It’s okay, I’m sorry I pushed you.”

Sirius shook his head. “You didn’t. I just got in over my head.”

Remus nodded and put his desire in check. He should have known better. He should have realized that Sirius would have new boundaries, new lines he wasn’t ready to cross. Maybe that would change with time, and maybe it wouldn’t. For now, they should take it slow.

“You can have my bedroom tonight,” he said. “It used to be my parents’ room. I felt a bit odd taking my childhood bedroom.”

That was only half true. While it would have felt strange to sleep in his old bedroom as an adult, when the entire cottage was effectively his now, it would have been even more painful to sleep where he’d once slept with Sirius on holiday. It was the room where he’d grown up, where he’d received letters from his friends, and where he’d fallen in love. He’d kept the door shut since moving back into the cottage. 

“Are you sure?” said Sirius. 

“Absolutely,” said Remus. “I’ll take the couch. It’s been worn in over the years and it’s quite comfortable.”

Remus walked Sirius to the bedroom because it felt strange to just send him there on his own. He pulled back the duvet on the bed and told Sirius to make himself at home. When he turned to leave, Sirius caught his hand and pulled him back so he could kiss his cheek.

“Thank you for the warm welcome,” he said. “And just so you know, I loved you, too. I still do.”

Remus smiled and kissed Sirius’ cheek in return. “Goodnight.”

The couch was lumpy, but in an oddly comfortable way. Remus settled in under one of his mum’s old quilts. He wasn’t eager to relive any more memories after the day he’d had, but it was the only suitable blanket he had besides his duvet. He spent a long while trying to quiet his mind but there was simply too much to think about. Sometime around one o’clock, his tired body took over and he fell asleep. After what felt like ten minutes, he awoke to the sound of shouting. 

As was always the case when he was woken up unexpectedly, Remus grabbed his wand and sat up, completely awake and ready to defend himself. It was one of those unpleasant holdovers from the war that he hadn’t been able to shake. All was quiet for a moment, and Remus wondered if he’d been dreaming. He was just beginning to contemplate how long it might take to fall back asleep when he heard the shouting again. It was coming from the bedroom where Sirius was sleeping. 

In an instant, Remus was on his feet, bolting toward the bedroom. But he came to a screeching halt when he reached the closed door. Would Sirius be offended by the intrusion? Would he be embarrassed? What if this crossed another line? The doubts were driven from his mind by a particularly anguished cry, and Remus practically broke down the door.

Sirius was tangled in the duvet, frantically trying to get free and clearly in the throes of a nightmare. He cried out, and Remus thought he heard James’ name. With an old ache burning anew in his chest, Remus took Sirius by the shoulders and spoke to him calmly, shaking him slightly. 

“Sirius, wake up,” he said. “Sirius, it’s just a nightmare.”

Sirius’ eyes snapped open, and Remus saw a raw and primal fear there before recognition took its place. 

“Fuck,” said Sirius, breathing heavily. “I should have expected that, after everything we talked about. Thanks for waking me up.”

“Of course,” said Remus. He let go of Sirius’ shoulders, not wanting to crowd him. “Do you need anything? Maybe I should just go.”

“Wait,” said Sirius, grabbing his hand. “Actually, it might help if you stayed?

Remus raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at the spot beside Sirius. When Sirius nodded, Remus felt panic and relief all at once. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I won’t,” said Sirius. “Honestly, I think it would help to have you close.”

This whole thing had been a horrible mistake. Surely Dumbledore had sent Sirius here to punish him for something. Or, he thought, as he watched Sirius’ expression soften, perhaps Dumbledore had finally felt some guilt about the war and hoped to mend some wounds. 

“All right,” he said. “But let me know if I’m too close, or if you want me to leave.”

Sirius nodded and kicked his legs to straighten out the tangled duvet. Remus walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in slowly. It had been fourteen years, but those years seemed to melt away as Sirius moved into his arms and Remus was surrounded by the smell of him. What had he been thinking? Sirius’ smell would remain in the bed for weeks. But then, perhaps Sirius himself would be in this bed for weeks. 

It was an odd feeling, he thought, to hope for the future once again.

  
  



End file.
